George: I have no idea about com-pu-ters, but I know a man who does and that is UCLS info-tech-ererer, Ciaran Brennan; Ciaran: This’s computer science 101 like, I am your lord and saviour to convey you through the valley of the Trojan’s, Daemons and Sassers like. You’re gonna like-it. Floyd: Hey, look over there Ace, there’s that scanger who was throwin’ punches first day. Ace: Ah! Raymond… how did he fall onto this course? Brian: (Inhales) So whatch goin’ tell me about Tash hah? Ace: Dick showed us a piece of paper from Tash’s room that confirmed he was the ‘Imperator’ from last night’s Ebay madness. So Floyd has this idea to- Floyd: …make Tash think he actually won because then- Ace: …we’ll be able to manipulate him and get revenge- Floyd: …for him picking on us for extra work and all round- Ace: …persecution- Floyd: …and because he’s a- Ace: ….sociopathic Talaxian bent on destroying the galaxy. Floyd: Yes, right. That. Probably. Mmm. So, y’see, we just needed to find a- Ace: …girl. Floyd: …stop that now. Ace: Sorry. Brian: Who did you find? Ace: Yeah who did you find Floyd? Ciaran: Oooh, sorry to interrupt your fascinating communications but I am the system to which you will connect to at this time every Thursday for the semester ok? Unblocked access to my words at all time like, you know? Thanks… As I was sayin’… My names Ciaran Brennan and today we’ll be doin’ VB; Visual Basic, loada shite really, but seeing as it’s what puts… Ace: Tell us Floyd… Floyd: It’s simple… Brian: Yeah… Floyd: Pavla at Finny’s bar, single girl, up for a laugh, got a brain and a filthy mouth. Brian: She’s nice. I’d like to touch her. Ace: You have your plate full man, chill-pill, Top 10 choice for sure Floyd, but I think you got your work cut out. She’s a bunny boiler if ever there was one. Floyd: Exactly. More than a match for Mr. Tash… Brian: Ah, shhhh… Ciaran: …don’t like it… This language, like you know, it’s ‘code’. Which is cool, ok so… Log on to the pcs everyone and away we- Ace: If I can get a chance here I can copy over the verification email I got from Ebay last night, take the source code in HTML and then take Tash’s details from the print out and then add it in, fix up the code, make sure it looks like it’s from Ebay and then email it to him, saying he’s the winner… Floyd: Oh! Vice Admiral Genius, all boosters firing there… or whatever they say. Ciaran: Ah boys, thought I recognised yis, ‘sis great y’ron the course with me like. Don’t worry ‘about a thing now, I’ll see yis right, I know Finny and he knows ye and we now know each other, so keep yer noses clean, keep the head down and yis have yer A’s in the brown paper bag already okaaay? Ace: Wow, thanks Ciaran. Brian: That's brilliant. Ciaran: Our lil’ secret okaaay? Brian: That’s deadly isn’t it? Floyd: My kind of teacher. Ok, Ace, whatcha doin’ there in cyber-city? Ace: Got the source code from Ebay, now just putting in the ‘Imperator’s’ details and changing the syntax to read that in fact he is now the winner as the previous incumbent was a hoaxer, and couldn’t verify the security measures in place by the auctioneer. Floyd: Right on Chief. Ace: …So in effect it’ll read that Tash won the second auction as the next highest bidder was chosen. Now I’ll test the source code to see does that show all right in Explorer, and then send Tash an email to his Ebay account contact email that he has to… Brian: Psst…Ace… Ace: -meet the girl tonight at 7pm at- Brian: ACE…. Ace: - Finny’s bar which doesn’t give us much time to get Pavla ready, but if your… owww! Raymond: What you doing geek? Ace: Fuck! Raymond: Mmm, looks interestin’ eh?! What were you just saying about Mr Tash? Brian: SEND IT!! Floyd: Fuck off Raymond, go listen to your Scooter collection. Ciaran:  Quiet at the back there lads… Ace: Done! It’s