Have you ever looked back at a relationship and thought, wow, the signs were signing. And the red flags? Yeah, they were flagging. They weren't subtle. They were practically doing choreography in my face. But have you ever been so committed to potential that you started romanticizing red flags?

Yeah, me too. Let's be honest, I didn't miss the signs. I rebranded them.

He's inconsistent? No, no. I called that mysterious. Emotionally unavailable? Well, obviously, guys. He's just so deep, right? He just needs that time. Yes, I talk like that. Hasn't texted in three days? he's protecting his peace. Leave him be. He's processing. Bare minimum?

Please. He's just like grounded and intentional.

Yeah, the red flags were flagging and I was out there, jeuling them, bedazzling them. But let's be honest, I didn't ignore them. I rationalized them. You see, my brain said, this feels unsafe. My heart said, but he's healing. And my therapist said, girl, please.

Welcome back to the Unfolding Podcast. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink. And today we're talking about the red flags we decorate, the lessons that we collect along the way, and how sometimes what we call love is just our unhealed parts trying to feel useful. This isn't about regret. It's about reflection and maybe a little redemption.

So grab your tea, maybe a glass of wine, your journal, or whatever's left of your intuition, and let's unfold this together.

So if you've been unfolding with me since the door episode, that was a good one. First of all, congratulations. You survived your own version of that story. Second, buckle up friend, because today we're not reopening the door. We're just walking by it. We're kind of shaking our heads and saying, girl, I saw the signs.

This episode is called, I named it the red flags. I decorated it. I named it for a very good reason. And you're going to learn throughout this episode and other lessons from the door because I didn't want it to just stop there. And let me tell you, I didn't just ignore the red flags. I adjusted the lighting until they started to look like pinkish.

So picture it. Okay. I'm halfway through my year long sabbatical, walking through exotic islands, barefoot, bikini on, sun kissed, journal in my hand. Maybe even like a little cocktail in that cute little pineapple. Somewhere between enlightenment and emotional awakeness.

And that's when he decided I had finally changed enough for him.

Yeah, yeah, strap, strap in, strap in. He liked what he saw. Me. Healed. Happy. Brighter. Better without him. He saw a woman who was evolving and thought, yes, she could add value to my life now. And suddenly I was worthy.

He said he wanted to move in a forward direction with me. Like literally, those were his words. Move in that forward direction with me. Like, sir, calm down. This isn't a GPS reroute. This is my life.

He told me he couldn't live without me, that he wanted to spend his life with me. But somehow he kept me just confused enough that when I eventually walked in on him with another woman, he could say, okay, well, technically I'm not cheating on you because we're not together.

And the monologue that came before that moment, Chef's Kiss.

I have been in therapy for years. I have been working with therapists and healers, everyone that you sent me to. I've even had the devil delivered out of me. Also, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just not going to stop drinking because you're asking me to do it.

And he said,

I love you. Just stop leaving the country. And then I'll do forever with you. Followed by the unspoken fine print. Also, I need a lot of space, tons. So I'll contact you whenever I feel like it.

Okay, he didn't actually say that part, but those were the facts. And me? I thought, wow, this is character development. This man is healed. He can walk.

Spoiler, he was not.

Because here's the thing about words. They're free. Change costs something.

But me, being the believer in potential that I am, the eternal optimist licensed in maybe he's different now, I actually started to work my way home a day early. And I walked straight in on him with another woman.

Now, I'd love to say that I lost it, right? was flipping tables and screaming and maybe something just more dramatic. mean, also I was bruised and battered from being hit by a car. So my outside body was bruised and battered and shattered. And also my heart was.

So I didn't, I wasn't dramatic and I wasn't crazy at the door. I handled it with grace. Too much grace, honestly.

At that time I was still convinced that I was the problem.

That's what I mean when I talk about the hook. Right? If you heard the last episode, you know, I talk about the hook that it, the hook is that invisible pull inside of you that keeps you turning back toward what's hurting you. I want you to envision a fish in the lake and someone throws the line out and it catches that fish and it's a hook, right? And then someone's reeling it back in and that fish turns back toward what's reeling it in. towards danger because it's pulling it in.

