There is an Internal Civil War that rages in us. We think we are one single, consistent person, but in reality, we are a complex system of 'Parts.' We have the Protector, the Provider, the Achiever, and the Wounded Child—and often, they are all fighting for the steering wheel of our lives.

For the Sentinel, true leadership doesn't start with commanding others; it starts with commanding yourself. If you are 'blended' with your anger or your anxiety, you aren't leading—you’re reacting. To be a Durable Dad, you have to do the inner work to move from being 'Part-led' to being 'Self-led. And I’ve brought the perfect guest joining us remotely to guide us in the right direction to starting that inner work.

In this episode we are joined by Kurt Bush, the founder of Brimstone Coaching Group. Kurt is an expert in Internal Family Systems (IFS), a powerful modality that helps men map their internal landscape. He’s here to show us how to negotiate with our internal 'Protectors' so we can show up as our best, most integrated selves at home and in the boardroom.

To learn more about Brimstone Coaching Group or get started, visit: https://www.brimstonecoachinggroup.com/

To be a guest on The Fatherhood Challenge visit: https://podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/thefatherhoodchallenge

Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr

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00:05.34

Jonathan Guerrero

Most men live without a so a constant, a most limb yeah most men live with a constant quiet friction. You want to be in the patient, present father when you walk through the door. But a part of you is still revving up from the office, ready to bark at the first sign of chaos. You want to lead with confidence. But another part of you, the inner critic, is constantly whispering that you aren't doing enough.

00:32.76

Jonathan Guerrero

that you are failing and falling short or that you're just one mistake away from it all falling apart. This is the internal civil war. We think we are we are one single consistent person, but in reality, we are a complex system of parts.

00:49.82

Jonathan Guerrero

We have the protector, the provider, the achiever, and the wounded child. And often they're all fighting and steering, but they're all fighting for the steering wheel of our lives. For the Sentinel, true leadership doesn't start with commanding others. It starts with communicating yourself. If you are blended with your anger or your anxiety, you aren't leading, you are reacting.

01:13.81

Jonathan Guerrero

To be a durable dad, you have to do the inner work to move from being part-led being self-led. And I've brought the perfect guest who will join us remotely and guide us in the right direction to starting that inner work, all in just a moment, so don't go anywhere.

02:12.57

Jonathan Guerrero

Greetings everyone, thank you so much for joining me then this episode called Using IFS Lead Your Family with Clarity. Today, we are joined by Kurt Busch, the founder of Brimstone Coaching Group.

02:26.35

Jonathan Guerrero

Kurt is an expert in internal family systems or IFS, which is a powerful modality that helps men map their internal land space. He's here to show us how to navigate our internal protectors so that we can show up as our best, most integrated selves at home and in the boardroom. Kurt, welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge.

02:46.04

Kurt Bush

Hey, Jonathan, thanks for having me Really glad to be here.

02:49.75

Jonathan Guerrero

Okay, here's my favorite question, Kurt. What's your favorite dad joke?

02:53.66

Kurt Bush

ah Jonathan, i I'm ready for this one. Uh, let me, let me take a deep breath and like getting character for a second. Uh, so the other day, John, I was, I was at the grocery store.

03:04.44

Kurt Bush

Uh, you know, I bought, I bought all the things I needed and I put my milk up on the, on the conveyor and the cashier said, sir, would you like your milk in a bag?

03:15.00

Kurt Bush

And I looked at her and I said, no, the carton will be just fine.

03:24.36

Kurt Bush

that's That's my favorite dad joke, actually.

03:27.97

Jonathan Guerrero

I like it.

03:30.36

Kurt Bush

Thanks. Thanks.

03:31.38

Jonathan Guerrero

It's original. It's original to me at least.

03:33.62

Kurt Bush

Thanks. Yeah.

03:35.35

Jonathan Guerrero

okay

03:35.64

Kurt Bush

Yeah.

03:37.46

Jonathan Guerrero

All right. Well, thank you for sharing that.

03:39.80

Kurt Bush

Yeah, of course.

03:41.91

Jonathan Guerrero

Okay. so So you do IFS work, which is dealing with parts. Most therapists don't go there. How in the world did you get interested in this? What's your story, your background?

