Unfertile & Unfiltered

In this episode, we sit down with Jana Rupnow, licensed professional counselor, author of Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child, and therapist specializing in infertility, donor conception, adoption, and non-biological family building.

We talk about some of the questions we’ve had as we prepare to raise a donor-conceived child, from the grief that can resurface for the non-biological parent to how and when to talk to your child about their conception story.

Jana shares why openness from an early age matters, how parents can make donor conception an ongoing conversation without making it their child’s entire identity, and why parents sometimes need to bring up the topic even when their child isn’t asking questions. We also talk about navigating donor information, family members who may not understand your decision, known donors, and how parents can work through their own emotions so their child has room to process theirs.

We also get into the grief that can come with donor conception and the reality that moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean those feelings are gone. Jana explains why this can be a complex grieving process and why working through it matters for both the parents and the child.

If you’re considering donor conception, currently pregnant with a donor-conceived child, or already raising donor-conceived children, this episode offers a practical look at how to approach the conversations that come with building a family this way.

Resources from Jana:

Three Makes Baby: How to Parent Your Donor-Conceived Child
https://amzn.to/4rIFUvI

Three Makes Baby Workbook
https://amzn.to/4rCL0cJ

Courses, resources and more from Jana Rupnow:
https://www.janarupnowtherapy.com/default.php

We’re pregnant. After a year of male factor infertility and deciding to move forward with donor sperm, our first IUI worked.

But a positive pregnancy test brought up emotions neither of us fully expected.

In this episode, Matt opens up about what it feels like to find out your wife is pregnant with a donor-conceived child—the excitement of finally getting to become a dad alongside the grief of knowing he won’t be the biological father.

We talk about why congratulations suddenly felt complicated, the moment donor conception stopped being hypothetical and became our reality, and why grief doesn’t disappear just because treatment worked.

We also get into Sidney’s failed attempt to surprise Matt with the pregnancy, what we wish we had understood about each other going into that moment, and how differently we’ve each processed this transition.

This episode is an honest conversation about something we don’t hear talked about enough: what donor conception can feel like for the dad—and how gratitude, excitement, grief, and loss can all exist at the same time.

We’re officially in the two-week wait after our first IUI with donor sperm—and by the time you’re listening to this, we may or may not know if it worked.

In this episode of Unfertile & Unfiltered, we recap what our IUI actually looked like, from thawing the donor sperm and the insemination itself to progesterone, symptoms, spotting, and all the overthinking that comes with waiting for a pregnancy test.

We also talk about how surprisingly different this two-week wait has felt compared to where we were a year ago. After a year of male-factor infertility, azoospermia, fertility treatments, and eventually choosing donor sperm, there’s a little less desperation to control the outcome—and a lot more acceptance that we’ll be okay even if we get our hearts broken again.

Plus, we talk about whether we actually think Sidney is pregnant, how infertility changes the experience of announcing a pregnancy, how much the last year has changed us, and whether Matt finally feels ready to be a dad.

In this episode:

• What our first IUI with donor sperm was actually like

• The IUI procedure and what surprised us

• Progesterone after IUI

• Symptoms during the two-week wait

• Waiting for our first beta hCG pregnancy test

• How infertility changes your relationship with control

• Looking back on one year of male-factor infertility

• How infertility has changed both of us

• Our completely different approaches to waiting for pregnancy results

• How we’d tell our families if the IUI worked

Unfertile & Unfiltered is our honest, unfiltered conversation about male-factor infertility, azoospermia, donor conception, fertility treatment, and figuring out how to build a family when nothing goes according to plan.

This week did not go the way we expected.

After four months of appointments, medications, and waiting, we showed up for what felt like the make-or-break ultrasound for our IVM fertility study. Within seconds, we knew something was wrong. One follicle had grown to 17 mm—well over the study's 13 mm cutoff—which meant we were officially removed from the study.

We talk about what that moment felt like, why it hit us so hard, and how years of infertility have changed the way we respond to disappointing news. From sitting through an ultrasound trying not to cry, to wondering if we were back at square one, this was one of the lowest moments we've had in our journey.

Then, everything changed.

A phone call from our study coordinator revealed something we didn't realize was possible: because my follicle had matured, we were unexpectedly eligible to move straight into an IUI cycle instead of waiting months to start IVF. In a matter of hours, we went from grieving another setback to preparing for an insemination just days later.

In this episode we discuss:

• Why we were removed from the IVM study
• What the 13 mm follicle cutoff actually means
• My experience taking Clomid and the side effects I noticed
• Matt's perspective on another major fertility setback
• Why has false reassurance from doctors become difficult for us after years of infertility
• How we unexpectedly pivoted from an egg retrieval to an IUI cycle
• What our treatment timeline now looks like
• Why this unexpected change could move our family-building journey months ahead
• The hope (and cautious optimism) we're holding onto as we head into our first IUI

If you're navigating infertility, failed treatment cycles, or the emotional rollercoaster of changing plans, we hope this episode reminds you that sometimes the next door opens when you least expect it.

