I often invite couples to imagine that they have both just been wheeled into the ER. They’re not there because they injured each other, but because they’re finally at a point where the pain can no longer be ignored. The injuries are real, even when they didn’t originate in this relationship, and both people are in need of care.

In that space, the question shifts away from blame and toward understanding. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” we begin to ask, “What happened to you?” This shift alone can begin to soften something, because it moves the focus from blame to curiosity.

The Repair Your Relationship Podcast is hosted by Stacey Curnow, a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor and Relationship Specialist, and founder of Asheville Family Counseling.