George: Good Lord. This has the makings of a macabre melee as Cornelius Bunsen lets fly his rotten feet in anger. With Clare, Wubba and Floyd in the closet, and Dick out the window, it’s now up to Sinead and Bubbles to come out and find their feet! Sinead: Do you hear it Bubbles? Brian: Hah? I hear nothin’ ‘cept me lungs. (Farts), and that. Sorry. Sinead: Hold it in will ya? Brian: Heheh, better in than out. What am I going to eat here? And where’s Ace anyway? Sinead: Eh, actually, I don’t know. Brian: Wha? I thought youse toe went out to be… be… Sinead: Be what? Ace was- Brian: Ah fuck yeah! That’s where it was, I was looking for that all evening! Sinead: Bubbles I’m trying to tell y- what ARE you doing? Brian: Me GPS! I was searchin’ in me big bag for it, couldn’t find it and it was in me Hunter sweatshirt secret pocket all along. Sinead: Secret pocket yeh? WOWEE! Can we focus on the, eh, strange sounds and why Ace isn’t here? Brian: But we can find out where we are, which is more important! Sinead: I know where I am Bubbles. I’m fucking lost. Brian: Shh. I’ll find out where we really are and I’ll find a way out of this forest. GPS: (Activation sound). Welcome He-Man. Where do you want right now? Sinead: What the f- GPS: There is a licensed vendor of Chocolate Chuzzler Bars 5.7 kilometres from your current location. You usually go there each day at 6pm and you have not done so today. Directions are north 3 km, north west .8 km, then east 1.9 km. Brian: Hihihihih. Yeah. Sinead: Chuzzlers Bars ay? I predict a diet… Brian: What you say? Sinead: Nothing. What does your, your thing find, where are we? Brian: Did you call me fat? Sinead: Bubbles, are we going to stand here all night? Or are we- Brian: Nobody calls me fat. Sinead: I never said you were fat. Brian: I’m not fuckin’ fat RIGHT? (Bird bleats) Sinead: Listen, I never said you were fat Bubbles, Brian: Well you’ve no arse anyway. Sinead: Excuse me? Brian: Yeah. Sinead: What? Like, did I lose it or something? Brian: Must of fell off when I rode it off yeh anyway! Sinead: You fat fucker! Brian: See! See! Fuck you! I’m a size TEN anyway. Sinead: Last time you were a ten is when you were fucking ten! Brian: Mnn Mnn, well, well, I’ve seen more meat on your tampon! Sinead: Urgh! You are a sick little gobshite! Brian: Ah, I’m goin’ for a gocky! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. (Sound of thrashing in the undergrowth) Sinead: Bubbles! Did you hear that? Brian: All I hear is a stupid bit- GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. Sinead: Turn that off Bubbles, seriously, I heard something. Brian: Sure you did, feel sorry now dontcha, want to play the weak witch. (Thrashing of bushes and a call of the wild echoing across the forest) Brian: Jesis. You were right. Eh-eh hello? Who’s there? Sinead: Bubbles there! There, there, behind that bush, oh my god…. Brian: ‘Scuse me, eh, em, is there someone there? You need to help us. Our, our coach broke down… Concobhar: (Distant) Ah fuck yis, can’t have a fuckin’ shite in peace… (Suddenly the figure runs away crashing through the undergrowth, Sinead screams) Brian: C’mon! Sinead: What are you doing Bubbles? Brian: We gotta follow him, he may know the way out of this forest. (Sneezes, gasp) He’s not going very fast. He’s running awkward like. Aw, I hope I still have my asthma bottle with me or I may die and you’ll have to bury me here. Sinead: Maybe that’s the guy who took Ace. Brian: Ah yeah, forgot about him. Sinead: Oh my god poor Ace, I hope he’s okay. What possible reason would some guy have to hit him over the head & drag him off- Brian: Ace got hit over the head? I dunno. Have you ever see Deliverance? Sinead: My god, Ace said that earlier, and, my god again, I taunted him, maybe there’s more of them, maybe we’re following them straight into a trap. Bubbles? Bubbles?! Brian: Sorry I just felt extra sweaty down my left leg… C’mon! (Sound of running into distance) GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm. Brian: (Distant) (Sneezes) Floyd: Uh-oh… Sounds like it’s getting freaky-do-serious. As much as I’d love to nestle up to your warmly bits Clare, we need to get out of here. Clare: Duu-uuh. Wubba: Gimme your earwings Cwaire! Clare: Get off me O’Toole! You smell. Wubba: Have you a pwoblem wit yo nose? Always smellin’ stuff! Like a dog! Keith: I’m sorry Norman. I have to. Tash: Mnnnnn. I cannot look. Cornelius Bunsen: I