So it's that, it's that trauma born hope that maybe this time they'll see you. They'll choose you. They'll love you the way you love them. The way you envisioned that life with them.

But here's the truth. The hook doesn't lead you to healing. It keeps you orbiting the very thing pulling you in towards what's destroying you.

And once I realized that, something in me snapped. But in the best possible way.

And so I do what I do best. I turned it around. I booked another flight, got back on my pilgrimage and I continued my year of healing and apparently content creation. Because I just kind of figured, hey, when life hands you betrayal, you can either cry about it or you can start a brand.

Because I spent most of this year writing my little baby book that I'm so excited about, Traumatized by a Narcissist. If so, you may be entitled to compensation. And I even started this podcast. I wanted to help other women break free from, into, but I wanted to help people, women break free from this exact kind of chaos and madness. I just figured when life hands you betrayal, girl, monetize it.

Oh, what was I talking about again? Gosh, I see I lose my train of thought here. Um, okay. I was talking about the hook, but okay. I'm going to move on because I wanted to talk about the red flags. That's what I talking about. The red flags that I ignored. So looking back, the signs were there. They, they were like big red circus flags actually, but I was calling it chemistry.

He'd vanish for days and I would just say he needs time to think. He would yell and lose it when something didn't go his way. And I just kind of... He's just expressive.

Gaslight and twist things. Blame shift. And I said, we just speak different languages, different love languages.

Yeah, I was out here marketing red flags like it was my side hustle. And y'all know that I love a good side hustle. So I mean, look, I'm looking back and I'm realizing, I wasn't dating a man. was, I was sort of managing a brand.

Because when you're trauma-bonded, those red flags slowly start to look like rose petals. You tell yourself, he's not mean or cruel or moody. He's deep. He's not distant. He's busy.

No, ma'am, he's dysregulated. Okay. I'm here to break it to you. Here's something I learned the hard way. Okay. When someone shows you they'd rather lose you than confront their actions. That's not love in any form. That's emotional cowardice wrapped in, in charm and projection. And it applies everywhere, friendships and in families, work and love.

Because anywhere you're shrinking, just to keep the peace, you're losing yourself to keep a connection. And people who, who can't face their own behavior will always try to rewrite your reality. attention because for them it's self-protection. They blame shift, they disappear, and then get mad when you don't come begging. It's like, “wait, you ghosted me and now you're mad that I didn't text?” Sir, what in the psychological gymnastic hell are you talking about?

But here's the truth. Your power lies in staying anchored in your reality, even when there's a spinning. Because when you become more focused on not losing someone, you start losing yourself. I know it happened to me.

And that's the heartbreak no one talks about. The one that shows up everywhere. It shows up in families when you play small to keep the peace. In friendships, when you silence your truth so that you stay included. In love, when you bend until you break just to feel chosen.

It's the slowest kind of disappearing. The kind where you start to fade from your own story. But that's also where your unfolding begins. The moment you decide you're done abandoning yourself.

And once you've lived through that kind of heartbreak, you start to notice how often people try to rush you out of it. So listen here, mostly because they're uncomfortable sitting in their own, right? You start realizing just how many people have no idea how to hold space for pain, theirs or anyone else's. So this brings me to my quick public service announcement.

Hang tight and listen because you're going to thank me later. Okay. Let's have a little fun here. So I have a list. I have my official top five things not to say to someone who's grieving. Someone who's brokenhearted, someone who's been ghosted, someone who's just in pain, right? Or confused, betrayed, or really like laying in a fetal position. 

Okay. This is my top five things not to say to these people. Because when I was in the thick of that heartbreak, the things people said to me, bless their little hearts, were wild. Right? It was like five years of torture from losing my mom to my marriage ending to getting in a really terrible relationship. You know, just I don't think that people were able to process what I was going through. 

