Hello and welcome back.

ask you something. Have you ever noticed something strange about the things that we say we want most? Think about it. Peace, joy, confidence, healthier relationships, a bigger life.

That promotion, that trip, that body, that bank account, that business idea that keeps whispering to you at night.

See, we say we want these things. I know I've said it for years. I've wanted these things. We pray for them. We openly and actively talk about them with friends and family and we journal about them. We visualize them. We, you know, we even, have you ever sat and just doom scrolled on Google flights, mapped out countries and where you were getting mapped out your entire itinerary for the summer?

and you just never hit go purchase.

Yeah, because when life actually starts moving us in that direction, something inside us hesitates.

almost like part of us is resisting it. Ooh, ouch. Hey, I'm assassinating myself. I'm calling myself out right now too. So don't think that I am attacking you.

What I want to call out today is that we interpret that resistance as proof of something. We all do it, right? You say you're going to do something, you say you're going to start the business, you say you're going to book the trip, and then as you start moving closer to that, you pull back. And then we say that that resistance is some kind of proof of something. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe I'm not capable.

other people's dreams come true, just mine just won't come true in this lifetime. Maybe that life isn't meant for me. Maybe I'm meant to live paycheck to paycheck.

But recently, I had a moment that made me look at this idea or this question very differently.

Welcome back to the unfolding podcast. I'm your host and your girl, Yvonne Wink.

Well, I wanted to share, so I was sitting in a workshop last week with a incredibly beautiful, talented, wonderful, sweet woman that you will be hearing from soon. I'm basically forcing her to be my best friend, and to be on our podcast. So she's going be on an upcoming podcast. So get ready. You guys are going to be mind blown. She's amazing. But anyway, okay. During this conversation.

she looked at me and said something that stopped me dead in my tracks. And those of you that know I'm going a million miles per hour, that's difficult to do, stop me dead in my tracks. But she said something. She said, you needed to fall in love with that narcissist. I was like, girl, bye, stop, stop, hold up. Wait a minute, let me put some boom in it. But I was like, excuse me.

What? Stop it. And she said, yeah. He was the only person who could fully crack your heart wide open to finish that cracking, right? So that you could see the power of vulnerability in real time.

And when she said that, something in me, I felt it. It was like a light switch, but it shifted in me instantly. Has that ever happened to you? Has that ever happened to anyone? Say yes or something in the comments. I wish someone was here. That'd be so fun. I'm gonna do an open mic night somewhere so people can talk back to me. But has this ever happened when someone says something and it lands in a place that you didn't even know was open?

before. So if I'm being like truly honest here, I had never had my heart broken quite like that before. I had never experienced that level of like, I call it diabolical level of manipulation, that level of emotional toxic and chaos, that level of dishonesty. I had never.

ever experienced that before. And the truth is, I've never needed to learn that lesson before. Didn't even know it was a thing. I read about it, I saw friends here and there and I go, gosh, why is she in that toxic thing? So yeah, I was a little judgy. But I had never had to learn that lesson before because I had never been involved with someone like that. Someone who was...

who was genuinely calculated, so disconnected from empathy, someone who, looking back, was never really there to love me in the first place. I'm able to say that now. He was there to take, to manipulate, to control the narrative. And when it ended, I truly thought, I'm gonna spend years healing from this.

I expected it to harden me. I expected to walk away just very protective and very guarded, more cynical about men, because you've been around me. You know I like to talk about the men's.

But I was shocked because something surprising happened instead.

that whole disaster and heartbreak, it caused me to soften. And you know, that kind of confused me at first because I thought heartbreak was supposed to make you tougher. But what I realized was this. I didn't die when he chose someone else. My world didn't end. It all didn't come crashing down.

actually happened was I became incredibly clear. Clear about the difference between good men and bad men, green flags and red flags, right? Clear about the difference between love and manipulation. Clear about what I will never ever tolerate again. So that experience didn't destroy me. It sharpened my discernment.

Sometimes that's what heartbreak actually does. It wakes you up.

not just to the pain of what happened, but to the truth of what you actually deserve.

And when I really sat with that realization, I saw something even deeper because the truth is that relationship wasn't actually the first thing that cracked my heart open. That was the moment I, the moment that I guess I could say that my heart truly, truly cracked open was losing my mom. When my mom passed away.

