Unsilenced: Real Conversations About Abuse

Most people understand grieving a death, a job loss, or a break up. However, attitudes toward domestic violence can make it extremely difficult for a person to grieve the loss of theirrelationship. Others may assume that they should be happy to be free of the person and not allow them the same grace extended to people who experience other loses.

JBWS staff member Maria Lagattuta joins this episode of Unsilenced to explore the hidden grief that accompanies domestic violence. We discuss why survivors grieve abusive relationships, the many losses abuse creates, and practical ways to begin healing with compassion.

In this episode:

• Why it's normal to grieve an abusive relationship

• The stages of grief and how they apply to domestic violence

• Losing your identity, friendships, home, and future dreams

• Why healing isn't linear and why that's okay

• Practical coping skills, grounding techniques, and self-compassion

• Finding community and rebuilding life after abuse

CONTENT:

0:00 Introduction
1:38 Why We Grieve Abusive Relationships
5:27 The Sudden Loss No One Talks About
8:30 "Why Am I Still Sad?" Understanding Survivor Grief
15:03 Losing Your Identity Through Abuse
21:33 How to Cope with Overwhelming Grief
27:31 Practical Ways to Be Kind to Yourself
31:05 Trauma Changes How the Brain Remembers
34:47 Don't "Move On" Move Through the Grief
35:31 Why Grief Comes Back in Waves
38:30 A Message for Anyone Feeling Alone
40:19 The Healing Power of a Good Goodbye
45:22 About JBWS and Resources

Resources:

• JBWS' services: ⁠⁠⁠⁠JBWS.org/services ⁠⁠⁠⁠

• General resources: ⁠⁠⁠⁠ jbws.org/resources⁠⁠⁠⁠

• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv⁠⁠⁠⁠

• If you don’t live or work predominately in Morris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠thehotline.org ⁠⁠

Can your spouse sexually assault you? What does consent really mean? Is sexual abuse always physical? If you've ever asked yourself one of these questions, this episode is for you.

Lana Ubinski of the Morris County Sexual Assault Center joins this episode of Unsilenced to explains what sexual abuse really looks like, from subtle forms of sexual coercion and digital abuse to reproductive coercion and marital rape. This conversation challenges common myths and provides practical guidance for survivors, loved ones, and anyone looking to better understand healthy relationships.

We answer the most common questions about sexual abuse, including:

• Can your spouse sexually assault you?
• What does consent actually look like?
• What are subtle signs of sexual violence in a relationship?
• Is sexual violence always physical?
• How do you support someone who discloses sexual violence?
• What "counts" as sexual abuse
• And much more.

CONTENT
(00:00) Introduction

(01:25) What Is Sexual Violence?

(04:25) Sexual Violence & Domestic Violence

(06:15) Power, Control & Coercion

(09:45) Hidden Forms of Sexual Abuse

(13:45) Why Survivors Question Their Experience

(17:55) Understanding Consent

(20:45) Healing After Sexual Trauma

(24:00) The Lasting Impact of Sexual Violence

(28:30) Can Your Spouse Sexually Assault You?

(29:20) Reporting Sexual Assault

(30:35) Supporting a Survivor(34:59) About JBWS and Resources

Resources:

• JBWS' services: ⁠⁠⁠JBWS.org/services ⁠⁠⁠

• General resources: ⁠⁠⁠ jbws.org/resources⁠⁠⁠

• Morris County Sexual Assault Center: https://www.atlantichealth.org/services/sexual-assault-program or call 973-829-0587

• Power and Control Wheel
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit ⁠⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv⁠⁠⁠

• If you don’t live or work predominately in Morris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit ⁠⁠⁠thehotline.org ⁠⁠

People who have grown up with domestic violence may not know how to have a healthy relationship. As much as they may have hated the way their mother or father was treated, children who witnessed abuse may not have the tools to break the cycle of violence in their own relationships.

In this episode, Juli Harpell-Elam discusses how she works with men, women, and teenagers who have used abuse to encourage accountability and behavior change. She explores the roots of abusive behavior, accountability, emotional regulation, and what real change actually looks like.