And so what they would do is try to give me a Ted talk, right? Here's, here are the top five. Five, you're better off without that Well, true. It's like, okay, Susan, thank you. I'll add that to my gratitude journal, breathing and remembering how to function. Right? I know that I know I'm better off without him. Everything happens for a reason.

Yeah, apparently the reason was so that I could learn every lesson the hard way. Well, and then start a podcast about it, guess. The third one. He's going to regret this one day. Yeah, maybe. But by the time he does, I'll be in Bali with some long haired man who meditates and moisturizes and we'll be braiding one another's hair. Like, stop. I need support now.

Two. Just move on. perfect. Okay. Let me press skip to healed on my trauma playlist. Where is that? Stop guys. And my number one, you deserve better. Yes. And that's exactly why I'm crying on the floor in a fetal position, sucking my thumb because I gave everything I had. I gave better. Yes. I deserve better. I gave better, and it still wasn't enough.

Friends, listen here. If you take anything away from this episode, take this. Can we please normalize not rushing people through their healing, not rushing people through their pain? We've all done it. I have. We've all said one or more of those well-meaning but slightly cringe lines. Everything happens for a reason. You're better off. Just move on. God needed another angel.

And it's okay. We said them because we care. We said them because we didn't know what else to say.

But here's the truth. You don't need to fix someone's heartbreak. You don't even need to understand it. You don't even need to understand their pain. And you certainly don't need to be giving spiritual Ted talks. You just need to witness it with them. Sit with them in the mess. Let them cry. Bring them snacks. Remind them. Bring them wine. Remind them.

They're still lovable, even when they're falling apart and shattered. That's it. That's what healing looks like. Presence, not necessarily pep talks.

That's healing.

I remember a few days after the door, my daughter said, come lay with me and not say what I know she really wanted to say. Cause those that know her know she's pretty vocal and she would just remind me of my heart, of my vastness and my container. She would remind me of my love and my worth. Remind me what life

is going to feel like when that cloud passes and she'd say, mom, won't always feel like this. She made sure I ate, I showered and I kept busy.

She would say, you've done this for me and my sisters and so many others. So of course I'm here for you. She didn't shame me, didn't lecture and didn't prepare a recovery plan for me either. I swear that girl's an angel and she's going to be a great therapist one day.

Here's the thing, when we rush people to get over it, what we are really saying is your pain is making me uncomfortable. But heartbreak isn't contagious. Pain isn't contagious. Right? Watching someone collapse and shatter and just unfold and just be in that kind of pain and confusion. It's not contagious. It's human.

And sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do is just stay. No advice, no cliches, no plan. Right? Get out of here plan. No, just presence. Remember healing doesn't happen in a hurry. It happens in those quiet, honest moments when someone feels safe enough to be seen in their sadness.

That's love. When someone's heart is breaking, we already feel foolish, betrayed, naive, even played. And last thing we need is a reminder, right? We need compassion because love, it's not found in rushing us to feel better. It's found in letting yourself feel everything. And there's a time and a place to pull up.

Because listen, after my recovery and comeback, I was finally able to sit through the Ted Talks with my girlfriends and my family and the girls. I sat with my with those people, my trusted people, and we dissected every piece of it. We laughed and we cried. And this time I could actually hear the advice because I was ready to rebuild.

I couldn't listen to the trash talk and believe them back then, right? But I could now. You know, I could hear when they said, you dodged a bullet, girl. I could hear, I could feel it. Yeah, you're right. I did. I wasn't defending him anymore. I was done romanticizing what broke me.

And I certainly wasn't carrying the shame for what I didn't know. was facing everything I'd ignored and I was ready to grow from it. And that's when you know, you've healed when you can tell the story without getting emotional and even be able to laugh while you're doing it. Like I do in this podcast. It's because that laughter, that's the sound of reclaiming your power. It's the moment that pain turns into wisdom and wisdom turns into your purpose.

