George: Dick is trampled underfoot as the Bunsens and Busher tie him down to await his stinkin’ fate. But Busher has seen something familiar in Dick. What is it? Tell us Busher! Busher: Back to those gorgeous feet now. Which pair will I pick? Mmm Bourney. So smooth, so milky white. Ace: You said something there Busher. You said you know Dick. Busher: I know nartin’ right! Ace: I heard you, you said you knew him. How do you know him? Busher: Not tellin’ ya right?! Bunsen: Busher? Ace: Tell us, go on, you know Dick! Floyd: Tell us. Dick: Who knows who? Hah? Busher: Ah, can’t lie like the LIARS! Yeah, ok, I know your Dick. I know your Dick well. I used to go to UCLS. He was my friend, peah, he was the only one that gave me the time of day, peah. When I was growing up one of the most famous bands of the time was A-ha. I used to dress like their lead singer Morten Harket. Clare: Mm? Mmm? Mmnng? Ace: Yes, I’ve heard of them, I’ve seen a parody of their “Take On Me” video on an episode of “Family Guy.” Feel good tune. Busher: Yeah, I loved it. Peeyeah! B-but when I used to come to school in my leather laces, torn denim, & quiffed hair, the others used to bully me. Call me a queer! Say I wore a nappy! Ace: To keep your Mammy happy? Busher: WHA? Ace: Ooow my little piggy toe. Oh, no sorry dude, just the ad, reciting the ad. It popped into my brain. But-but Dick, how did he help you? Busher: Dick befriended me. Helped me, peh, he was the only one who gave me the time of day. He told me not to listen to the other lads and just be myself, in the end that’s what gets you real respect. Nobody knows the real Busher! Only Dick understood me Bourney. After school I used to help him clean up the boys shower block. He invited me into his world and he made me feel as if I was wanted, for the very first time. I found out from here, where all the spy holes into the changing room were. Sometimes we’d look through them after PE and laugh at them. Ace: What the hell happened then? Why are you here? Busher: I left school early, and got a job as an assistant at the morgue. Bunsen befriended me and eventually trapped me here in this house. I got away. But I just had to go back. I loved it. I loved havin’ my feet loved. I can’t describe it Bourney, it was the best and the worst feeling I ever had. Bunsen: Shuttup Busher! Shut up Busher! Ace: Dick was your friend, he’s our friend too! Look what they are doing to him; you know it’s not right. Get out of here, change your life. Maybe Dick could get you a job at the school, I know he would help you, he’s, he’s a good man. Maybe we could be your friends too. Except Bubbles… You don’t want to be his friend. Busher: Jeezus Bourney, your right! Fuck! I’ve been in a fog the last fifteen years! Fuck! I’m thirty five years of age I need to wake up and cop on! Concobhar: Mmm, Dick’s feet are ripe. Never have I smelt such a well-aged cheddar. My tongue could spend ages cleaning underneath those talons. And the curvature, so, so twisted and bumpy! Obviously the result of many years of wearing ill-fittin’ shoes I’d say, hohohohhh… Dick: Ge-huh, get off me you sick depraved fuckers. I’ll ram me big toe up your nostril. You sickos took that poor Busher kid, he was the like the best son I never had. Busher: Peagh! Say nothin’ Bourney, keep it a secret! I’m going to untie you. Busher’s copped on now. Ace: Okay, distract the brothers Grimm & I’ll untie the others. Concobhar: Corns, callouses, bunions. Hard cracked skin. Aw, tong thick hairs. Dick’s feet have obviously led a hard working life and have been seriously neglected. Aw beautiful! Those feet speak to us of a life of hardship. Ahkshshs! I-I want to cry… I want to cry Mammy, I want to cry. Dick: Curse of the seven fucks be on yis! Stop your inhuman torture of me feets’s. Bunsen: Busher! Busher: Bunsen, pass me one of the hospital hack saws! Bunsen: You want to take a prize souvenir? But he is not a lifeless corpse on a slab Busher. Busher: I know this one, he did me wrong. PASS ME THE SAW! Peah! Dick: Young Busher? Soft lad! Is that you? Why are you back here? I thought you escaped. ‘Ere, wh-what are you doing with the saw? Jeezus lad! NO! Concobhar: Hee-hee-hee, Bunsen: Yes, yes Busher, you. You are the one who has it in you. Finally, the new Cornelius! Clare: Mm! Mmmng! Dick: Aaargh ha ha! Goodbye Bibi Baskin, I would give anything to love you one last time in the