Bert’s two teenage daughters get into some ridiculously fancy private school in Beverly Hills. The kind of place where the tuition is more than my annual rent and the parents all look like they’ve never experienced humidity. To keep the girls enrolled, the Kreischer family has to… behave. Which means Bert—our shirtless, story-telling, machine-running national treasure—has to put on a shirt. Like, regularly. And keep it on. For longer than five minutes.