You learn these tiny little lessons while you're processing. It was through the processing that I realized what really shook me wasn't the betrayal. It was how fast he moved on. And I'd experienced this right before him. First in my marriage, then again in this relationship. You go from hearing, I love you in one breath to seeing them with someone new the next.

It’s jarring. It's like emotional whiplash.

How do you tell someone you love them and also, or doing it while you're laying next to another woman? How do you promise forever on a Tuesday and by Friday, act like you never knew me?

And for a long time that haunted me. I replayed it over and over in my mind. The what ifs, the maybe if I had justs, you know, the where did I go wrongs? I dissected every text, every silence, every moment I should have walked away, but didn't. Because betrayal doesn't just break your heart. It breaks your entire sense of reality.

You start doubting everything. Your worth, your intuition, even your memory. And the scariest part isn't even losing them. It's realizing you lost yourself trying to keep them.

Because the truth? I know I should have left years before he broke my heart. Because he'd been breaking it piece by piece long before I ever caught him.

We all have these loops that play in our heads, right? They're old patterns, old beliefs that keep us stuck. And they whisper to us, you'll never find another love like this, but you'll never find another career or a job like this. You'll never feel safety again like this or find another friend group like this. You'll never find another crew like this, right? Those voices aren't truth though they're fear.

And fear keeps you settling. Intuition and that trust and the belief in yourself, that asks you to rise. So trust your gut. Demand what's best for you, not what's familiar to you.

The more I healed, the more I saw it. The same patterns. I kept seeing them repeating themselves in different places and wearing different faces.

When I finally understood something that I had heard years ago from a professor. How you do anything is how you do everything. And at first that bothered me. was like, I don't know, 15 or 20 years ago I heard that and it bothered me. I couldn't conceptualize it back then. My mind wasn't able to hold it and it hit me.

How you do one thing is how you do everything. So if you people please in love, you'll overwork at your job. Now that answers all your questions to all the jobs I have, you're welcome. Because we've been trained to earn our worth through exhaustion.

If you shrink your voice in friendships and relationships, you're more than likely going to stay quiet in meetings because somewhere you've learned that speaking up risks being rejected.

If you tolerate being dismissed, you'll start dismissing your own dreams because you can't chase expansion while living inside someone else's smallness.

And I learned this, if you keep waiting for someone to choose you, you'll keep putting your life on hold for people who, who never do, they never do choose you because deep down when you're doing that, you're still believing love is something that you have to prove.

The truth is, how you do one thing reveals how you do everything.

Your relationships are just the classroom where your patterns show up to be healed.

Fear, it doesn't just live in your love life. It sort of leaks into everything, right? It hides in your calendar, in your friendships, in your dreams, in your ambitions, in your daily habits.

Yeah, in your bank account? Yep.

But on the other side of fear?

That's where something amazing lives. That's where your why lives. That's where your purpose lives. See, when my ex told me that I'd never make it on my own, good luck trying to be successful on your own as a single woman, as a single mother. Where are you going to get all this money from? How are going to live on your own? What are you going to do? How are you going to do it? Something in me clicked. And I thought, I'm better than what he thinks of me.

And from that day on, I refused to look in the rear view mirror and let him control my future.

And that's the choice we all get to turn pain into fuel. To say, all right, watch me.

You have to decide how you want to feel because that's where the magic starts. And if your why is strong enough, no heartbreak, no lying, no dusty sucker can derail your unfolding. My why was stronger than heartbreak. That's where I was underestimated by men in my life.

My clarity about how I want to feel in this lifetime, my accomplishments, the legacy that I want to leave behind that was stronger than anyone trying to take me down. And once I locked in, once I sunk my claws and my teeth into it and I found it, nothing could hook me again.

But here's the truth, strength without self-awareness. Well, can stick. That can still keep you stuck because power without emotional maturity, just repeats the same patterns, but in a cuter, more hip outfit, right? Healing isn't about winning. It's about mastering yourself. It's, it was when I learned how to stay soft without losing my boundaries and honest without losing my peace. That's what it looks like. And that's where emotional intelligence comes in the real upgrade in your healing journey because emotional intelligence isn't about being calm all the time, right? 

