George - Hello! Do sit. Take the weight of your meat. Glad you could join me once again for another wonderful useless story. Welcome to U.C.L.S. Toe! Well, we had better get our feet wet hadn’t we? We join our story deep within the shrubbery of Ballygannorn Woods, and two lost souls in a very old abode… Bunsen: Now I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Ah! Hang on man! Go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem… challenge… problem, challenge… Huuagh… Bunsen: You won’t let me down Bourney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoeoooo…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on!  You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool. I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me, will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Now then, what make you of that mmm? Someone’s playing sillybuggers and it doesn’t sound too good for our incapacitated friend hah? We need to go to the beginnings of the day at University College Loughfeg State, where Janitor Richard Soupe is rushed off his feet fixing the bus. Dick: (Grabs spanner) Gyaagh! Tash: Ho-ho, good evening Dick, I trust you are feeling fit and able, it is quite a drive to Slough Feg. Dick: Gyah! Get away from me ya scruffy flea infester-ed moggie! Tash: Ooh, look, a little cute fuss fuss. Dick: Shyeah, that’s my mate Spike’s stinkin’ cat followin’ me everywhere looking for food. Da lane ya hoor ya!! Tash: Mmmm an animal lover too Soup, I see. I shall leave you too it. Dick: I’ll just top her up with oil and water and we’ll be ready to… Hit the road Tash! Dontcha cum back no more, no more, no mo-ar! Hehmeheheheh, ya bulb-headed pervert… (Opening Credits) Voice: A&M Presents, A&M presents, A&M Presents, A&M Presents… Dick: Hah? Voice: U… C… L… S… Toe… Dick: Toe? Voice: Starring… Ace… Ace: Look! Look! Look, look… Clare: Floyd… Floyd: Excuse me? Sinead: Bubbles! Bubbles: Where are we? Keith: Professor Keith. Come on amoeba! Mr. Tash. Tash: Cretinous fool! Mr. Dick Soupe. Dick: Hah? I can’t find it! Ace: Wubba. Wubba: This is mad, any mushrooms? Silas: Busher! Busher: Nobody knows the real Busher. Silas: Silas Bunsen. I loved him! Concobhar: Concobhar Bunsen. Aw suck the bunion… Cornelius: Cornelius Bunsen, Dick: Toe! Floyd: Clare? Clare: nobody talk to me okay? Dick: Toe! Bubbles: Sinead! Sinead: Yeah? Dick: Toe! Are yis all sitting comfortably? Busher: Peah! Dick: Toe! Then Dick shall begin… Keith: What are you saying? Dick: Uh-oh! Voice: Useless! Dick: Hah? George: Dick and foot on the pedal, the academic excursionists, chaperoned by Professor Keith and Mr. Norman Tash, speed on to a delightful summer solstice rendezvous! With the Neon-Lithium tombs at Slough Feg. Second years; Accursis Byrne , Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury and Floyd Frisbane are footloose and fancy free. (Foreigner – ‘Jukebox Hero’ plays on bus) Ace: Hey that’s such a good tune man, who is it? Floyd: Yeah its mint alright, these guys rock a lot. Brian: A‘course they do Floyd they have to fit in with your macho man image hihihih! Floyd: Hey you’re the macho man givin’ that Sinead girl a good seeing to. Gave her the futcha-futcha-futcha didn’t ya? Ace: Keep it down Floyd, her oul lad’s on the bus, not to mention herself. Brian: I don’t want to talk about it Floyd. I just want to forget that whole sorry episode. Floyd: Ah ya big sloppy kisser. Bet you don’t. Bet you beat the bishop every night thinking about her sweet tender lu-u-uve. Ace: Jay-Zee. Floyd: Tight hairstyle Ace. Didn’t know you were a fan of Alphabeat. Ace: FASCINATION! FASCINATION! FASCINATION! Dick: Gyah! Keith: Can we keep the noise down lest we forget we are on a school excursion not