shed…. Bunsen: Take the blade to his ankle, cut the flesh. Floyd: Er, look, look who just got free. Ace: (Whistle) Concobhar: Silas! Brudder! They’re all fuckin’ standing there untied and united. What we do Silas? Bunsen: Run. Busher: Peeagh, you’re not getting past me and this little saw. How about I take away YOUR toes! Ace: Go Morten Busher! The SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV! Floyd: Okay Wubba, you hit ‘em high and I’ll hit ‘em low. Wubba: I’ll give him a wight hook and he’ll be weeling around the floor cwyin’ faw his Mammy. Brian: Yeah & then you can tag me & I’ll drop a clothes line on him. Floyd: Hasn’t He-Man started or something? Brian: Floyd! Floyd! He-Man is in here! I AM HE-MAN! Sinead: We’re in here! We’re in here! Claire! Concobhar: No stop. Get your hands off us, we’re so sorry! Ah me bad head. We’ll let you go if you don’t hurt us. Please, sure yis’s, we have done nothing and anything wrong. Bunsen: And… so… it ends. Ace: Clare, get your sister outside, we’ll-ow! Ah! Ooh! Mmm! Sinead: Oh, hi Ace, thank god! What’s wrong? Ace: I stepped on a thumb tack. Brian: (Singing He-man tune) De-de-de-dee… I’ll take yis all! Floyd: Throw me some rope Ace dude, let’s tie up this Conkeybar. He’s a strong fucker. Dick: Thank Jaysus Busher I thought you were gonna chop me foot off. Busher: That’s not me anymore Dick, I’ve changed. Ace: Fuck this I’m putting me trainers back on. Wubba: Nnnagh, thawts Bunsen tied up good awnd tight. What now Fwoyd, how ah we gonna get out of heya? Busher: They have a digger outside outside, Bunsen was doin’ a bit of work. Bunsen: Hey! Busher! Busher! Y’d betray a dog Busher! Burney! Burney! I love you Burney! I only wanted your feet! It’s not a crime! I need yooooo!! Concobhar: Ah shuttup Silas, we’s done with it. CSI Ritchie’ll give us what fuckin’ for now hah? Floyd: Cool the keys are in it. Brian: Well seein’ as I’m the only one here with a license I’ll drive. Ace: Yeah as if the law is going to be interested in a license, when you’re driving a digger with eight people hanging out of it in the woods in the middle of the night. Brian: Fuck off Ace. At least I drove something in recent history. Floyd: He-hee! Yeah, like Sinead! All Ace has been doin’ is drivin’ the pillow looking at Lois Lane or something. Wubba: Go on Bubbles give her the holly. (Bubbles fires up the digger) Brian: Woo hoo! Ace: Yeah woo hoo, we’re goin’ 10 miles an hour. Oh well I suppose it’s still faster than Bubbles’s Vespa. Sinead: Boys, boys, boys I do believe the smell of testosterone has become more overpowering than the smell of Wubba’s feet. Dick: What shade of a gobshite put’s a furry dice on a JCB? Clare: Okay guys according to the GPS if we follow the road up here to the left it should bring us out on the N12 where the coach is. Brian: Aw, yeah! Me GPS! That GPS is fierce handy. It’s lucky I brought it. Ace: You’re a regular boy-scout man. Floyd: This is going to take forever. Is everyone OK back there? Hang on tight we don’t want to lose anyone. Clare: I’m freezing. Floyd: How about I warm you up Ice Queen? Clare: Just give me my glasses back. Wubba: Fwoyd your such a dawg! Clare: Don’t forget I’ve seen those feet of yours so if there was ever a chance before, there ain’t now. Floyd: Hey babe. I always leave my socks on anyway. Brian: Wooah, hang on we’re going down a bit of a hill guys. Wubba: Look there’s the woad! (Meanwhile on the road at the coach) Keith: This has truly been a Diem Horribilis. I fear I shall be kept awake for many years to come haunted by these events. Tash: We must never breathe a word, of what really happened, to anyone. Keith: I don’t believe it Norman. I see headlights coming towards us, it’s a, it’s a police car! We’re saved! Tash: Oh thank the lord. Garda: Is everything alright gentlemen? Can you tell me why you have your coach parked in the middle of the road? Garda Radio: (Roger that, Bunsen residence. CSI Ritchie is on the way up) Keith: Thank god it’s you officer. We were on a school trip & we broke down… Garda: One moment. Garda Radio: (Will it be A Double Bacon Cheese Burger with Fries Ritchie?) Garda: What’s that noise? Garda Radio: (Ritchie, come in Ritchie?) Tash: Lights Professor Keith, look! Coming from the trees. Keith: What is that? Garda Radio: (Answer the fuckin’ radio Ritchie you’re not in Bosnia now!) UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.