And just feeling Zen, right? What it is is it's the ability to feel something uncomfortable, without blaming without running or punishing others for it. It's the difference between reacting from your pain and your old beliefs and responding from your power. It's, it, it's having the courage to say, yeah, I'm triggered. This is triggering me. You're triggering me, but I'm responsible for my reaction. Yes, I'm hurt, but I can also communicate.

I can communicate my hurt or my pain to you without destroying the entire room.

And people who lack it, they avoid accountability. They hide behind anger. Even they hide behind being dismissive. And they project shame. They ghost. They withdraw. They test you to see if you're going to chase them. And you know why? It's because being vulnerable feels like death to the ego for them.

But when you heal, your energy changes. You stop chasing chaos because peace finally feels like home.

And if you find yourself over explaining, taking responsibility for someone else's behavior, making excuses for their blowups or ignoring your intuition, just to avoid being the drama queen, that's your cue. Yep. That's your unfolding moment. That's the invitation for, for you to walk home to yourself, to come home to yourself. And listen, I'm not saying that I'm perfect, you know, and that

This is all them, not even close because as the episodes unfold, I'm gonna start throwing myself out there. Start throwing myself in front of buses because I did, I had to do a lot of work. had to look in the mirror and I had to own my own pain and my trauma and the patterns that I kept dragging into relationships that didn't work. Because if you don't self reflect, you repeat it's hard work. It's like, if I, think of it as like excavation work, like real excavation work. I had to put on a metaphorical helmet with a big fat flashlight and I went digging. And what I found, not only was I contributing to the dysfunction, I was seeking it out. The same types of, of men, the same dynamics, the same heartbreak, just wearing different shoes.

And there I was standing in the rubble and I was asking, why me? Only to realize it was me. And not in a shame way, but in a self-awareness way. I feel that when you finally see the part that you've been playing, this is what I've seen in my life. That's when the cycle ended for me. And also here's what I've learned. That when someone sees your heart, in your soul and all the layers, the beautiful, the messy, the complicated, all those layers to you and they still walk away, it doesn't mean you aren't enough. It means their container couldn't hold what you bring.

The pain of rejection doesn't end when they walk away. It ends when you find peace and why they had to go. Because sometimes the universe, God, that which is greater, whatever you believe, right? When that happens and God removes people, he moves removes them because they were blocking your full potential, right? They were blocking your blessings. Sometimes it's because you're also, being prepared for a love that can meet you right at your level. Exactly. Right here, right now, right where you're at.

And sometimes it's because God just said, she's not supposed to be decorating red flags anymore.

I heard this guy on Tik Tok and I hope when I say this, that you can find him and send it to me because he's so funny, but I can't even remember who he was right now. But he's, he said that you're either drawing in your soulmate or your cellmate. And if you're not sure which one you've got, ask yourself, do I feel free or do I feel like I'm on probation?

He goes on to say, there are three rings in a relationship and the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. Choose wisely. I loved it.

But let's talk about the, the real lesson of the door, right? It wasn't closing on me. It was closing for me so that I could finally walk through a new one. And this time I was wide awake. So here's a little medicine for you. If you're in it right now, you know, maybe you've been betrayed, ghosted, grieving, broken.

Remember this, you aren't broken. You're becoming. This storm, this cloud over you, it's not your ending. It's your awakening. And you're being rerouted towards something greater, stronger, and more aligned than you can even imagine. On the other side of fear is freedom.

Take a deep breath with me.

Whoo, that was a good one. your hand on your heart and just repeat this after me. We're gonna do our little affirmation or integration, whatever you wanna call it. I have a little bit more for you, some fun, some funness at the end. But let's just do this right now and honor ourselves right now. I just wanna have you repeat after me. I release what hurt me. I rise wiser. I no longer chase confusion.

I attract clarity. I am not here to prove my worth. I am here to live it. I am becoming the woman who no longer needs the door. She builds her own.

