Taylor Texas - Church members could hardly wait to grab their rifles last Sunday when Pastor announced that President Trump fulfilled yet another campaign promise to True Christian Americans™ by declaring open hunting season on endangered species.

To celebrate, church officials announced weekly hunting trips. “Ya’ll best get a move on and sign up for next weekend’s Endangered Species Blood Bath,” Pastor told churchgoers. “The trip will begin with a prayer for President Trump and then we’ll start killing. And we won’t stop our joyful slaughter until trees are dripping with blood and the forest floor is tarred and feathered in gooey grizzly guts and Ivory-Billed Woodpecker wings,” he exclaimed. “Praise the sweet name of Jesus and President Trump!”