George: With childish abandon and druggery, the trio spring to their feet and head forth. But to where? And how will they know when they get there? Ah, nevermind. You see dear listener it’s high time we dive in with both feet… Back! Back into Bunsenland; Ace: (Groggy). Bunsen: I’ll burst you Busher if you don’t shut up. This is my house. Now back to business… hello Bourney, sorry about that now, where was I… Ace: Eh, yeah, it’s it’s still Ace and maybe if you want to include me in your strategic staircase there, then we could help frame the conversation? Busher: Sh’up. You’re talkin’ shite! Bunsen: Bushooor! Rooooll the socks over the ankles… Ace: (struggling)… hey! Hey! Listen, listen, all I’m saying is that my door is in fact open to your issues. And you, Busher is it? Busher: Hah? Ace: Yeah, heh, strange question I know but, ooh that, that tickles! … what, eh, what happened to your feet? Busher: Stop lookin’ at me! Phwizzzz! Peyaaah! Maammy! Fuck this, I’m going to find Concobhar and Cornelius. (Busher and his stumps hobble out the door) Ace: Heh, soooo, guess somebody was ‘on the beer’ last night mmm? Tell me about him. Hard life? Wrong path? Bad choices? Go on, lash on the kettle and make that tea you wanted. Tell me about it… Bunsen: He was in an accident. Such pretty feet. Now, I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Aah! Hang on man, go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem, challenge, a problem… challenge… Uh, uaaah! Bunsen: You won’t let me down Burney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoooooe…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on!  You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool! I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time, yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Suddenly! Being dragged in by their feet are; Ace: Oh thank god for- Sinead: Arggh! Stop it. Busher: Look what I found Bunsen. Ace: Aw crap. Sinead: Ace! Concobhar: Get in there yis scoundrels! Brian: (falls) mmmeh… Ace: Yeah, hi. How are you doing today? Brian: Mmnmuh… Bunsen: Busher! Busher! Tie them up together in the back room. Sinead: No, wait, wait, get your- stop it! Concobhar: She has the want in her this one! Just like you did Busher! Busher: Fuck off! C’mere you! Brian: (Inhaler falls across the floor) ah, ah, me asthma bottle, wait, don’t, can I just get that- Busher: Stop pushin’! (Sounds of Sinead and Bubbles being brought into the back and the door locked) Brian: Ace?! Ace: Well that just shifted the paradigm, so where are we at now? Hey my feet are kind of cold, could you put my socks back on? Busher: Right, there might be more out there, so I’ll go take a look. Bunsen: Take Concobhar with you. Busher: Ah, he wrecks my head! Bunsen: Just do it Busher! Concobhar, here! Here! Concobhar: Ah fuck it. They’re as lively as a roasted squirrel. Busher: Stop gropin’ at yourself and c’mon will ya! P-p-ppeah move! Concobhar: Ah, yep, right now. C’mon so. See yis later. Good luck now. Ah, ah, the bad head on me… aww curse a god on it… (Door opens and closes) Brian: (Breathing heavy) This is all your fault. Sinead: Excuse me? Brian: If you hadn’t gone online with your virginity! Sinead: What? Brian: Then I wouldn’t have seen it and wanted it! Sinead: Oh my god Bubbles… Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have won it and then- Sinead: Stop it Bubbles. Brian: And then I wouldn’t have diddled you! Sinead: Bubbles! Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have wanted to take you in the forest and… Sinead: Shut up! Brian: Did you like it? Sinead: Just shut up! Brian: Did ya? Did ya? Did ya fuck Tash too after? Sinead: I can’t believe- Brian: Did he find ‘penetration’ too? Sinead: SHUT UP BUBBLES! Brian: Now I’m going to die and it’s all your fault! (Starts to cry). Ace: Hey Bunsen. More people more problems. Let us all go. You’re getting cold feet! Yeah COLD FEET, like mine, heheheheh-AHHHH! Bunsen: I love your toes (cracks, sucks and licks). I’ll warm up your cold feet! Ace: Me feet! Bunsen: I love the taste as it hits my tongue, mmm… Ace: (panic) Aw… aw, not-a-problem-not-a-problem-nn-n-I’m going to spew… awwww. Bunsen: I could suck on them all day, mmm, perfect shape… clean and cut… mmm. Aaaammm… smooth talons… Are you warm yet? Ace: (high pitch) aaaa, uuhhh, in… his… mouth… Uuurhg… Bunsen: Warmer? Warmer? Mmm… Mmm… The big one is so sweet Bourney… Yyou must be hot now… so hot… I love you Bourney. Ace: Fuuuuuckckk…                     Bunsen: Oh Bourney, mlam, Busher, mmm, Bourney. Love your toes Bourney. Ahlam, lam! George: Feet Feet Feet Feet Feet FEET! How many foot is that? I’ve got a two foot cock, what do you think about that? MM? Oh, let’s see what Clare, Floyd and Wubba are doing… Clare: Keep up you two, we can’t afford to stop. Okay, the GPS shows that, here’s something just down this valley. Floyd: Be careful there Ranchero, it’s a bit dark under this heavy canopy. Wubba: I thwink I have a she-mickey. Floyd: Dude? Wubba: Yeah, yunno, the little swimmas that cause the bitches. Floyd: Like, ‘love juice’, you mean? Wubba: Spot on boss. Floyd: Eh, you can cause both sexes my man. It’s a 50-50 thing. Wubba: No, mostly cause the bitches. All my family except for the men, are women. I’m the only lad since my father to be born without a flanger. And my Daddy had to take pills as the five ones he fathered before me, came out smooth. Floyd: You’ve five sisters? All with the same lips? Wubba: Yeah, they’re all related to Pam looka! Ha ha ha ha! Floyd: High five you sick amigo heh heh heh. Wubba: ‘Ere tell me Fwoyd, would ya do ‘er? Huh huh? Tell me. Floyd: Who, Clare? Wubba: Would ya do ‘er? Yeah, yeah? Would ya, would ya? Floyd: I tell ya, enough trouble so far with that family. Wubba: I heard about the wucus alwight, what was it? Floyd: You know all about it? Wubba: I hear about it. I dunno what to thwink about it tho’, wha do you thwink about it Fwoyd? Floyd: Well, her sister Sinead auctioned her virginity online, and we, like Ace, me and Finny from the bar bought it, and gave her to Bubbles to get his first ridin’ medals. Very altruistic. Wubba: I heard Sinead makes a noise like she’s biting her fist when she comes. Floyd: Woah, really? Wubba: Yeah, did Bubbles tell you that? Floyd: Eh… Wubba: Didn’t she make that noise with him? Floyd: Eh, he, he may have been ‘interrupted’. Wubba: ‘Intewupted’? What happened boss? (Clare screams) Floyd: Clare! Wubba: She probably fell, she’s alright. Why d’j’thwink he was intewupted boss? Floyd: Clare! Are, are you ok? Busher: USER! PHWIZZZ! PEAH! Floyd: Woah! A scarecrow! Busher: C’mere you! Wubba: Is he standin’ in a hole? Floyd: It’s Wurzel Gummidge! Busher: Stop-stoppit! Clare: Get off me! Concobhar: Akkshshskh, I’d advise yis not to run, I’ll fuckin’ only fuckin’ have to chase yis. Busher: PEAH! MOVE! Floyd: Yeah, sure, sure! Just don’t hurt the lady there banana fingers, you gonna make sandwiches? I’m starving! Wubba: I’d take a bit o’ tea and twoast too boss if it’s on offa? Busher: Concobhar! Put the bags over their heads! Peah! PEAH! Stoppit, STOPPIT! Concobhar: Ahhkkkhkhh, lights out! Lights out! Akgkgkhkkgkkkkhhh! (Floyd, Clare, Wubba muffled under sack cloth) Concobhar: Haha fuckin’ see nothin’, I’ll fuckin’ ate your feet now. George: Concobhar Bunsen bags himself another six feet as he and Busher haul their three hooded victims to the king of the feet-seekers back at Bunsen residence… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.