This episode offers insight for people recognizing unhealthy behaviors in themselves, while also emphasizing that survivors are never responsible for someone else’s change. It discusses:

• How childhood exposure to domestic violence impacts adult relationships
• Why anger is often connected to fear, shame, or vulnerability
• Emotional regulation skills to prevent escalation
• Why accountability is necessary for healing and healthier relationships
• Resources for people seeking help to stop abusive behaviors

CONTENT:

(0:00) Introduction
(1:17) Recognizing Abuse
(2:50) Awareness vs. Intent
(4:17) Signs of Control
(7:24) After Hurting Your Partner
(10:07) Shame & Accountability
(12:25) Escalation Warning Signs
(14:48) Emotional Regulation Skills
(15:47) Using Healthy Time-Outs
(17:39) Building Support Systems
(19:33) Emotional Abuse Patterns
(22:31) Beliefs Behind Abuse
(25:24) Why People Use Control
(26:14) Anger & Vulnerability
(29:31) The Cost of Abuse
(33:20) Silent Treatment & Phone Checking
(36:17) Getting Help to Change
(40:39) Fear of Judgment
(42:05) Breaking the Silence
(43:33) Is Change Lifelong?
(49:22) Accountability & Survivor Safety
(54:00) About JBWS and Resources

Resources:

• JBWS' services: ⁠⁠JBWS.org/services ⁠⁠
• General resources: ⁠⁠ jbws.org/resources⁠⁠
• Helpline for people using abuse: 877-898-3411 or https://acallforchangehelpline.org/
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit ⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv⁠⁠
• If you don’t live or work predominately inMorris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit ⁠⁠thehotline.org ⁠⁠

What is the impact of having children with an abusive partner? Do restraining orders apply to children? Will a history of abuse impact custody?

In this episode of Unsilenced, Pat Barbarito, Esq. and Maria Lagattuta, LCSW explore the impact of domestic violence on children, particularly within the court system.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How restraining orders impact children and parenting time
• What to expect with custody and visitation in domestic violence cases
• How children are affected psychologically, including trauma and split loyalties between parents
• Why preparation and support services are critical when navigating the legal system

Whether you’re a parent navigating an abusive relationship, a professional supporting families, or someone seeking to better understand the system, this conversation offers clarity, compassion, and practical guidance. Most importantly, it reinforces a critical truth: abuse is never the victim’s fault and support is always available when you’re ready to reach out.

Content:

(0:00) Introduction
(03:31) Restraining Orders & Separation
(04:58) Visitation & Child Safety
(06:00) Custody & Power Dynamics
(07:43) Filing a Restraining Order
(09:58) Preparing for Court
(11:52) Who Is Protected & Legal Limits
(14:21) Teen Dating Violence
(16:21) The Impact on Children
(20:01) Silence, Shame & Stigma
(27:19) When Kids Become Caregivers
(29:08) Blame, Loyalty & Conflict
(31:10) Why Leaving Is So Hard
(34:17) Recognizing Red Flags
(43:18) Co-Parenting Challenges
(51:45) About JBWS and Resources

Resources:

• JBWS' services: JBWS.org/services
• General resources:  jbws.org/resources
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit jbws.org/jcnv
• If you don’t live or work predominately inMorris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris  

What are healthy financial boundaries? How can you tell if someone is being generous versus attempting to control you? Financial abuse occurs in 99% of abusive relationships and can have devastating consequences.

In this episode of Unsilenced, JBWS staff member Dani Meza explores:

• Signs of financial abuse
• How financial control is a power method of control
• The difference between healthy financial partnership and controlling behavior
• Subtle red flags
• How financial abuse can impact employment
• Questions to help you recognize if financial control is happening in your relationship

Video Content:

(0:00) Introduction
(0:35) What is Financial Abuse?
(2:05) Common Examples of Financial Control
(3:34) How Financial Abuse Traps Survivors
(5:13) Control vs. Healthy Financial Partnership
(6:50) Child Support, Separation & Financial Manipulation
(7:26) Real Patterns Survivors Experience
(10:59) Career Sabotage & Employment Abuse
(13:45) Subtle Signs: “Care” vs. Control
(15:23) Questions to Identify Financial Abuse
(17:03) Consequences, Manipulation & Power
(18:22) Reclaiming Control & Final Thoughts
(19:26) About JBWS & Resources

