People pleasers have good intentions when they take on the burden of trying to make someone feel better. We truly just want to help and to offer our own wellbeing and happiness as a resource. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we could keep people from getting depressed in the first place? But not only is this endless output exhausting for the one doing all the work, it also limits the other person from developing the skills to cultivate their own emotional health. Happiness takes effort and action, and if we believe it is our job to make the other person happy, and we take too much responsibility for their wellbeing, we may actually be leaving them in worse shape.

All I ever wanted was to make my ex-husband feel better. And at one point in the early days of our relationship, I was the only one who could. When he was down (which was often), I could cheer him up. When he was angry (also often), I could calm him down. When he thought life was pointless (again, often), I could inspire him and offer a glimmer of hope. Each time I was able to do this for him, I got a little dopamine hit, a little buzz of pleasure in my brain that told me I was valued, needed, and fulfilling my purpose.

What I didn’t recognize at the time was that my enjoyment of the buzz would become an addiction, and that both of us would get hooked into a cycle of enabling and depression that could not end until the helping stopped. He couldn’t heal until I stopped trying to heal for him.