sent. Hi shithead… Floyd: Oh, the ‘staunch’ in this place… Raymond: The hippy thinks he’s getting’ lucky a second time eh? Careful now, I’m seeing a little problem for you boys- Ace: Get the halitosis out of my face before I… Raymond: What? Before you piss your g-string and cry to teacher, Percy boy… Ace: You fucking Retard! Call me names eh?? (Scuffle ensues) Raymond: I'll knock the bleedin' head off ya! Ciaran: Oooh, oooh, I don’t like it! I don’t like it! Ace! (Mr. Tash enters room) Student: Looka! It’s Tash! Tash: Hello! Oh, Mr Brennan, I will help you with this ejectamenta. Come here you wasters. Waaaysters! Ace: This dicksplash started it. Tash: A familiar cry wolf I hear Ace… Up to the office… Raymond: Was all his fault sir, he provoked me sir- Tash: Move! Ciaran: Stupid, stupid. Tash: Watch it, quick step, socks up… (Door slams, in room) Tash: I’m afraid the Provost is not here today, on business with the university council about tomorrow night’s committee meeting. Very important you see, eee-sseeen-tial! You human blight. (Opens office door) Tash: Sit you three degrees of stupidity, stooges one and all (chews gum, spits it out). Ace: It wasn’t me who started it, eh, sir. (Knock on door) Tash: Enter… Dick: Ah, Mr Tash, I’m to water the plants for the Provost while he was away but I see you are busy… I’ll come back later… Tash: Noo noo, please Dick, come in and bear witness to the folly I have before me. The jack-assess were up to horseplay ridibg bareback to a final warning and automatic expulsion if they are not remorseful for their actions… Floyd: Well, this infection here, he’s been listening to too much 2Pac. Ace: But is 2Pac really dead Floyd? Tash: Silence! Raymond: Heh, you’re an idiot Floyd. Dick: Mmm, a quandary Mr Tash. Tash: Oh but I beg to differ Mr Soupe, yet before sentence be administered within the guidelines of the behavioural code, let us listen to the painful cries of innocents from the gallery of goons before us. Raymond, please… Ace: Why him? Pickin' favourites now… Tash: What did you say? Dick: NOW NOW there Ace, fair, eh, (cough), is fair… we realise you are a little shocked at all this confusion but we’ll soon have everybody back to their courses, of course, eh, once Mr Tash has dispensed the appropriates, eh sorry there, eh continue… Tash: Riiight, so Raymond, what to entertain us, is your version of events? Raymond: These two guys were on the pc in Mr Brennan’s class and it was clear they wasn’t listening to the teacher- Tash: ‘Weren’t’ Raymond, ‘weren’t’… for the love of grammar… Raymond: Instead they WERE ON EBAY AND TRYING TO TAKE… Dick: JESUS! Ace: ARRRGHGHGHGH! Tash: Settle down! Settle down! Ace: Awgn bastard! Floyd: Say a word and I’ll cut your beans off… Tash: Cretins! Raymond: …he’s trying t-oowwww!! Dick: Sorry Raymond, that’s my watering can. Tash: Pull them apart Dick at once! Ace: Mongoloid Vulcan-faced retard… Tash: That is enough! I wish to hear no more. You are all as guilty as each other and- Dick: …deserve to be given another chance because UCLS in, is, a fostering facility that doesn’t give up on its students! I couldn’t agree more with you Mr Tash, good thinking, yep. Fine handlin’… Tash: I said nothing of the sort… Dick: Didcha not? Oh, well, I thought a man of your stature would naturally see the wood for the trees and understand that these young troubled growing plants need care, an', an' eh encouragement to stay on the right track… but, Tash: The plants outside need watering Mr Soupe, thank you for your help, that will be all. Dick: Right y’are so. Now youse lads, youse listen to Mr Tash and don’t let him see this badness out of yis again. Right… right? Thanks! Cough… dum-de dum… Tash: How strange. Whatever is going on I want it ended now. Raymond: But… Tash: Quiet! Detention. Tomorrow night. 