That was the moment that I felt, I first felt that armor bust open.

The moment I realized how much protection I had built around my heart just to survive.

Losing her opened something in me that I had spent years guarded by. just years guarded. And this relationship, as painful as it was, pushed that opening even further.

and hearing.

this woman say what she said, it made me think about something very differently. What if some of the people who have hurt us the most, right, came in like wrecking balls and crushed our hearts, our souls, ruined our reputations, talked poorly about us. What if some of those people who hurt us and did that type of damage aren't meant to stay in our lives?

take up space in our heads, in our hearts. This is friends, lovers, coworkers, situationships. Think about it. What if they're not just mistakes? What if they weren't sent to destroy us?

What if they were teachers our soul needed to meet in order to grow, to blossom?

Trust me, when I first started to really break this all down in my brain, I was like, nope, that's not the lesson here. Until I sat back and I scanned all the way back, back into career choices, friendships, friendship circles, even loose acquaintances. But people who arrived not to complete our story, but to crack something open.

inside of us, to wake us up, to wake up the parts of us that had been sleeping for years.

So naturally my next thought after she says this, I'm sitting across from her and I'm thinking, I'm really thinking all of this in my head. Okay, now do I owe this man royalties for my upcoming book? Should I thank him in that way? Nah. Anyway, what, okay, there was a realization that came out of this after our meeting. And I sat with what she said, something in it.

it landed in my soul in a place that I just couldn't ignore because that relationship truly did smooth out the rough edges that I didn't even know I had. See, my whole life I was deemed hyper independent as my mother would call it. She often would make fun of me and laugh and say, since you were six years old, no one could tell you what to do. We couldn't dress you, we couldn't comb your hair.

You just, had your clothes laid out the night before. You were, I was not allowed to touch your hair. And so late years later, I'm looking at pictures from, you know, field trips and I'm like, why woman, why did you let me leave the house with a polka dot shirt and striped pants? And my ponytail lopsided and she would say, well, Yvonne, that's just who you are. You are, you're a hyper independent. You've always known exactly what you want, what you're going to do. And there's nothing or no one that can stop you.

And so this all made sense to me as I'm sitting across talking to her, I'm realizing I was the overachiever, hyper independent, leave me alone. I can do this all by myself.

And I loved the softening that happened and the rough edges that I didn't know I had watching them get polished. And strangely, I noticed that it was preparing me for things that I had been praying for, things that I've been dreaming about and things that I've been calling into my life.

But here's something, I guess, some uncomfortableness, is that a word? Or I'll use it. Some uncomfortableness that I had to face. So, because of course I wanted love. Who doesn't, right? Of course I wanted loyalty and I wanted safety from these past partners. Of course I wanted to be admired and adored and validated.

But when I got really honest with myself and I let those words land in my bones, I'm not sure I fully ever allowed that before.

I'm not even sure I believed I deserved it.

Oop, yep, I kept going deeper. I did, I kept going deeper with that. And that made me ask an even deeper question.

What if we truly want the things we say we want, and I mean all of us collectively, but we don't allow them, right? We stop them, we block them, we sabotage, but we also get to say, but hey, no, I want that. I really want that. I'm striving for that. I'm headed in that direction.

but we actually don't allow that to take place. I wanna talk about a system, right? So we have these systems that trained us to wait, right? I don't wanna get into like the masculine feminine too much, but I am gonna do a podcast on that. today was more of like when me sitting with this question, the more I noticed something else, this was the deeper question, because the world trains us to wait to be chosen. Think about that.

The world trains us to wait to be invited, certified, credentialed, ready. We're trained to be approved, to be authorized. We grow up in these systems that reward waiting for permission. Permission to speak, permission to lead, permission to create.

permission to walk on a stage and speak, invited to apply for that promotion that you know you deserve.

invited to be loved?

But the moment your life begins to change is the moment you realize you don't actually need anyone's permission. And I know we hear this a lot. I don't want this to be cliche. I just needed to add this piece into it, because it helps bridge what else, the other things I want to say. Because that is truly when your life begins to change. We say that, like, I don't need anyone. I don't need anyone's permission. I don't need anyone. Right? We say that. Yep.

