Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go," but as parents, we must ensure we go that way too. As Christian parents, we want our children to see the Gospel in us through our lives and parenting, which means we must strive to live it out before our kids.

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Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go," but as parents, we must ensure we go that way too.

Table of contentsDavid's Sins in His SonsAmnon's Evil without David's DisciplineAbsalom's Evil without David's DisciplineAdonijah's Evil without David's DisciplineTrain Up a Child in the Way He Should Go to Avoid Seeing Your Sins in Your ChildrenWhy Didn't David Punish His Sons?Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Regardless of Past SinsThe Command to Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Is Not Conditional on Our PastsBut Isn't It Hypocritical To...Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go By ExampleSin In Our Children's Lives Is Sin in Our LivesOur Children Act Like UsKatie's Best Friend Who Committed ApostasyModeling What We Want to SeeWhy Do Pastors' Kids Commit Apostasy?Tell your Children You're a SinnerThe Two Ways Children Find Out Their Parents Aren't PerfectModel Accepting ResponsibilityChoosing to Be Proud or Humble

David's Sins in His Sons

David suffered a lot in his lifetime: the rebellion of his sons, the many sons who were murdered, and the betrayal he experienced from friends. But I wonder if anything was worse for him than seeing his sins in his children.

Amnon's Evil without David's Discipline

David had a son named Amnon, who lusted after his half-sister Tamar. She resisted him, but he overtook her and had his way with her. Here's how David responded when he heard the news:

2 Samuel 13:21 But when King David heard of all these things, he was very angry.

David got very angry, but that’s it. He didn’t do anything. Consider this happened to his daughter, but there’s no record of him punishing Amnon. According to God’s Law, David actually should’ve executed him.

Tamar felt violated and alone. You would expect her to go to her father, David, for help and consolation, but instead, she went to live with her brother, Absalom. I suspect she knew David wouldn’t do anything.

Absalom's Evil without David's Discipline

While Tamar was with Absalom, you can guess how furious he became toward Amnon because of what he did to his sister. I’m not making any excuses for Absalom, but because David didn’t punish Amnon, Absalom decided to take matters into his own hands. He got Amnon drunk and had him murdered. David learned what had happened, so Absalom ran away:

2 Samuel 13:38 So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. 39 And King David longed to go to Absalom. For he had been comforted concerning Amnon, because he was dead.

After three years, the pain of Amnon’s murder subsided, and David wanted to be reconciled with his son, Absalom. There’s only one problem: guess what David doesn’t want to do? Punish him! David’s indulgent attitude toward Amnon is now being repeated with Absalom. David and Absalom are finally reunited:

2 Samuel 14:33 So Joab went to the king (this is David) and told him. And when he (this is David) had called for Absalom, he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king. Then the king kissed Absalom.

This signified David’s reconciliation with his son, but there was no punishment. This failure caused terrible problems. Absalom is back in David’s good graces. He wanted this precisely because he had a plan he couldn’t fulfill while exiled from the land. So next, he steals the people's hearts and turns the nation against his father. David has to escape the land, and Absalom takes David’s wives for himself. Then, in one of the lowest moments of David’s life, his men had to battle against his son.

Don't View Your Children Too Sentimentally

This would’ve been unimaginably difficult, but by this point, David knows the problems associated with not punishing Absalom. So he will command his men to execute him after everything he’s done so no more harm comes to the nation. Right? Nope. When David's men were about to battle against Absalom:

2 Samuel 18:5 Now the king had commanded Joab, Abishai, and Ittai, saying, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains orders concerning Absalom.

I read this and think, “Are you kidding me?” Consider for a moment about everything Absalom has done: he’s a murderer and rapist who stole the throne from his father, and now he’s trying to kill him. He divided the nation, and David says, “Go easy on him. He’s just a kid!” Viewing our children too sentimentally can be dangerous, and David is probably the best example in Scripture.