8pm. At the committee meeting you will, all three of you, set up the tables, serve the drinks and clean up once the meeting is over. You will take instruction from Mr Soupe, who obviously seems to be of your ilk enough to get through to your thick coagulated heads. And now, feast your emaciated faces on me boys; this is your last warning. One more slip, one more twitch and I will personally guarantee your frog march out of this University. That’s it! Dismissed. And Raymond, don’t play the tell-tale snitch. Now get out of this office, you staaains mmmnnn. (Door closes) Raymond: Hahahaha. Look at ya now! Hahaaha! Ace: Listen you child, don’t fuck with the fury in me because if you unleash the fucking fury I will, so help me Spock, I will make you feel hurt… and big amoeba like you don’t like pain do they? Raymond: Ow! Ace: Do they?! Captain Janeway: At ease… Floyd: I- I reiterate my threat to cut yer balls of too. Raymond: Play your little games, I don’t care… Floyd: Good! Raymond: You two are psychos! Floyd: So let’s all have a group hug here in the Scooby gang- and get some team bonding for tomorrow night okay? Raymond: On witcha, ya pack of idiots. Ace: I think he, eh… Floyd: Got the message? Yeah, I saw the veins bulging… you were about to go all Chuck Norris on us with the nervous hands. Ace: Ehm, mm, yeah, sometimes it all builds up… and… pow! Out it comes. Floyd: Yeah, Superman’s underpants blow straight off ya! I get ya. Got to be careful though y’see ‘coz- Ace: Are you lecturing me? Floyd: No, no- Ace: Good. I’m all lectured out at the moment Floyd. Between pep talks at home to mad psychopaths in this place, I’m needing a time-out big style. Floyd: And Star Trek helps, I get it. Ace: That’s nothing to do with it! You… y- aaargh! I LIKE Star Trek, its science fictional entertainment that I find fun, enjoyable and stimulating! What is it with you? Can’t you understand that art is art on one side and life with its, whatever it is, is on the other! Floyd: You are not a nerd ok, you are maybe just- Ace: OH FUCK UP YOU MORON! Floyd: More sensitive… I’ll be your personal insult bag and you can hurl ‘em, sling ‘em and belch ‘em at me and it’ll work for ya Treklord… Ace: (Sigh). So anyway, what are we going to do now with Tash? He’s gonna read that email soon, then he’s, ceterus paribus, going to be at Finny’s at 7pm to meet Pavla at the same time that we have to meet Brenda with her solicitor. Floyd: This is like, CSI UCLS… where’s David Carusso to pick up the bitches? Ace: Fool. And another complication is having the date for Bubbles tomorrow night while we’re going to be at that committee meeting. Floyd: Change it. Ace: Can’t. Floyd: Why not? Ace: Are you lucid today Fogbrain? The rules man! The rules! Has to be tomorrow. Rules said so. This is going to be a bit tricky my long haired mongrel. Floyd: Rules, rules, rules… Sometimes you just have too 'much' rules… Ace: Thanks for solving the problem there with some insightful idea. Floyd: Ah-ha, I see the colour’s back in your face now. Never fear, for when Dick Soupe is near, let’s get a head start by throwin’ shapes to Finny’s and asking Pavla now. Yes, that’s right, you with the cotton scarf, follow me; the mellow fellow, on the sick road… Ace: Follow the mellow sick road… Floyd: Yes, and together! Together: ♫ FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW THE MELLOW SICK ROAD, OH FOLLOW THE MELLOW SICK ROOOOAAAAD!! ♫ Dick: Youse are a pair of blob hammocks, nearly getting’ yourselves thrown out! Utter black enamel madness! Floyd: (leaving…) Tomorrow, Dick Tomorrow! Elevenses, remember?! Dick: If I had young lads like that they’d abeen drowned in d’barrel out d’back be now. (Long pause) Dick: But I do like them… U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.