The David Alliance

 

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MingleMateMarry.com podcast youtube and website for the perfect marriage material and swag. They got a great hoodie called its a great day to be married… after today maybe some of you will want to wear purchase it… because many of you are not loving the days you are married… 

 

coming up soon on the podcast -  TOMORROW QUIT LIVING BY YOUR FEELINGS!

 

My spouse will not change… I have tried everything…

Yes I have seen prayer do amazing things in peoples lives… but I have also seen people pray and nothing happens… their spouse still refuses to change. And I have seen many divorce in that situation and move on, and I have seen many stick it out and they learn to find fulfillment outside their marriage… I am not telling you what to do other than, hard times can produce amazing Godly character… But you still must choose. 

 

Questions to ask yourself when a partner is refusing to change

 

Is what I am asking for a behavioral change or personality change? - True story about myself, when Kim and I were married the first 20 years, people would often ask her… is he like this at home? Is he like this all the time? My personality is loud, boistrous, sometimes obnoxious, I am a protector, I speak my mind any where, any time… but yes I have mellowed… She was wise enough to not ask me to change my personality, but rather my tactics and my focus in behaving the way I do. Example… if we are in a theater and someone is smoking, on their phone, talking etc… I would just yell at them from where I am at… now she has convinced me it is better I go up to them and talk to them.               Is their sense of personal identity in any way at stake here or a job conditioning they are under… many cops act a certain way because they are cops and they cannot turn it off. 

Is their refusal a matter of capacity or willingness? 

Will things be different if I give them some time? How much time can I give? What factors could foster their change? 

How would the ideal scenario of their transformation look like to me? and what would I have to change in order for them to change?

What is a transformation I would consider “good enough”? 

What is the worst that can happen? What would make me consider divorce? 

If my partner can’t change and provide what I need at the moment, is there a way I can tend to my needs differently? Can I rely on myself or others for support while giving my partner time and space? 

Am I asking them to change so I wouldn’t have to deal with an unwanted change of my own? 

If they remain the same, could I be happy with them? 

Is therapy an option? 

At what point do I give them an ultimatum with a pastor or counselor… change or Im leaving. - Not a divorce, but moving out to reassess what my life is about.