That's the unfolding.

Here's a journal prompt for you. Journal prompt suggestion. Answer this sometime. Let it pour out to you. Unfiltered, honest, messy if it needs to be. Because that's how you rebuild one truth at a time.

What truth am I finally ready to stand in? Without apology.

Speaking of truth, all right, I'm adding this new little segment into the episode, a few episodes here and there, not all of them. But I'm super excited about this part. It's called, I'm not your therapist, but also yes I am. All right. So we come to my favorite part of the show is the Q &A. So like I said, I lovingly coined it. I'm not your therapist, but also yes I am.

And this is where I want to open it up to you listeners because I've been getting lots of messages. I love them. I try to respond and I don't always do a great job. So I'm sorry, but send them in, keep sending them in and I will have them featured on episodes because they're actually really funny. Today I'm going to talk about a few, I'm going to answer a few of them that I received multiple of the same. here we go.

You get to the questions, I pretend that I don't need the same advice. But we'll get real about the things that everyone wants to know, but always you just can't always say it out loud. But I will. I'll be answering a few of your questions from time to time. And I do love connecting with each one of you. So I'll give you my truth unfiltered with some compassion and probably a little too honest. So, but let's get right into it. Okay. A question that I received a lot.

When did the door actually happen?

Earlier this year. I believe it was March ish. Yeah. Something like that. Earlier in the year though, early, early, early in the year. So it's just funny how some, something that can feel like a lifetime ago and yesterday at the same time, just like was happening. So anyway, there was that. the second question that I saw a lot was, do you still talk to him? No. there's peace in silence.

I mean, I've learned that not every chapter deserves a sequel. So there's that one. see, I think I have time for two more questions. Okay. let's see, which was the other one that I pulled out. will you ever disclose who he is? Also? No, this isn't about him or it really, this isn't about any man. Really. It's about, it's about an experience, my experience, a lesson, pattern, that I finally started to see clearly. So it's never, never my goal to hurt or out or embarrass anyone. I will never do that on this podcast. That is my promise to you. This story is mine, but it's also universal. So no, I'll never reveal anyone's identity, including his. And finally, let's see one more here. I thought it was funny. Are you dating?

Right now, my focus is on graduating. At this point, I'm going to graduate with the twins. We'll all be graduating from college together. No, but you my focus right now is on my family. And honestly, just making sure that we all make it out alive. They come first, they always will. And so that's been my focus. And after that, it's really on being happy and traveling and hanging out with my puppy.

But doing all the things that make me feel alive and surrounding myself with people who bring good energy and, because what I've learned is my energy. Well, my energy is expensive, very expensive, and I am not giving discounts anymore. Not to draining phone calls, not to indecisive avoidant men, not to draining one-sided friendships.

And definitely not to worry or stress. So no, I'm not dating right now. And honestly, I feel like that's a flex. Like that doesn't feel like a loss to me. It feels like alignment. but here's what I know for sure. Whatever's meant for me will never pass me by. It won't feel forced. I just know it's going to be easy. And I, I know I'll meet, I know that it'll meet me. 

That whole experience will meet me with the same peace and love and healing that I've built and cultivated within myself. So I'll just know. But that's the kind of love that I'm saving room for these days. So. OK, that's it for now. I went over way over. But if you have any questions and you'd like for me to answer on a future episode, send it to me. DM, text, Instagram, whatever. Drop it in my website.

And so you might just hear it featured right here on I'm not your therapist, but also yes, I am. So let's close. This is what healing really looks like. It's not just surviving what broke you, but rising with humor, clarity and peace. Because the comeback isn't about proving them wrong, outing people, hurting people, making sure they know that they were wrong.

It's always been about remembering who you are. You've met yourself on the other side of the door and you're just getting started. I'm so excited to be a part of that. Thank you for listening today. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink, and this is the Unfolding Podcast. Until next time, keep rising.

Keep shining, I'm joking. Keep rising, keep laughing and keep unfolding.

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