Most of us are quietly waiting for it anyway. Almost like, like think about it like this, like one day the phone, this is how I used to think, one day the phone was gonna ring and it was like somebody was going to call me up and say, hey Yvonne, hey girl, we know that you have a message in your soul. We know that you've been through some stuff and we know that what you have to say, the world needs to hear this. Would you please write that book?

Would you please kickstart a podcast that's weird and awkward and it's all over the place?

Would you please start that woman's social club? Details on that suit. That was my teaser. But here's the thing, no one's calling to ask, girl, were you traumatized by a narcissist? If so, you may be entitled to compensation.

Shameless plug. But no, that moment rarely comes because most of the time, nobody is coming to authorize you. Nobody is coming to deem you worthy, to deem you ready. And that's where things get interesting because almost no one picks themselves. Not because...

They don't have innovative and brilliant ideas, not because they don't have talent and creativity, but because it feels incredibly vulnerable to say, hey guys, like and subscribe to my podcast. It's very, very incredibly vulnerable to say, here, I made this. What do you think of my designs?

What do you think of my ideas? What do you think of my artwork and my creativity? What are your thoughts on that? It feels exposed. It can even feel a little awkward. Sometimes, I know I've felt like this before, we have imposter syndrome. Sometimes it feels a little arrogant. Like who am I to put out something into the world and say, this came from me. Here, this is my

blood, sweat and tears. Hey, here, I wanna share my creativity with you. I made this. I wrote this book that came out of my pain. I left that unhealthy relationship. I started that business because I was unhappy working for someone else. I created this life. I built myself from ground zero.

There's a deeper meaning here because those words sound simple. I know, but they carry a ton, an enormous amount of courage. Because when you create something, a life, a business, a book, a piece of art, a new chapter, booking that solo flight, actually clicking purchase.

You're no longer waiting to be chosen. You are choosing yourself.

And that can feel incredibly uncomfortable the first time you do it. Because choosing yourself means stepping outside the identity that you always lived inside. And those three words, four words, that sentence right here, I made this. Look, look at what I created. Look at my website. Look at my nonprofit. It's incredible.

incredibly vulnerable. I feel you and I see you.

Cause guess what? It's easier to sit back and scroll social media, right? Watching other people living their lives, teaching about things that they're just not qualified to teach about. Right? Making millions, teaching on something that's very personal and painful that you know that you could be doing. Watching other people just living their lives, traveling, solo traveling, because no one will go with you.

building things, creating things. Sometimes people even sit back and criticize others for doing it.

Right? It's easier. I'd say that it's easier to sit back and criticize people, get in your little huddles and talk about, you know, whatever someone's doing that when they're actually being brave, it's easier for you to sit back and criticize, mock, ridicule, than it is to step forward and say, this is my dream. What do you all think?

step forward and say, I have this crazy idea and I'm going after it.

See, the people that are sitting back criticizing, poking fun, all those, what do they call them? Trolls on the internet. Anybody that's doubting anything or just talking badly about what you're doing. See, the world trains us to wait to be chosen. And most people are waiting to be chosen. They want that same life. They want to solo travel. They want to...

book flights and visit other countries and try different foods, create a business. They want to do those things, but they've been trained to wait to be chosen.

But some of the most powerful people that I know, I know these people personally, they eventually realize they're allowed to choose themselves. I see it every day. I see it in my work. I see it in coworkers. I see it in, you know, with my clients and with my friends and my family. I see it in my daughters. I see them choosing themselves.

And this is something I learned in solitude. When I finally walked away from that relationship and spent this like really incredible quality time with myself, real time alone. That's when everything became clear because solitude removes the noise. It removes the distractions. And suddenly you can see the patterns that you couldn't see before.

I've also watched something else happen over the years. And honestly, it's kind of wild to witness. It took me a while to even identify this in therapy and then break it down. Why?

because I've watched people specifically, a few of my exes move from one breath, I love you, I can't live without you, I'll never love again. You're the only one for me. You're my forever love. And within weeks, they were in fact still living, still living and loving someone else. And I'll be honest, that mess with my head for a while.