About JBWS and Resources:

• JBWS’ services: jbws.org/services
• General resources: jbws.org/resources
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit jbws.org/jcnv
• If you don’t live or work predominately inMorris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris  

How can you tell if your relationship is actually healthy? Can unhealthy things happen in healthy relationships? In this episode of Unsilenced, JBWS staff member Maddie Hahn explores:

• The 8 key elements of a healthy relationship
• The difference between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships
• Green flags people should look for in relationships
• The difference between boundaries and ultimatums
• Whether unhealthy behaviors can exist in otherwise healthy relationships
• And so much more!

Whether you're questioning your relationship or simply want to understand what healthy love should look like, this episode provides practical insights and helpful tools to learn more about healthy relationships.

Video Content:

(0:00) What Is a Healthy Relationship?

(1:16) Green Flags in Healthy Relationships

(2:15) Negotiation and Fairness in Relationships

(4:28) Boundaries vs Ultimatums

(10:50) Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationship Conflict

(15:07) Trying to Change Your Partner

(17:10) Keeping Your Identity in a Relationship

(20:45) Trust and Support in Relationships

(21:40) Privacy, Phones, and Location Sharing

(22:15) Trust Issues and Past Relationship Trauma

(26:50) Apologizing and Taking Responsibility

(29:20) Can Relationships Recover From Dishonesty?

(33:55) Shared Responsibility in Relationships

(36:55) Financial Equality and Economic Partnership

(41:10) Can Healthy Relationships Have Unhealthy Moments?

(42:40) Unhealthy vs Abusive Relationships

(48:40) About JBWS and Resources for Support

About JBWS and Resources:

• JBWS’ services: jbws.org/services
• General resources: jbws.org/resources
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 97.539.7801 or visit jbws.org/jcnv
• If you don’t live or work predominately inMorris County or Passaic County in New Jersey, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris  

Location sharing has become a normal part of relationships for many people but is it actually a red flag? Is it possible to share your location in a healthy way? 

In this episode of Unsilenced, JBWS staff member Mary Jane McCarthy explores:

• When asking for someone’s location becomes controlling
• The difference between safety-based sharing and coercive control
• How constant location tracking erodes trust
• Warning signs that location tracking is rooted in abuse
• How location sharing can escalate into digital stalking
• Why refusing to share your location is not suspicious

From teens in new relationships to long-term couples navigating boundaries, we break down how location tracking impacts trust, autonomy, and privacy. You’ll learn how to identify red flags, set healthy boundaries around technology, and recognize when tracking becomes a tool of control rather than care.

While location sharing can be used responsibly, it can also normalize monitoring, suspicion, and other forms of abuse.

CONTENT:

(0:00) Introduction

(1:32) Basics of Location Sharing

(4:26) Is Location Sharing A Red Flag?

(8:54) How Long Before You Check Location?

(12:40) Expectation of Availability

(19:06) Length of Relationship Matters

(24:03) Signs Location Sharing is Rooted in Control

(37:55) Not Sharing Location Is Not Suspicious

(40:25) Constantly Checking Location Erodes Trust

(42:08) Is Location Tracking Stalking?

(47:19) Questions to Ask Before Location Sharing

(51:20) About JBWS and Resources

About JBWS and Resources:

• JBWS's Services: jbws.org/services
• General Resources: jbws.org/resources
• If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 973.539.7801 or visit⁠ ⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv
• If you don't live or work in either Morris or Passaic County, NJ please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris

You're not going crazy. Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your own perception of reality. It is frequently used in abusive relationships to keep the victim under an abusive partner's control.