need you to take them off him. Tash: AAAAGH. Keith: Awww, the sock is full of blood. Tash: Ahhhhhh, yyhisssss, Jesus wept. Cornelius Bunsen: (excited) Now do it! Take it off! Wubba: The earwings Cwaire! The earwings! Clare: No! Wubba: I saw it on McGuywer. I can pick a lock. Floyd: The earwings? Ah earrings! Eh the earwing- the earrings are too small Wubba. Wubba: Then her belt, I’ll use d’hook. Clare: You are a dirty bastard. Wubba: It wowks! I sweawa! Take it off now! Cornelius Bunsen: Take it off now! Keith: The sock? Why? Are you completely insane? Cornelius Bunsen: Take it off! Tash: Oh for the love of all that is good in this world… Cornelius Bunsen: Rub it. I want to see you rub it. Now! Hard. Keith: Sorry Norman. Tash: Argghghgh! Huah! Huah! Argghgh! Keith: Uh god, mnnnn, mnnnn. Cornelius Bunsen: Harder. Yes! Harder! Clare: Okay, here, you’re like a nervous child. Floyd: O’Toole always looks like that, like an excitable new family dog or something. That right Wubba? Wubba: If I take the bwuckle ova the belt, I can use the- Clare: Hey! Careful with that belt! I bought that at Funderland. Floyd: Babe, you’re so dated, I love it. Wubba: Remove d’hook. Bend it a bit. Then slide her in the hole, tweak it, tweak it, keep it steady. Come on ya bitch. Come on. Clare: MacGyver never said the word ‘bitch’. Wubba: Come on, MacGuyver, ya fuckin’ cunt. Ya wubbery bwastud… Awkwad wubbery hooa. Floyd: Hey, your hair smells like Rancheros. Clare: What? What the fuck are Rancheros? Wubba: Stop the jwigglin’, I nearly dwapped it. One more second, one more second. Floyd: Kinda like what your hair smells like. Nice I mean, Rancheros, yeah, huhuh, I got the munchies so bad. Wubba: Aw me toe! I’m stawvin’. Clare: What are Rancheros! Tell me! (Click of Wardrobe opening) Floyd: Yeah! Go Wubba! Wubba: I am the lock pickin’ wawdwobe mastah. Kiss my feet! Cornelius Bunsen: Kiss his feet! Floyd: Woah. Stereo, Clare: What are they doing? Wubba: Best be ignorant and get lost. Clare: I can’t leave Daddy! Floyd: You will when your 18 and up the duff, c’mon! We need to get the munchies, I mean, get help! Clare: I-I-I… Wubba: Lwet the men make the dewisions baby, get the skates on!       Keith: You are a sick man. A sick depraved man. Floyd: GO! Tash: Just do it Chisel! Cornelius Bunsen: Do it! (Sound of the three exiting the shack with Keith crying upstairs and Tash nervously in pain yet aroused) Keith: Nyaah! No! You have forsaken me! George: Keith and Tash make sweet toe jam together as Cornelius puts his feet up and watches in cadaverous wonderment. To the backwoods now, where the wild things are. (Dick running fast) Dick: Nnnn! Nnnn, Nnnn! By Pat Kenny’s smooth acre! I’d never thought I’d see the day. The Bunsens! Nnnnn. Couldn’t handle it Dick, had to run away. Leave ‘em all behind. Where’s the neck now Soup, where’s the neck now?! Stand in line. Say your prayers, kneel at the Bishop’s socks. Say nathin’, close your eyes! Leave it all behind! His hand on me arm. No! Run away! Get away! Daddy! No one can save me, and you taken away by Duggan’s bog. I have the want in me. I need it. I need the… eh?  Hang on, what’s this now? GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: Demon! Get back! I’ll burst ya! I’ve done more for less! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: By the cross of the lord, take thy foul stench of devilry away! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: The forest… Talks to me... Pay attention Dick! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: It’s in a foreign language. Wait, looka. It’s in a box! Plastic! With a back-lit liquid crystal display. Don’t touch it Dick, it could be a trap! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: You make no sense! Shut up! Have t’piss on ya. You asked for it tho’. Speakin’ shite. Too much Tuborg today. (Zip, piss) Dick: There y’are, (Squeaker fart) that shook ya! GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        Dick: It’s immune! No effect. I can’t take it. Voices. Stoppit. I craaaave her bosom. I need a drink, fuck them all! I know Morgan’s is closed but the Corner House’ll be open. See Mick the Bruiser. I have to. I’m sorry. Killmacow up the road. I, I, I, have the WANT IN ME!!!! AHHHHHHH! (Runs off into the distance crying and roaring) GPS: Time to take your super strength medicine. It is 11pm.        UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.