Adonijah's Evil without David's Discipline

David's son, Adonijah, decided he would be king even though David – and, more importantly, God – had not chosen him to be king. The obvious question is, “How could this young man become so arrogant and selfish?” Here’s the answer:

1 Kings 1:6 [David] had [never] rebuked him at any time by saying, “Why have you done so?”

You can tell Adonijah must’ve been a complete brat growing up, but not only had David never disciplined him, it says David never even asked him why he was doing what he was doing. This is why he ended up the way he did! His life came to an end when he manipulatively went to Solomon’s mother, Bathsheba, to ask if one of David’s concubines could be given to him as a wife. Solomon knew he was trying to steal the throne, so he had him killed.

Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go to Avoid Seeing Your Sins in Your Children

A man saw a woman that didn’t belong to him. He took that woman anyway. Who am I talking about?

I could be talking about David with Bathsheba.

I could be talking about Amnon with Tamar.

I could be talking about Absalom with David’s wives.

Adonijah didn’t succeed but tried to do this with David’s concubine, Abishag.

A man gave another man an invitation. Then he got the man drunk. After that, he had someone murder him. Who am I talking about?

I could be talking about David with Uriah.

I could be talking about Absalom with Amnon.

Consider:

David said, “I don’t care if that woman is married. If I want her, I’ll take her.”

Amnon said, “I don’t care if that woman is my half-sister; if I want her, I’ll take her.”

Absalom said, “I don’t care if those are my father’s wives; if I want them, I’ll take them.”

Adonijah said, “I don’t care if Abishag is my father’s concubine; if I want her, I’ll take her.”

David looked very cunning, plotting his sexual sin with Bathsheba.

Amnon looked very cunning, plotting his sexual sin with Tamar.

David looked very cunning, plotting the murder of Uriah.

Absalom looked very cunning, plotting the murder of Amnon.

David found his sins coming back to haunt him. His sons looked just like him. It’s one thing when our children sin, but it’s another when we feel like they learned it from us.

A man never sees the worst of himself until it reappears in his child.

Frederick Brotherton Meyer, David: Shepherd, Psalmist, King, page 123.

There are lots of great reasons to pursue holiness as parents. One of the greatest is so we don’t have to see our sins passed to our children.

Why Didn't David Punish His Sons?

David and Moses are arguably the most outstanding leaders in the Old Testament. No other men are like them in terms of sheer leadership. So the obvious question is, how could David, such a strong leader, be such a poor parent? How could a man who led other men in battle and ruled a kingdom so exceptionally have so much trouble leading his own home?

David was unwilling to take charge of his children, demand obedience, or punish them for their sins. But, along with Moses, David is arguably the most outstanding leader in the Old Testament. No other men are like them in terms of sheer leadership. So the obvious question is: How could such a strong leader be such a poor parent? How could a man who led other men in battle and ruled a kingdom so exceptionally have so much trouble leading his own home?

The answer is David’s sons deserved the death penalty, but how could David – who had himself committed crimes deserving the death penalty – carry out that punishment against his sons who followed his example?

David couldn’t punish his sons because of his sin-filled past. He sees what they’ve done but knows he’s done worse. He feels he lacks the moral authority to punish them because of his failings.

When Absalom rapes Tamar, David is angry, but he takes no action because of his sexual sin.

When Absalom murders Amnon, David does nothing because he, too, has committed murder!

Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Regardless of Past Sins

This is one of the great lessons we can learn from David. David felt guilt and shame regarding the sins he committed. But he dealt with this guilt and shame the wrong way. He let it make him soft and indulgent toward his children.

Here’s what David could’ve said to his sons, and if you read this and your past sins discourage you from disciplining your children, here’s what you can tell yours, too: "I know the danger associated with not restraining yourself from sin. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me. I’ve paid a terrible price for my sins. I don’t want you to have to pay that price too.” Real love looks our children in the eyes and says: “I want you to grow up to be a better man or woman than me. That’s why I’m disciplining you for this.”

The Command to Train Up a Child in the Way He Should Go Is Not Conditional on Our Pasts

Consider these two well-known proverbs about disciplining our children:

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son,