Because when you hear those words, believe them. You think that kind of love means something permanent. We've all experienced this before. And watching someone move from one relationship straight into another, weeks later, without pausing, without reflecting, without growing, without asking themselves what in the entire bleep just happened.

What did this teach me?

And I was thinking about it, why do people do this? Why have I specifically seen this? Because see, a lot of people aren't actually leaving one relationship and entering another. They're escaping themselves. And I know because I've done this before. And this doesn't only happen in relationships. People do this with friendships, with careers, with dreams. They leave one thing and immediately fill the space with something else, a new partner, a new job.

A new distraction, anything to avoid the uncomfortable question, what actually happened here? What part did I play and what needs to heal before I ever start over again?

There's so much discomfort in stillness because reflection requires something many people are deeply uncomfortable with, and that's stillness.

Because when the noise disappears, when there's no new relationship to distract you, no job title defining your identity, no constant activity keeping you busy, you're left alone with yourself.

patterns, your fears, your wounds, and sometimes your dreams.

And that kind of honesty takes courage because it might show you things you've been avoiding for years.

And trust me, I understand the temptation to avoid that. I really do. I'm the person that has TVs going in all rooms, upstairs, downstairs. I have my computer and I have music playing. Just the silence was just, was, gosh, it's not very comfortable for me. The silence, the stillness, the quiet, the calm, the peace. I understand the temptation to want to avoid it.

Reflection is just so uncomfortable. Self-reflection in particular, holding the mirror and looking at yourself. What was my part? But the thing is, that growth requires space and healing requires reflection. And reflection requires stillness.

And when I finally shut everything off, everything and everyone, and I finally allowed myself that stillness, that's when everything started becoming clear. And that clarity, it changed something fundamental. Not just about him, about me.

about my patterns, about my boundaries, about what I was tolerating and what I'll never tolerate again. It really had me crystal clear on what kind of life I actually wanted to build and who I wanted to build it with.

So guys, basically I'm a walking green flag now. Which is, hey, this is great news. You know why? Because historically I've been known to date like a raccoon with a flashlight. Just kind of grabbing whatever shiny thing just showed up. You know, it's like tall and toxic. Yes ma'am, give me two of those. So I say this, I speak from experience. I've done it all.

jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that next one would fill me, would distract me. I've stayed in those situations longer than I should have. I've walked away from toxic friendships. I've left jobs that weren't aligned anymore. And eventually I realized something that humbled me to my core. You take you everywhere you go.

It reminded me of this quote. said, I think I talked about it last week, but it cut out for some reason. You can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.

But my point is now I really am comfortable sitting with the question. I ask myself often, if there's a disagreement or a misunderstanding, I generally pull away for a sec, catch my breath, and then I ask myself, what was my part? And what needs to heal before I start again? Because I'm not jumping on that cra-

Crazy train again. I actually hear the little inner Yvonne. She's like, please, please make this. Don't get back on again. Walk away. I love her.

The other day I was at work and we were joking around with my clients and I finally declared, all right guys, I am ready to date. I think I said this a few podcasts or episodes ago. I said, I'm finally ready to date again. I was like, coach, put me in. But I feel that, see, for the first time something feels different in me.

Because in all of my years of dating, and I want you single people to think about this, in all of my years of dating, which really wasn't that long, but I don't think I ever actually prepared myself for a partner before. I just kind of showed up. I told you. A raccoon with a flashlight just grabbing things. I just showed up.

I wasn't intentional and now I am. And I feel like I have gone off on a complete different tangent than I was even talking about, but whatever. Let's land this plane. Okay, let's do this. Let's bring this plane back in for some landing here. Because everything we talked about, it really does. I hope you get the message today. It really comes back to one idea. And I think about it like the shift, right? So maybe, I just want you to think about it like this.

The reason your next level feels uncomfortable, right? Let's say you're peeking over that cliff and you're like, yeah, I wanna get over there to that other side. I wanna look this way, I wanna feel this way, I wanna do this, I wanna create this, I wanna build this, I want to cash this large check, right? All of those things, that next level may feel really uncomfortable. And so maybe the reason for you feeling uncomfortable is not because you can't handle it.

or it's not meant for you, maybe it's because you're becoming someone your past never required you to be, right? You're letting go of the systems that trained you to wait. The systems that trained you to just be chill, be good, smile. Don't cause havoc and chaos and waves. Just sit still, look pretty.

