This African Love

As a certain year in the 1500s drew to a close, the reign of the fifteenth Oba of Benin was slowly drawing to a finish as well. 

Oba Ozolua pondered over his succession, usually a relatively straightforward path. He had two sons: the crown princes, brothers Esigie and Arhualan, born within minutes of each other. 

These boys were not twins, however. In those days of old as they do now, the Oba had more than one wife. Rules of succession being what they were, it was clear that the first-born son, from no matter which wife, would have the best claim to the Bronze Throne. One version of this story posits that Ozolua had a first son before Esigie and Arhualan; however, due to some machinations, this child suffer certain injuries, which disqualified him.

Cultural lore has it that, during this time, the Oba Ozolua impregnated his first and second wife at the same time. It so happened that both women bore him boys, born within minutes of each other; and, as the story goes, the son of the second wife cried first.

That boy, Esigie, was declared the heir to the throne, and his brother Arhualan was considered the future king who almost was.

Idia, the second wife and Esigie’s mother, was said to have her eye on the prize. With a cheeky wink, it’s been hinted that she smacked her infant son on the bottom, so he cried first. A profound strategist, Idia prepared her child from birth for assumption to the throne. As such she nurtured him early to learn the principles of rule and governance.

Arhualan was sent to Portugal, to learn about foreign diplomacy. As a nation with which the Benin Kingdom regularly traded, learning their customs would undoubtedly let anyone with that knowledge exceed in international relations.

Idia, however, made her son Esigie focus on, and become familiar with, the people over whom she felt he would rule one day. This move made him familiar to, and beloved by, his future constituents. 

So, Arhualan learned Portuguese while Esigie learned his people, thus giving any pre-existing resentments may have been harboured ample space and time to grow.

Upon Arhualan’s return, these tensions, brewed strong and hot like Assam tea, came to a head towards the end of Oba Ozolua’s reign.

Arhualan, a skilled warrior, was known for his phenomenal strength and size. Despite having been granted rule over Udo (a nearby town to Benin), Arhualan’s desire to be the ring that ruled them all resulted in a number of assassination attempts against Esigie, and culminated in a critical civil war in Benin history.

But, ultimately, this story isn’t about Esigie or Arhualan, or about high-stakes sibling rivalry. This story is about Idia.

Many wonder how Idia was able to finesse these happenings, and ensure that, not only would her son be strong and capable enough to rule, but that he would be alive long enough to rule well. Arguably this could have been considered a matter of life and death; it can be posited that, if Arhualan succeeded in his quest, Idia would find herself on the business end of a killing tool.

Not that she was destined to live long, either way. Culturally, mothers of incumbent Benin Obas didn’t really get to experience their children’s ascension to the Bronze Throne. These women were forcibly “retired” from life - that is, killed off - as per Benin custom. The justification for this was, apparently, that the Oba would rule again in the afterlife - and, as such, would need the companionship of his wife.

Despite these obstacles, Idia displayed supreme bravery and strategic thinking during their wartimes. Idia’s political strength was key here, she mobilised and magnified Esigie’s army, thus helping him defeat his brother in this Benin game of thrones.

Idia was a skilled fighter, with deep knowledge and expertise on how to fight and win battles. She was a fearless warrior in her own right, and a general in the Benin army.

She was hailed as a healer and “sorceress” of her time -  skills which she used to ensure her line of succession.

Post-war Idia also helped counsel her son - albeit from afar, and from her own palace. 

Esigie and Idia’s familial bond of love was strong; so much so that, Esigie refused to part with his mother in such a final, murderous way. He did as his mother had taught him, and finessed the situation. Thus it was that Esigie figured out how to exempt his mother from the established tradition of royal matricide, hiding his mother away in a shrine, until he was able to secure her right to die of natural causes.  He abolished a centuries-old tradition, making Idia the first-ever Queen Mother in the Benin Kingdom.

After her life was secured, Esigie conferred upon Idia the title of Iye Oba (or Iy’Oba) - the Mother of the Oba. This sweet gig came with some perks: recognition as strategic and military advisor, cultural leader and former, and many others. Esigie also built her a palace: Eguae Iy’Oba (Palace of the Queen Mother).

