FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  

References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.

The Deadly Traps of Adolescence 

Day 10 of 10

Guest:                        Dennis and Barbara Rainey

From the series:       Unresolved Anger

Bob:                What does a parent do when he or she hears these words?

Child:              I hate you, Mom.  I hate you, Mom.  I hate you [echoes].

Bob:                Wow, that's hard to hear.  That's something no parent wants to hear.  Welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us on the Friday edition.  Our host is the president of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine.  I think we've got parents who have probably heard those words from an angry son or a daughter in their home and, as we have talked this week about the traps that face teenagers, one of the traps that I think can take a parent by surprise, Dennis, is the trap of unresolved anger.

Dennis:          You know, James, chapter 1, verse 19 directs us:  "Let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger," slow to wrath.  I think there's a reason why the Apostle James exhorted us thus.  It's because every human heart that's ever been made is not quick to hear, is not slow to speak, and is certainly swift to be angry.  

                        We have within us that natural tendency to get ticked off at other people.  In fact, Barbara and I, on more than one occasion, have just kind of pushed back and go, "Why is it that there is so much conflict in our family?"  And it's because we have so many people in our family.  We have a lot of human beings.

Bob:                Barbara, welcome to the broadcast.  There is something about childish anger that we see displayed in a three-year-old or a four-year-old who doesn't get his or her way and, as adults, we almost smile at some of those expressions of anger just because they're so immature.  But we quit smiling when it's a 13-year-old or a 15-year-old who is expressing some mixture of childish anger and adult response.

Barbara:         Yeah, because it's a lot more difficult to handle.  A little three-year-old or a four-year-old, you're still bigger than they are, you can reason with them, you can put your arms around them and love them, and you know you can probably make it okay pretty quickly as a parent.  You know you can fix it. 

                        But with a teenager you don't know that you can fix it, you don't know what the problem necessarily is, and the volume goes up and the rage goes up, and because of their size, they can do more damage, not only to someone else but to themselves, and so it's a much more frightening prospect to have an angry teenager.

Dennis:          And many times the source is not the child.  The source is the parent.

Bob:                What do you mean?

Dennis:          Well, I want to read you a story from our book, "Parenting Today's Adolescent."  

                        We begin by asking the question, "Have you ever had a scene like this at your house?  Two of our teenagers were asked to clean the kitchen together.  Over the next 45 minutes I came back in to inspect their work three times.  The first time they were arguing about who had done the most.  I asked them kindly to keep on working.  The next time I came back they were bickering about who had to sweep the floor.  I calmed their emotions and encouraged them to finish the job.  Finally, after I'd inspected their half-hearted work, the two of them gave me this lame excuse that they didn't know what a clean kitchen should look like."

Bob:                Now, hang on.  You're sounding angry even as you read the story.

Dennis:          As I relive this, this makes me mad.  Well, I write in the book –  "That did it.  This normally unflappable dad flipped.  The anger that I controlled during the prior visits erupted and spewed out like lava.  I went on a tirade about how they were so disrespectful and how they were conning me and just generally being disobedient.  

                        I picked up a box of Kleenexes, and in an unsanctified flurry of rage, flung the box near their feet – hard.  I whirled around, stormed out of the kitchen, stomped out the front door, slamming it shut.  Standing there on the front porch with my blood pressure higher than the stock market, two profound thoughts dawned on me.  

                        First – 'It's really cold out here.  Why am I standing here freezing and those two teenagers are inside warm as toast?  I'm the father, I'm the one who is paying for this house, and I'm supposed to be in charge.'  The second thought settled like the cold in my bones and pierced me – 'My anger has gotten the best of me.  I'm acting like a foolish child.'"

                        I conclude the story by writing, "I don't recall how long I stayed outside, nor do I recall the exact words of my apology to our children that followed.  I do recall coming to an important realization – if I'm going to do my part in helping these children grow up emotionally and know how to appropriately express their anger, then I've got to finish the process of growing up, too."

Bob:                And, you know, there's not a parent listening – okay, maybe there's one or two, and I want to meet them someday …

Barbara:         So do I.

Dennis:          Yeah, really, I do, too.

Bob:                But most of us have been pushed right up to that point by our kids, where we just get so frustrated that all that comes out is the lava that you described as you shared that story.  We just erupt in anger.  What's at the core of an angry response, whether it's on the part of a parent or a child?

Barbara:         Well, I think, a lot of times, the core is a feeling of hurt.  I think our kids get hurt at school, they get hurt by one another because siblings are just unmerciful to one another.

                        But I think wh...