In Finny's Bar, Baldy gets on Finny's nerves, Professor Keith tries to have a calm snack with Clare, one of his two daughters, and university provost Broadleaf faces off against bar-&-land-owner Mehfooz. Brian hits play on the jukebox and the debate of whether to procure a virgin for him continues... Culminating in a tense Ebay auction with another virgin-bidder named 'The Imperator'. Who will win the bid for an 18 year-old online virgin? Listen on... University College Loughfeg State I is an Ear-Film production by Amplevoicepod. Baldy: That lad David Blaine’s a rip off, I bet you twenty Chuzzler bars that the next time he’s danglin’ his ego in a box of water, he’ll have a special fitted subaqua breathin’ device… like a dolphin or manatee or some shite… Finny: If I’d known how much you talked I’d never have come out of the toilet. Pavla: He’s got skeptic shock that’s all. Baldy: I know what I’m sayin’! Finny: Pity Pendle-Rubbers didn’t want you for overtime today… Mehfooz: Listen Bali, if we wait until next week, it will be too late. It is very simple. The town council is voting in two days’ time. Parnell Park is ours easy daisy, chutney gravy. We pray to Lakshmi that Broadleaf O’Hara has had his day, the council will approve the tender to me as developer and the illegally used portion of our land which Loughfeg is currently built on will then be ours to build on. What goes up must come down… He has no chance, Vishnu has forsaken him. Bali: Speak of the infidel… Broadleaf: Hello Mehfooz. How are you? Great meal last week, magnificent Prawn Bhuna. Mehfooz: Why, thank you sir. We aim to please sir. Broadleaf: Any word your end about the council tender plans for Parnell Park? Mehooz: Well, no, nothing Mr O’Hara, we are waiting on confirmation. I believe the vote is in two days’ time. Broadleaf: Yes, I was meeting with them today regarding the funding. We have to wait until after the vote to see if we get our money from the bank. It all hinges on the tender and the little boundary thing. Shame really… Mehfooz: I wish you pleasant Stothras with it sir. Broadleaf: But I would have to say you know Mehfooz, that it would be a lot easier if you and your consortium, just to give a little way, you know, you know, sidestep the boundary issue. (New Edition – Candy Girl comes on the Jukebox) Floyd: What are you playing Bubbles? Brian: ♫ Candy Girl! You Rock my Wor-erld ♫ Ace: Your taste in music Bubbles is so… over, yunno? Brian: (Sneezes) (Blows nose) Oh ‘magine, with the girl you guys are gonna get me, in the classroom, on a table, not a stitch on us, me with the wibbler ready, then I put on my earphones and boom! ♫ CANDY GIRL!! YOU ROCK MY WORLD! ♫ (sneeze) Ace: I’m not getting her for you. I’m sticking to my principle. Baldy: ‘Ere, I can get you a set of headphones cheaper off the other lad. Brian: Nah Baldly, mine are the best. Baldy: Seriously, I know a fella, he’ll PDA me the details, half price too… sure ya- Finny: Everything you say irritates me Baldy, everything you do irritates me… and when you’re not here, the things that I know you’re gonna say and do when you get here, irritate me. Baldy: (Stares at Finny, flicks lighter) Finny: Ya yellow toothed cunt. Ace: Time out Finny! Just wash some glasses or somethin’ and pull me a Cider shandy. Baldy: He loves me really… but anyway Bubbles, I’ll toggle up the internet now on the palm pilot n’ wifi it to yer mobile… (Sound of TV flicking on) Finny: Did you just do that with your little stupid machine? (Arlee Davidson’s Sports News) Baldy: Wheh? Finny: And the coffee machine too lookah! Mehfooz: Calm down Mr O’Hara, we have submitted a plan to the council respecting all bylaws and regulations, seeing to do what is best for this community and if that means- Broadleaf: (excited)… IF that means, that YOU can DESTROY… Mehfooz: Please don’t finish my words… Broadleaf: …the long tradition of UCLS education in this town. Mehfooz: BALI! Curse of Krishna on you. Pavla: Hi, what can I get you? Keith: Some peace and quiet maybe, but sparing that, a bottle of Corona and a food menu