Thanks for listening to Unfertile & Unfiltered. If this episode resonated with you, we'd love it if you'd subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use the reminder that setbacks don't always mean the story is over.

DISCOUNT CODES

These codes are for profile memberships to view donor profiles—not for purchasing donor vials.

• Seattle Sperm Bank: CARROT (3 months of standard access. Adult photos still require the additional paid upgrade.)
• California Cryobank: QUEERFAM25 or RAINBOW25
• Fairfax Cryobank: RODGERS26 or CR2026
• Xytex: Free profile access
• Cryomate: Free profile access

Choosing a sperm donor can feel overwhelming. After spending months researching donors, paying for profile access, comparing banks, and ultimately choosing a donor ourselves, we're breaking down everything we learned to hopefully save you time, money, and stress.

Before diving into sperm banks, we also share a quick IVF update. Matt talks about starting testosterone treatment after his microTESE, while Sidney shares how birth control, the withdrawal period, and her first baseline appointment have gone leading into egg retrieval week.

Then we compare the major sperm banks we personally researched, what we liked (and didn't like), the unexpected costs, how we narrowed down our search, and why we ultimately chose Cryomate.

Whether you're just beginning to explore donor conception or you're actively trying to choose a donor, this episode covers the practical advice we wish someone had given us.

Sperm Bank Comparison

Seattle Sperm Bank

• Smaller donor pool than some of the larger banks
• Adult photos require an additional paid upgrade
• We found a one option on here
• Offers guaranteed family slots (limited to 25 families), which we really liked
• Great option if limiting the number of genetic half-siblings is important to you

California Cryobank

• One of the largest donor selections we found
• Adult photos require a paid membership
• Hundreds of donor profiles to browse
• Despite the large inventory, we only found one donor we seriously considered

Fairfax:

• Several donor options we really liked
• Detailed donor information
• One of our favorite donors sold out before we were ready to purchase
• Overall one of our favorite banks to browse

Xytex:

• Free profile access
• Easy to browse without purchasing a membership
• Good option if you're just beginning your search
• We personally didn't find our donor here, but really liked it

Cryomate:

• Free profile access
• Smaller donor pool than some of the larger banks
• Excellent customer service
• Several high-quality donor options
• Easy purchasing process
• This is where we found our donor

Advice we'd give anyone starting the donor search

• Complete your genetic carrier screening before getting emotionally attached to a donor.
• Pay for adult photos if they're available—they're worth it.
• Decide on one or two non-negotiables instead of filtering for everything.
• Shop multiple sperm banks before making a decision.
• If your favorite donor is sold out, contact the bank—more inventory may become available later.
• Choosing a donor feels surprisingly similar to dating. You'll probably say "no" hundreds of times before finding the right one.

Known donor options we discussed

If reducing the number of genetic half-siblings is important to you, we also discussed:

• Seed Scout
• Batch.global

These services help connect intended parents with known donors and generally have lower family limits than traditional sperm banks.

If you know of other sperm banks or discount codes that helped you during your donor search, send us a message! We'd love to continue building this resource for others navigating donor conception.

California CryobankFairfax CryobankXytexCryomate (the bank we ultimately chose)Advice we'd give anyone starting the donor searchKnown donor options we discussedDiscount codes we mentioned

In this episode, we talk through the five biggest things we wish we had known before doing a microTESE.

After going through the surgery and learning more after the fact, we realized there were several conversations we wish had happened sooner. We discuss genetic testing, how diagnosis can affect the odds of finding sperm, why overall success rates are not the same as your personal success rate, and why it matters to involve your IVF clinic before scheduling surgery.

We also talk about Matt’s testosterone levels after surgery, the symptoms we noticed months later, and the importance of asking direct questions about hormone risks before moving forward. We get into recovery, anesthesia, constipation from pain medication, and the practical things that would have made the process easier.

• onobstructive azoospermia (overall): Approximately 47% chance of finding sperm.
• Complete AZFa deletion: Near 0% chance of finding sperm.
• Complete AZFb deletion: Near 0% chance of finding sperm.
• AZFc deletion: Approximately 47% average chance of finding sperm, with guideline estimates ranging from 50–75%.
• Klinefelter syndrome: Approximately 44–50% chance of finding sperm.
• Sertoli Cell-Only Syndrome: Approximately 22–41% chance of finding sperm.
• Prior failed MicroTESE (salvage procedures): Approximately 18–43% chance of finding sperm.

This is where we’ll include the different microTESE sperm retrieval odds based on diagnosis, including non-obstructive azoospermia, AZFa deletion, AZFb deletion, AZFc deletion, Klinefelter syndrome, and Sertoli cell-only pattern.

