Here’s a COVID throwback for you.

In the summer of 2021 I was helping a friend celebrate his birthday with three other people at a little outdoor soirée where mask-wearing and social distancing were in their glory days.

When someone held up a camera to take a picture of the birthday boy, I jumped up and, without thinking, wrapped my arm around him and snuggled up close for the camera. In that split second, I completely forgot that touching was risky and socially frowned upon.

I lurched back, apologizing for my momentary lapse. “When was the last time someone touched you?” I asked my single friend. “It’s been six months!” he answered, shocked at his own words.

Something as natural as touching a friend in a happy moment had been taken away from us.

My hairdresser remarked at how many people told her she was the first person to touch them in six months. When she asked these clients about the last time they were hugged, they could all recount the time and place in detail.

A simple touch, a pat, or a hand on the shoulder triggers instantaneous changes in our bodies. Our brains produce oxytocin. Studies show this chemical makes us feel more generous, empathetic, nurturing, collaborative, and grateful.

Gratitude also stimulates dopamine and serotonin, and reduces stress hormones such as cortisol and norepinephrine.

Simply put, touch makes us happier and less stressed. Physical touch lessens depression and anxiety. It b oosts our immune systems, and even reduces pain.

The pandemic showed us that something as natural as reaching out and touching someone can be taken away.

Now, when I lie in bed with my partner, I snuggle up close to his warm body. I’m more aware of the privilege of being close to someone. I stop for hugs more often, and I let them linger. I feel the goodness flow through my brain and nervous system.

Memories of the pandemic give me a deeper appreciation of all forms of physical contact. Holding hands, shoulder massages, TV cuddling — I’m more aware of it all. In place of these being entitlements, they feel more like blessings. In fact, they are.

Love in Action

Pandemics aside, living with a partner doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself in the same predicament as your single friends. Partnered and non-partnered people can both find themselves longing for more touch.

It’s not uncommon for long-term partners to let non-sexual touching fall by the wayside. They sit in separate chairs to watch TV together. They go to bed at different times. They hold their kid’s hands rather than their each other’s. Even touches of comfort or condolence can become awkward.

Peeling Back the Layers

In many relationships where sex has become strained, mismatched, or avoided, touch stops feeling simple. A hand on the thigh isn’t just a hand on the thigh. It carries a question. An expectation. Sometimes even a pressure.

One partner reaches out and the other braces, not because they don’t want connection, but because they don’t know where that touch is heading. Will I have to respond? Will this turn into something I don’t have the energy or desire for? Will I disappoint them if I don’t follow through?

Over time, the body learns. It starts to associate touch with obligation instead of pleasure. Anticipation replaces ease.

So the safest move becomes… no touch at all.

The partner who wants more sex often doesn’t realize the impact of unspoken expectations that can burden a simple touch. They experience the lack of touch as pre-determined rejection. They start to reach out less because it hurts to be turned away. Or they offer touch only when they want sex, which unintentionally reinforces the very pattern that’s pulling their partner away.

And the partner who wants less sex begins to miss touch too, but doesn’t know how to ask for it without sending mixed signals. They might think, If I cuddle, it’ll lead somewhere. Better not start something I’ll have to stop.

So both people get less of what they actually need.

Less warmth.Less nurturingLess of that simple, regulating contact that says, we’re okay.

If touch is only experienced as a bid for sex, it makes perfect sense that couples slowly stop touching altogether.

Touch for it’s own sake

When partners begin to separate touch from outcome, their nervous systems can relax. The body becomes a place they no longer have to manage or defend.

Non-sexual touch becomes a way back to their sensual selves. It becomes a connection point that allows sexual touch to re-emerge more naturally over time.

If you’re in a domestic relationship, think of all the touch experiences you can add to life with your partner. Let these touch experiences stand on their own, without them needing to lead anywhere.

Rather than the occasional side shoulder hug or pat on the back, here are some ways to invite non-sexual touch back into your day-to-day life:

Extended hugging: At least once a day, hug your partner for 20 seconds. It doesn’t sound long until you do it. It takes that long for your hormones to really kick in, so let yourself settle into that 20 seconds . Take a few slow breaths together. When one of you lets go, separate and say thank you.

Facials: Pull out the creams from the back of your closet or make your own with simple ingredients like honey or oatmeal. Let yourselves be taken care of. There’s something disarming about being tended to without needing to give anything back. Most women know the pleasure of a getting facial. Most men can learn a thing or two about relaxing and receiving.

Foot massage: A good foot massage feels simple and grounding. The pressure, the warmth, all help the whole body relax. It’s one of those rare moments where you don’t have to do anything, just sink in and enjoy being taken care of.

Sensual wrestling: Touch doesn’t always have to be soft. It can be playful, physical, a little chaotic. Pressing, pulling, laughing. Make agreements about boundaries so both people feel safe from getting hurt accidentally, then let your bodies re-learn each other in motion.

Dancing: Put on music from your teens and move together. Not to perform, just to be in the same rhythm again. Hold each other, or just be ridiculous. As they say, dance like no one, (except your partner), is watching.

Partner yoga: Leaning into each other for balance and support creates a different kind of trust. You feel each other’s weight, literally. Slow down, breath deeply and move together as one unit.

Sensation meditation: Take turns giving each other unexpected sensory experiences. Soft, scratchy, warm, cool. Blindfold the receiver and let the body wake up without needing to interpret or respond.

Massage: A massage table can help set a container that is a full-body experience in itself. Taking turns giving and receiving touch helps rebuild generosity without pressure, and pleasure without expectation.

Shower or bathe together: Let your partner wash your hair, dry your back, lotion your body. Let yourself be taken care of. There’s a kind of innocence in that, a return to simple nurturing touch.

Holding hands: Take your partner’s hand when you’re walking together. This simple gesture is full of loving intent. It says, I’ve got you, I’m here with you, you matter to me.

Get creative. Don’t treat this list as complete. Because the goal isn’t just more touch. It’s no-pressure touch. Touch that doesn’t ask for anything beyond what’s being given.

Every couple is different, and there’s no gold standard here. But if touch has silently slipped out of your relationship, it’s worth asking why.

Has touch become burdened with thoughts, fears, expectations, resistance?

Start a conversation with your partner about touch and rediscover the pure unadulterated pleasure of love in action.

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