Dr. Danielle Graddick, a licensed clinical psychologist, joins this episode of Unsilenced to get into gaslighting. We explore these questions:

• What is gaslighting?
• What are signs of gaslighting?
• Can you gaslight someone unintentionally?
• What are examples of gaslighting?
• How can you respond to gaslighting?
• Why do people gaslight others?
• How can you trust yourself after gaslighting?
• And so much more

Video Content

(0:00) Introduction

(1:48) Defining Gaslighting

(2:49) Examples of Gaslighting

(5:44) Common Gaslighting Phrases

(7:19) Disagreeing Without Gaslighting

(12:04) Can Gaslighting be Unintentional?

(15:21) Why Do People Gaslight Others?

(17:51) Is It Possible to Stop Gaslighting?

(21:58) Recovering from Gaslighting

(28:13) About JBWS & Resources

About JBWS & Resources:

JBWS's Services: Jbws.org/services

General Resources: ⁠https://jbws.org/helpful-domestic-violence-information/⁠

If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 973.539.7801 or visit⁠ ⁠⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv ⁠

If you don't live or work in either Morris or Passaic County, NJ please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris

When a person decides to leave an abusive relationship, it marks a significant loss of control for their partner that can make the abuse escalate. Most domestic violence homicides and serious injuries occur when a person decides to leave an abusive relationship. That is why safety planning is crucial for all people experiencing abuse, even if you don’t plan on leaving immediately.

In this episode, JBWS staff member Robin Hughes discusses:

• General tips to increase your safety
• How to deescalate an abusive situation
• Involving children in safety planning
• Staying safe after you leave the relationship
• And more

CONTENT:

 (0:00) Introduction

(2:08) What Is Safety Planning?

(6:00) Preparing to Leave An Abusive Relationship

(8:13) Signs You Need to Deescalate

(10:08) How to Placate an Abusive Partner for Safety

(14:20) Tips for Preparing to Leave An Abusive Relationship

(18:32) "Where Do I Go Now?"

(21:35) Staying Safe After Leaving

(27:35) Document The Abuse

(29:41) Ideas for Safety Planning

(35:48) Safety Planning With A Restraining Order

(39:35) Involving Children in Safety Planning

(43:32) Weapons and Abuse

(46:06) Recap on Tips for Staying Safe

(51:44) Resources and About JBWS

*Every person’s circumstance is different. This podcast is intended to offer general tips for safety planning, not to offer advice. Not every suggestion will be right for you. Call a domestic violence agency and speak with an advocate to develop your own safety plan.

Resources and About JBWS:

JBWS's Services: Jbws.org/services

Morris County, NJ 24-Hour Helpline:1.877.782.2873

Passaic County, NJ 24-Hour Helpline: 1.973.881.1450

General Resources: https://jbws.org/helpful-domestic-violence-information/

Ideas for Safety Planning:  https://jbws.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/Developing-a-Safety-Plan.pdf

If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 973.539.7801 or visit⁠ ⁠⁠jbws.org/jcnv

If you don't live or work in either Morris or Passaic County, NJ please call 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris

Choking your partner during sex is becoming increasingly common. People engage in breath play to enhance eroticism and sexual pleasure.

But can sexual choking ever be a consensual act? Is it possible to consent to something that could kill you with the same force it takes to open a can of soda?

CONTENT:

Introduction (0:00)Choking vs. Strangulation (2:45)

Can You Consent to Choking? (3:59)

Dangers of Sexual Choking (5:34)

Choking and Abusive Relationships (10:45)

Defining Strangulation (16:21)

Warning Signs of Medical Distress (22:35)

Choking Puts Abuse Victims At Increased Risk of Death (25:34)
Talking to Teens About Sexual Choking (28:46)

BREATHE Protocol (34:24)

Is Sexual Choking Abuse? (37:52)

About JBWS & Resources (41:41)

Resources and About JBWS:

If you are in an unhealthy relationship and living or working in Morris or Passaic County, New Jersey JBWS can help call our 24-Hour Helpline at 1.877.782.2873 or visit jbws.org/services

If you notice controlling or unhealthy behaviors in yourself, JBWS can help. Call 973.539.7801 or visit⁠ ⁠⁠

If you don't live or work in Morris County, NJ please call 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Intro and outro music donated by Billy Morris