1. Does your lab prefer fresh or frozen microTESE sperm, and why?

2. What are your lab’s fertilization and live-birth outcomes with frozen-thawed testicular sperm?

3. How often does your lab see usable sperm survive thawing?

4. How do you freeze very small numbers of sperm: individual sperm, microdroplets, tissue pieces or standard vials?

5. What happens if only one or two usable sperm are found?

6. Would you recommend coordinating the procedure with egg retrieval in our specific case?

7. What happens to the eggs if no sperm is found?

8. Should we have donor sperm available as a backup?

9. If sperm is found, how many IVF attempts could the stored sample realistically support?

10. Who will search the tissue, and how long will the laboratory continue searching?

11. Will tissue be evaluated during surgery so the surgeon knows whether to examine the second testicle?

12. Can the urology lab and IVF embryology lab communicate directly before the procedure?

This is where we’ll include the questions we recommend asking your urologist and IVF clinic before surgery, including questions about genetic testing, testosterone, fresh vs. frozen sperm, timing with egg retrieval, backup donor sperm, lab protocols, and what happens if only a small number of sperm are found.

This episode is not medical advice, but it is the conversation we wish someone had walked us through before surgery. If you are considering a microTESE, we hope it helps you ask better questions, get clearer answers, and understand the tradeoffs before making a decision.

In this episode, we share a detailed update on where we are in our fertility treatment process as we officially begin the IVM (In Vitro Maturation) study. After months of testing, appointments, procedures, and waiting, we finally have a treatment calendar, medications, and a timeline leading up to egg retrieval.

We walk through the full protocol, including birth control, Clomid, monitoring appointments, trigger shots, and what happens during the IVM process. We also discuss the possibility of being removed from the study if follicle development doesn't meet protocol requirements, how embryo creation differs with IVM, and what the next steps could look like if the study doesn't result in viable embryos.

Throughout the episode, we talk openly about the realities of male factor infertility, using donor sperm, balancing optimism with realistic expectations, and the many decisions that come with fertility treatment. We also discuss the financial considerations of IVF and IUI, concerns about embryo creation, and what we're hoping for as we move into the next stage of treatment.

Whether you're researching IVM, preparing for IVF, navigating male factor infertility, or simply following our journey, this episode provides a real-time look at the planning, uncertainty, and decision-making that happen before egg retrieval.

Resources & Links

Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sidneyhdavis/

Listen to previous episodes of Unfertile & Unfiltered for more conversations about male factor infertility, donor conception, microTESE procedures, fertility treatment, IVF, IUI, and family building.

After a week off for boys camp, girls camp, and a near trailer disaster on the side of the freeway, we are back with an update on where they are in their fertility journey.

In this episode, they break down their upcoming IVM timeline, including birth control, stimulation medications, egg retrieval, and what the next several weeks are expected to look like. They also share an update on their donor sperm arriving at the clinic and discuss a recent conversation with Lauren, a donor-conceived advocate working to create new pathways for donor matching and education.

The conversation also touches on the realities of navigating fertility treatment, learning to live with uncertainty, and the challenge of balancing healthy lifestyle changes without becoming consumed by trying to control every variable. Sidney shares her experience getting her first pap smear, reflects on some of the unexpected twists in their journey to parenthood, and talks about why she's focusing less on perfection and more on doing her best while letting go of the outcome.

Connect with Lauren:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thespermqueen/

Website: batch.global

If you're interested in sharing your own infertility story or joining the conversation, reach out to Sidney on Instagram. Thanks for following along and being part of the journey.

In this episode, we give an update on where we’re at in our infertility journey, including Matt’s post-microTESE recovery, testing for low testosterone, and additional genetic testing for male factor infertility.

We also talk through our first IVM study appointment, the frustration of fertility timelines, preparing for egg retrieval, and some of the lifestyle changes we’re making while trying to improve overall health and egg quality before treatment.

We also get into the emotional side of using a sperm donor, what that process has looked like over time, and how infertility continues to impact different parts of life and relationships as things move forward.

In this episode, we talk through Mother’s Day, the unexpected emotions that came with it, and what happened after reading back through old journal entries from the beginning of our infertility journey.

We go back to the first few months of trying to conceive — the excitement, assumptions, optimism, and the gradual shift into confusion, testing, diagnosis, and grief after finding out we were dealing with severe male factor infertility and non-obstructive azoospermia.

The episode covers:

• The emotional shift from trying to prevent pregnancy to trying desperately to conceive

• Reading journal entries from the beginning of the process
• The emotional impact of failed cycles, testing, and the microTESE surgery
• Mother’s Day while navigating infertility
• The pressure of hope, faith, and expectations during infertility
• Processing grief differently as a husband and wife
• Looking back at how quickly life changed over a few months