Maybe you're leveling up to this new version of yourself, someone who chooses themselves, someone who stops waiting to be picked, someone who realizes they're allowed to begin starting right now.

Someone who says yes.

And this is something I've been practicing in my own life lately. Just really, really focused on being very intentional. Instead of asking, you know, I want to do something. What if I fail? What if this thing fails? What if this whole thing blows up in my face and I come crashing down? I've been asking myself a different question, training my brain. I ask myself, what if the most strategic thing you did today was simply just be you, be yourself?

Fully, completely, the version of you that's been waiting underneath all of the expectations.

So make that post. Post those pictures. Cut your hair. Book the trip. Start the business. Do something that scares you often. Try the thing that keeps whispering to you. Try it. Not because you're guaranteed success, but because you're curious enough to find out.

If I'm a few steps ahead of you, then here's some unsolicited advice because I've come to believe this deeply. There is no such thing as failure. I say this all the time in every group, just about weekly. say, there's no such thing as failure. It goes back to the question at the workshop, right? Or the statement, you were meant to meet this person and he was meant to break your heart wide open.

Right? There's no such thing as failure. My relationship ending wasn't a failure. My divorce was not a failure. There's only research. Research into what works, what worked, and research into what didn't. Research into who you're becoming. Do the research. Sometimes the life that you've been...

you've been praying for and calling in, dreaming about, visualizing, writing down. Sometimes that life is simply waiting for the version of you who finally allows it. Who's like, yeah, this is mine. I got this, I can do this. Or I just did this.

And that's actually one of the reasons I've been creating something a little, well, it's new, it's fun. I'm so excited. I've been leveling up in my own life and just realized something. Your village, your circle, your people, your dream team, it matters. Last week I talked about what we're allowing in, right? Mind, body, soul, everything that's coming into our, we're allowing in.

matters. And friends, I'm telling you, my circle right now, it's kind of incredible. I'm not going to lie. I can't believe that I'm finally surrounding myself with that, this crew, these people that were finding each other, right? All of our radars are up and we're being led to one another. We're having fun outings and coffees and dinners and dates. And it's a group of women who love hard.

who laugh, who cry, who self-reflect, who call themselves out. They drink, they cuss, they pray. They go to church, they go to yoga, sound baths, and we break out in dance parties.

It's the most beautiful mix of growth and joy that I've had the experience of being a part of. And being around women like that inspired me to create something even bigger. So I'm so excited. I'm launching a women's social club. So it's not gonna be stuffy at all. So don't get your panties in a wad. This is gonna be a space for women who are ready to stop waiting to be chosen.

Women who want to build friendships, who are ready to say, you know what? Yeah, I was in that system. I was held down. I thought I had to wait, right? I thought I needed permission. But they're ready to build friendships and adventures, businesses and lives that they're proud of. Women who are ready to pick themselves. Because if we can identify what truly matters to us,

and then choose ourselves not to win a prize, not even to prove something, but because we have agency, because we can.

That is freedom, my friends. And freedom is showing up in a world and saying, here, I made this.

Here, I posted this. Here, I uploaded this.

I'm really excited. We're kicking things off in about two weeks. I don't wanna give the exact date because I don't know it off the top of my head. And we're gonna do every other weekend is a little outing and then something special once a month. And once a year is a big travel adventure. So if you are ready to travel with some chicks, let's do it. You don't wanna miss this, cause I'm hysterical. I'm fun. When I travel, you wanna come with me. So.

We will have a blast, I promise you that. All the details will be posted soon on my social media, my website, and shared really by word of mouth. We know scrubs, we don't want any of those. So stay tuned. The thing, what I'm already saying, this thing is already growing. We are soft launching in a few cities and states near you. it's there girls, it is all there.

So if anything we talked about today resonated with you, how about if any of this made sense to you?

Would you do me a favor and would you hit the like button, the whatever it is, share, share, like all that stuff, do all that. Share with somebody who you think might need to hear this. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Week. You've been listening to the Unfolding Podcast.

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