George: Ace, full of that loveable self-importance, leaves the destroyed Tash and Floyd’s hash, and heads feet first in search of a ‘chipperses’! Professor Keith’s youngest daughter and sophomore, Sinead, springs to her feet to follow him. Ace: So… Sinead, were you totally looking for your family to disown you? Or do you enjoy sadistically torturing the Professor. Now, first we had the whole auction episode now humiliation in front of his students. Jeez, I nearly feel sorry for him. Sinead:Riiight, well, the auction was kind of silly I admit. But, uh, you don’t know the pressures girls my age have from their peers Ace. I didn’t want to be the last girl to have sex! Ace: Shyeah! But selling it for a nice juicy wad of Euros that’s a totally different story! Sinead: OK, um, maybe the real reason was to get at my Da. Ace: That I can understand, I can only imagine how tough it is to live under his regime. Then again behind closed doors maybe he’s just a big old cuddly teddy bear. Sinead: Yeah, and maybe I’m only bullshitting you coz that’s what guys like you want to hear, the vulnerable teenager story of peer pressure and daddy pain. Ace: What? I- Sinead: Makes you feel dominant, yeah, oh Dad, you don’t tuck me in anymore, no no, get out of my ass you big back door daddy! Ace: Oh-my-god. Sinead: Listen Ace, the ‘Professor’ is a good father, he only wants what’s best for us. Unfortunately he is overprotective and sometimes I find I can’t breathe. Don’t we all. Deal with it. Ace: I, eh. Wow. Em. That was unexpected. And strangely exciting. I’m, eh, eh, so… you just wanted to show him you’re a... Still, that was a totally insane stunt. Cough! Did you even fancy Bubbles? Sinead: Bubbles is kinda cute in his own way. Although the whole Candy Girl thing was weird on so many different levels. Ace: Ha ha, yeah, funny in the whole use of a cheesy old pop record in an inappropriate situation kinda way. Personally I’d like to use Glen Medeiros’s “Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You” as the soundtrack to my virginity loss. Sinead: You…you’re a Virgin? Ace: No, no, no. I mean to say I would like to have used it. When it happened…ages ago… Sinead: Oh yeah? Tell me about your first time. Ace: Hey, did you hear that? Something rustling in the trees. Floyd! Did you follow us? I knew you couldn’t resist an adventure man! Floyd?! (Silence) Sinead: Ah sweet. Floyd wants to protect me too. Ace: Eh, kaay, there’s nobody there, probably a deer or something. Sinead: So Yogi, y’think we have far to walk? Ace: C’mon, we’re not exactly in the wilds here, we can’t be more than 10 minutes away from the village. C’mon, follow me Boo Boo. George: Back in the shack and with Tash nursing a mangled ankle, Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury is in no mood to let the grass grow under his feet. Tash: Oooh, oooh, does anyone have painkillers around their person? Keith: Come now Mr Tash grit your teeth and bear up. Show the pupils the fortitude of their tutor. Tash: Listen, it’s not the pain that bothers me Professor, I find it quite exhilarating actually, but I do not wish to be exhilarated in front of the pupils. Floyd: Tash is one kinky SOB eh, Bubbles? Brian: I’m worried about Ace and Sinead. Floyd: I know what you’re worried about, Ace getting himself a free ride… Brian: Whatcha mean a free ride? I have to follow them. Floyd: Ok dude, but it is cold n’ wet out there, at least it’s dry in here. Why don’t you stick around? I’m gonna roll us a fat one. Now a couple of licks, followed by the two fingered shuffle, wh-where’s the roach? Where’s the roach? Brian: Wow Floyd you make that look so easy. Floyd: Years of practice and voila a super dupey doobie! Wubba: How’w’yis doin’ lwads? Floyd: Hey O’Toole. Is it a coincidence you have joined us here or are you hoping for some free weed? Wubba: Thwanks mate, is this cwazy stuff? I love it, I do it all the time. (Inhales) Floyd: Mmm the way your lips flop n’ dangle so I shall dub thee ‘Wubba lips’. Have a toke Wubba. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. Brian: You & Wubba here get wasted, I’m cowboying up & going to find Sinead. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. (fart) Mowan… Brian: What you say? Wubba: Whah? Floyd: Good luck man, see ya later! Hey Mr Tash, pull up yer leg n’ tell us more about them Neon-lithic tombs. Tash: Oh well, they date back over 5,000 years. They pre-date Stonehenge & the Pyramids you know. Floyd: Before the ‘henge? Wow, this is like spiritual. Keith: Is Bubbles following the others? Floyd: Yeah he figures they could do with his manly protection. Heh, ooh, (sneezes) excuse me. Ah, it’s getting cold in here. Uah, muh. Dick: Well, gather around the fire I’ve made for yis here, Bubbles may not have been so quick to wonder out in to the dark woods if he had heard some of my horrible stories of those accursed BUNSENS! Wubba: Whah? Aw, bwursta on boss. Tash: My left foot I fear may have to be amputated. Dick: There was a boy that went missing, then he reappeared. Busher was his name. When they found him, his feet had been abused for months… Floyd: (Inhales) George: Dick begins to spin a yarn. Ace and Sinead walk their feet off on way to Killmacow down in Dangly Bell. Sinead: You said ten minutes. Ace: Chillax my pigeon sense is telling me there’s not too far to go. (Sound of a tree whack in the distance and a curse) Sinead: Oh my god what was that? Ace: F-Floyd? Sinead: That was no deer. Ace: OK you stay here I’m gonna take a look, plus I need a whizz. I drank too much Dr Pepper on the bus. Sinead: Be careful… I mean don’t get yourself killed idiot, I don’t have a pigeon sense. Pigeon sense? What am I saying… Ace: It’s kinda like a Spider-sense but it’s what a pigeon might have. Sinead: Like pigeon-man has? Ace: Ugnh yeah, anybody there? Hey Pigeon-man, that’s not a bad idea, I might pitch that too…AAAAAAGH! (Bash over the head) Sinead: ACE! Ohmigod ohmigod. Ace! Ace! Ah! Don’t panic! Bashed over the head and dragged off into the woods! Don’t panic Sinead… you will be fine. But he won’t! ACE!!!! George: Bashed over the head? Good gubbins! Foul shenanigans are at foot! What shall come of Ace and his pigeon sense now? Back to Dick telling a tale about a boy named Busher… Dick: Are yis all sitting comfortably? Then Dick shall begin. Floyd? O’Toole? Yis wanna listen? Floyd: They got this cool late night music show, and I try to tune it in on the TV in my bedroom, but it’s like I’m watching it in a haze, heheh, and I swear, it’s not just the shit! Wubba: The signal is weak. You haveta get a boosta. Floyd: A boosta? Wubba: Yeah the electwical current amplifies the wadio signal and you get a cleawa picture. Floyd: A boosta? Like a boosta bar? Remember those chocolate bars? Hee hee hee! Wubba: Yeah a boosta baw. Hee hee hee! Or a boosta wocket! Or a boosta injection! Haa ha haa! Boosta! (farts). Haw haw, stoppa! Floyd: Ha ha ha ha! Put a boosta on it! Haw ha ha! Roosta Boosta! Ma –haw Wubba: Stoppa! Dick: Meh. Their loss. Anyway, years ago this forest was home to a notorious family in these parts. The Bunsens… Cornelius, Concobhar & Silas Bunsen. Bachelors all. Living alone and in seclusion, they rarely entertained visitors. They would spread cream crackers ahind the doorway so they would be awoken by a crunch in the night if any intruders had crossed their threshold. Concobahr fond of his shovel, Cornelius; his great grandfather’s piano yet Silas Bunsen would only head into Killmacow to one of the local pubs to take a drink. But he kept mostly to himself. It was clear to everyone he was fightin’ the demons. Unfortunately the reason for the Bunsen name entering infamy was that the teenage boys of Killmacow had begun to mysteriously… disappear! Floyd: Sorry Dick dude, this story is, like, really intense. Can you rewind a bit to the beginning maybe? Just, yeah, who’s this ‘Busher’ guy? UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.