some social bonding experiment. You should be mentally preparing yourself for the privilege of seeing the historic Neolithic Tombs of Slough-Feg. At sunset the illumination of its passage by the winter solstice sun is a joy to behold. A narrow beam of light will penetrate an opening just above the entrance, known as the roof-box, and then reach the floor of the chamber. This will gradually extend to the rear of the passage. Then night takes over. Oooh. (Dick slams the brakes of the bus). Keith: Arrgh!! Ace: Looka, Mr. Keith nearly fell into Jennifer’s tits. Keith: Dick! Must you brake so hard? Dick: Sorry Professor, the brakes’s very tight. Keith: Apply the pressure gently Dick, then it’ll slow down… not crush us into window pizza. Ace: Wow Professor! Like, we’re on the bus, yet your STILL teaching us about the basic laws of physics. You are a legend. Brian: He looks like Art Garfunkel. Floyd/Brian: “Bright eyes! Buuurnin’ like Fiyooor”… Keith: Keep flapping your jaws Ace. I will inform you when you have finally said something remotely funny…. What IS that smell? Dick: Eh I think this old lady be burning a bit of oil. STINKIN’ BITCH! Ace: For the love of James Tiberius Kirk open a window!! Brian: (Vomits) Ace: Ah here! Get off me ya spazbag! Dick: I’ve seen worse. Tash: Keep your eye on the road Mr Soup! Brian: Uuugh, sorry Ace, I think I’ve travel sickness. Clare: Dad, Dad! Stop the bus, the smell… I’m going to be sick too. Sinead: Like every morning. Clare: Shuttup you slut. Sinead: That’s what he told you last night and stop wearing those stupid glasses, you look ridiculous… Ace: I gotta clean my trainers! Tash: Now, now, settle down everyone! I’ve opened the window to alleviate the smell… Floyd: Jes-us. Brian: (Wheezes) Keith:  What are you saying? Tash: Oh dear God, the boy’s having an asthma attack! Dick: Jesus lads, it was only a little fart. Keith:  Ah, he can suffocate after the way he humiliated my daughter. Dick: Eh, help the poor little fart, here I’ll gets him a paper bag. Somewhere here, I know Spike takes a packed lunch… I can’t open the glove compartment! Brian: Sorry! Floyd: Aceman, check his jacket for his asthma bottle. Ace: You mean his inhaler. No, nothing, try his bag. Floyd: His bag is huge, dude! I’ll need a torch and, and a map! Dick: I can’t find it, I CAN’T FIND IT! C’mere ya black basket! Tash: Mr Soup! Brian: Urk urgh urrgh…. Floyd: This’ll take me hours, he could be dead by then, try his trouser pockets. Ace: Eeeeyooooo!! Floyd: What the hell’s wrong with you man? Ace: He really does like this bouncy bus. Oh thank god it’s his phone. Phee-yoo. Brian: (Going blue) Jennifer: Here, youse clowns, use mine. Floyd: Oh yeah forgot about you. Brian: Phissh Phissh eeeeh (inhales). Ace: Thanks Genita-Jen-Jennifer if you gave up the smokes you might not need this as much. Tash: What? Sinead: Jerk. Jennifer: You’re so dead Acursius. Brian: (Catches breath) Ace: I rock. George: The battered old twenty four foot minibus creaked and cranked its way through the precarious ridges of the Aughavalley Pass.  Dick: Cursa-duggan’s-bog on ya! Keith: What’s going on? Dick: Well Jesus now, bollix! I thought I filled her up, we can’t be outta juice! Ace: Would it help if Floyd got out and pushed? Floyd: ‘Scuse me? Brian: Where are we? Floyd: Downtown middle of nowhere dude. Greeeat. Dick: There’s fierce smoke coming from the engine… Keith: (sighs) Let’s investigate it then. Tash: Mr. Keith, this could be a problem, the area we are passing through is quite remote. Keith: Is that right Mr Tash? I would never have known. Sinead: Dad you know nothing about engines. Floyd: Like you sweet tits, I reckon it’s shagged. Sinead: Fuck you Floyd. Floyd: Sure! I go easy. Clare: What is that smell? Dick: Mneh, right, let’s have a look under here. Now, ‘snot looking too good it is. Ah shite! Tash: What is it Dick? Dick: I think I split me keks when I bent over there. Anyway, you might want ta make a few calls see if we can get us all back. Keith: Mmm, I don’t seem to have any coverage on my mobile. Guys can any of you make calls?! Captain Janeway: Status? All: Nooooo!! Brian: Hang on a second, I have a-cough, cough, cough… Wubba: Shwatup mowan! Ace: From the get-go, this was pre-planned very well. Floyd: We’re like, stranded in the Bermuda triangle or something dudes. Keith: For the love of science Dick, how could this happen! Dick: Dunno Professor, I got the bus off a very good friend of mine; Spike, n’ he told me this baby was in the best of nick. There’s an awful stink coming off her tho’. Ah that’s it… it looks like the big end has gone! This lump of junk isn’t going any further tonight. Hold on! What’s that under the engine? Strike alight it’s Spike’s damn cat! He must go asleep under the engine, well he’s made a right mess now. Stink of burnin’ fur! Ace: Oh Jay-zee, I’m going to hurl. Tash: Oh my God, that poor fuss fuss. Dick: We’ll have to hold fire, try and flag down the next thing that passes. Unfortunately for us it’s quare’n’late n’we’re halfway up the Aughavalley pass and I haven’t seen a thing on this road since we got on it! Floyd: I say we go explore! There’s bound to be someone living around here somewhere. And it’s going to be getting dark soon too. Ace: There goes the Neolithic sunset Mr Keith. Bummer! Keith: No, no, we stay here with the bus. Sinead: C’mon Dad where’s your sense of adventure! Clare: Don’t be so stupid Sinead, haven’t you seen the Blair Witch Project? Keith: I lost my sense of adventure along with having any semblance of my own life after you two came along. Dick: There is a Village tho’. I’d say from here it’s a couple of miles due east. But we’d have to trek through that aul’ forest over there. Ace: No way man, Deliverance freaked me out. Wubba: It’s dwa willage ow dw’dwammned. Sinead: You’re not gonna meet anything scarier in those woods than yourself Ace. You should take some time outta your bedroom from watchin’ weirdo movies. Brian: Yeah. Keith: We’ll stay here. Perhaps I can lecture you on the Neolithic tombs while we’re waiting and help pass the time. Floyd: I say we take a vote, majority rules. Keith: We are on an official school excursion here. That means I am the person in authority here and am telling you all we’re staying put! Sinead/Clare: Daaaad! Keith: Richard Dawkins give me strength! Right, so we vote then… Floyd: Woaho! Okay then. Brian: (Searching in his voluminous bag) it’s in here somewhere… Ace: Seriously Bubbles. Do you need all that crap? This is only a night-time day trip… Keith: All in favour of the totally insane option of wandering into the woods in the middle of the night; raise your hands? Brian: Hihihiheee. Floyd: That settles it to the woods we go! Dick: I’ll grab some torches and stuff. Floyd: Got any Rizlas in there? Dick: Ok, you don’t wanna look in there… Keith: Remind me to commit myself to an asylum on our return to civilisation. Floyd: Hey guys this isn’t so bad, I can spark one up on the way through. Brian: How far up in the hills are we? The air seems very thin. (Wheeze). Tash: We are in fact two metres below sea level because it is a valley you wheezing bagpuss! Brian: Wheeze! Tash: A valleeee Brian, a valleeee! Brian: Whatcha sayin’? Tash: GLACIATION! (Echoes around the valley) Norman Tash’s indignant bellow rebounds throughout the Aughavalley Pass, making its way up the nether reaches of the Ballygannorn Woods… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.