During the rest of her life, she championed soft life for the Benin people. She walked softly and carried a range of sticks, from the ukhurhe (rattle staff) to her sword that she used to slay the enemies of the crown. Even her jewellery was exclusive. Benin culture does not allow for some of the things she wore to be worn by others. Even her okuku was different. The ones given to the Iye-Oba differ greatly from those used by non-royals - even till today. A strong patron of arts and culture, she is credited as having created the Ekasa dance. Her likeness was used in 1977 as the symbol for the Festival of Arts and Culture (Festac ’77).

In the famous ivory mask bearing her likeness, there are a range of skulls above her head. They were said to be skulls from enemies that she personally vanquished.

Today Idia’s and Esigie’s story has remained one of the most enduring tales of love between a mother and her son. Idia risked it all, so that her son could have it all.

All hail: Idia, Queen Mother of the Mighty Benin Kingdom, first of her name: political emissary, army general, and a leader of arts and culture. And mother of a son who loved her very much, as he should.

One of the things about love is how it’s year-round, and what it looks during the differing seasons of the year and of our lives.

So, too, is our feeling about which season we are at, in our lives.

When Kemi was growing up, she had a plan for her life. As most people do. Yet, as we all inevitably discover, life doesn’t always go according to plan. 

“Late Harvest Wine is the Sweetest” is one woman’s story of how she’s navigated dating during the decades - her twenties, thirties, and especially, her forties. Most of all, it chronicles her independence from her way of assessing the steps her life ought to take.

In this conclusion of the previous "Ask a Man" segment, we’re going over lessons to learn from men, across varied walks of life. Married, single, all that lies in-between.

I sat down with Kaelo A today, a lawyer, marathoner, and avid book reader.

Navigating as a single, heterosexual woman is a profoundly different experience than that navigation as a married man, with children.

In this multipart series, we also spoke about the responsibilities of boundaries and consent.

In this continuation of the previous "Ask a Man" segment, we’re going over lessons to learn from men, across varied walks of life. Married, single, all that lies in-between.  

I sat down with Kaelo A today, a lawyer, marathoner, and avid book reader. 

Navigating as a single, heterosexual woman is a profoundly different experience than that navigation as a married man, with children.  

In this multipart series, we also spoke about the responsibilities of boundaries and consent.

So, we’re doing things a little differently today!

Back with Part II!

...A different flavour, but just as awesome!

I had the pleasure of sitting down with Nike Anani, one of the most phenomenal individuals I've ever come across.

One of the reasons behind talking with Nike is to discuss how to be a better human being, and how much business and love use the same approach - the importance of communication, the importance of Doing the Work, and Being Intentional.

We examine the ties between entrepreneurship, running a successful business, and running a successful relationship.

21st-century leadership 

The importance of empathy and leadership  

Glamorizing the STRUGGLE in life 

The WHYs of our decision-making

Back with a different flavour, but just as awesome!

I had the pleasure of sitting down with Nike Anani, one of the most phenomenal individuals I've ever come across.

One of the reasons behind talking with Nike is to discuss how to be a better human being, and how much business and love use the same approach - the importance of communication, the importance of Doing the Work, and Being Intentional.

We examine the ties between entrepreneurship, running a successful business, and running a successful relationship.

In the final part of Dating While Divorced, we chronicle some aspects of the divorcée journey, from a young Nigerian woman's perspective.

Picture this:

You've fallen in love, found your **person,** and are now on the way to establishing them as the king / queen of your life.  You're seeing a Happily Ever After scenario.

Now, picture THIS:

Despite your best efforts, the marriage, didn't last, for whatever reason.

Most people, when getting married, dream of a number of scenarios.  Yet, sometimes, those plans don't materialize the way we wish they would have.

In this three-part series, RCO takes us through her personal journey of, adjusting to life as an ex-spouse.

In the second part of Dating While Divorced, we chronicle some aspects of the divorcée journey, from a young Nigerian woman's perspective.

Picture this:

Now, picture THIS:

Most people, when getting married, dream of a number of scenarios.  Yet, sometimes, those plans don't materialize the way we wish they would have.

In this three-part series, RCO takes us through her personal journey of, adjusting to life as an ex-spouse..