please… Clare: Dad, you have really got to stop that. Keith: What? Clare: That… attitude… Keith: It’s not my fault the foreigners and students can’t speak softly is it? Je-sus. And where is your sister? Clare: Sinead is at home studying… Keith: Hmm. On the internet more like, studying the latest Enrique Iglesias facial gyration. (TV FX of Bush Speaking) Bush: On my orders, the United States Military has begun strikes… Clare: Look Dad… Bush: against our staunch friend, Great Britain. Clare: There’s the ‘George Bush’ on TV. Bush: Good afternoon. Keith: Mmnn… Bush: Speaking to you today from the White House… A place where presidents have become outlaws and murderers themselves… Baldy: Now, take this other lad there… Think about it, In our modern society, the truly Orwellian nature of the War On Terror - where all we can be told 'for security reasons' is that a faceless organisation we are at war with, can be anywhere, in any country in the world, and 'for security reasons' we can't be told how anyone knows that. I’m right aren’t I? Finny: And now, a few examples of bullshit from Baldy’s vast experience… Baldy: You believe me Sandals dontcha? Floyd: Uh? You talking to me? Em, sure… I was just lookin’ at Mr Keith over there with eh… Ace: His daughter… Floyd: Yeah? Brian: That giant chin took the piss out of me with his left hand needles. I’ll get him somehow, (coughs) the brainy preenus. Floyd: Good luck dude… Bush: To all the men and women in our military so far from home, I gave a fourth grade girl with more than forty cunts. This young girl knows the value of fucking and now every sailor every soldier every marine will come. Finny: Did he just say that? Brian: Him and his axle of eejits, hihihi. Baldy: See… I told yis… As mad as an Arab! Finny: Shh! Baldy you fucking idiot! The owner is sitting across the room. Ace: But Mehfooz is not an arab, he’s Hindu right? Finny: Hindu, voodoo, boogaloo, I don’t care, I’m not starting race riots on account of ring-fingers here… Baldy: You want to see my winter range… Pavla: Mr Keith, table four… a low fat turkey sandwich, trimmed of ALL the fat, no onions, lots of tomatoes and to be served on a… big fucking chin… Finny: Here, give him this rabbit sandwich, it’ll do… Bush: I recently received a touching from my dad in the treaty room of the white house… Broadleaf: No, you lower your tone! Mehfooz: You MUST calm down Mr O’Hara, it is not healthy to conduct yourself like this… Broadleaf: I will not be spoken to like this! Mehfooz: Business is business… Broadleaf: What?! You condescending playground bully, with your henchmen, and your… your colour! Bali: (Jumps to feet) the infidel! Mehfooz: Gentlemen!! Please!! Ace: Troubles up… Mehfooz: Bali! Keith: Mm, this sandwich tastes full of testosterone… Look at those Neanderthals and cretins… Broadleaf: Don’t touch me… Mehfooz! Call off your dog! Finny: Eh gentlemen, can you keep the noise down. Mehfooz: Sorry Finny, but Mr O’Hara was insistent to come in and bark accusations at me… I am sorry. I am sorry for this… Broadleaf: You are taking our soul if you take our land! Taking it, raping it from the heart! Finny: Right… em, sorry Mr O’Hara, I’ll have to ask you to leave the premises. Floyd: Size of the back wheels on Finny, Baldy: He’s only suckin; up to the owner, that Mehfooz lad…             Floyd: Hah? Broadleaf: Me? Well, I, it’s, ahhh, fine… We will win this vote, just you wait and see… Mehfooz: I wish you pleasant hope and see you in the restaurant soon… Broadleaf: …eh… yes… probably Friday… but you’ve not won yet! (Door slams) Mehfooz: May the god of Seeva go with you… Brian: ♫ Candy girl! You rock my world! Da-da-da-duh-d-d-d-d-duh! ♫ Keith: Wonderful. Saved by the Prince of Barmen... And this sandwich tastes like the Turkey shampooed in lard… and call these tomatoes? Overgrown Chaffinch balls more-like… Clare: Dad, please, cop-on… Floyd: Mmm, hey, my idea sponge is bulging. Bubbles? Come ‘ere. I have a plan… Brian: (Sneezes). U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat.Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.