03:56.12

Kurt Bush

Yeah, that's a really good question. Thanks for asking it. And I always like to say to I'm not a therapist. i'm I'm a coach that is, that has some certification that has some training in IFS.

04:07.96

Kurt Bush

And you know, I like to use the line. I'm not just ah ah not just the president. I'm a member. However, that goat, the old hair club for men kind of thing. I'm not, I'm not just the user, but, but I also use it in my own life too.

04:21.82

Jonathan Guerrero

I love that.

04:22.03

Kurt Bush

Um, Yeah, you know, I think years ago, as i kind of began to unpack my own stuff and my own kind of inner self work, I was introduced to this by a good friend of mine. And, and it just, it seemed to make sense to me.

04:38.14

Kurt Bush

um it seemed to fit what I was working through in terms of, you know, some deep imposter syndrome and some, ah like real heavy kind of protector firefighter stuff going on in me. um and And over the course of of kind of doing that work for me, I realized like this, this is just a really helpful tool for so many parts of of leadership of parenting. Now, I don't, I don't engage this with every single one of my clients explicitly, but it certainly informs the work that I do with my clients.

05:11.54

Jonathan Guerrero

Okay, I'm glad you clarified that because your work is so much more than IFS. I zero in on IFS just because I tried, when I was starting therapy, I tried so many different modalities and none of them were working for me.

05:26.07

Kurt Bush

Yeah.

05:28.60

Jonathan Guerrero

But it seemed like IFS was the one fail-safe thing for me that not only worked, but it worked really, really well.

05:37.66

Kurt Bush

yeah

05:37.75

Jonathan Guerrero

And here you are, and this is what you do. And I, it's, I just find it really fascinating. And I know if I was one who had done therapy before and had never heard of IFS until it was introduced to me as an option, I know there must be other dads out there that might be in the similar situation where they've had either no experience with therapy or they've had very bad experiences with therapy and, And it's not even on their mind that they have other options. And so they might be hearing about this for the first time. So to that dad that is in that situation where they're hearing about it for the first time, could you break down IFS, what it is, how it works, and why it might be a good fit for them?

06:26.55

Kurt Bush

Yeah, that's a great question. And I would i would just affirm, um you know, we we do this work with leaders um who who aren't even beginning to think anything like this. and And quite frankly, when I bring this up with my clients, oftentimes they look at me like I have a ah third eyeball somewhere.

06:47.96

Kurt Bush

Kind of like I did when it was introduced to me for the first time. So so I would affirm that like this is this is a ah harder conversation to have with people who've never who've never engaged it. but But here's how I think about IFS. And this is probably way oversimplified. But here's how I explain this to people.

07:05.95

Kurt Bush

It's the idea that that we are made up of parts. that every every one of us have parts that make up a whole. um And we are most whole when we can recognize those parts, allow those parts to speak into our lives and and reconcile those parts to our whole self. It's only then that we can integrate all those parts into one whole self that that we will actually be, you know, in a place of thriving, in a place of contentment, in ah in a place of being able to show up as who and how we want to be.

07:41.50

Jonathan Guerrero

Okay, that's very, very helpful. Kurt, many men have a highly developed manager part that excels in the professional world. It's analytical, stoic, and driven.

07:53.24

Jonathan Guerrero

Why does that same part often feel like a bull in a china shop when it tries to lead at the dinner table?

08:00.76

Kurt Bush

That is, oh, John, that's a great question. Yeah, I think what's what's true is, to set the scene a little bit, I think what's true is that manager part gets rewarded so often, rewarded in ways that are that are real intangible and, you know, on some level are are worth rewarding, right? Our manager is trying to do what's good for us. our manager is trying to keep us safe.

08:26.26

Kurt Bush

I think that the thing that stands out to me about IFS is that manager does not know whether it's in a boardroom or at the dinner table. that That manager part of me does not know that it's responding to my teenager or if it's responding to a, ah you know, ah potential risk in the boardroom. And I think that's what feels so real is, um,

08:52.12

Kurt Bush

helping those parts of me understand that there is a difference and and that I maybe don't need it in the same way in the same spaces that that I might need it in ah in a boardroom or in ah a leadership role. But yeah, those parts just don't they don't know that they don't know the the difference between those two settings.

09:13.21

Jonathan Guerrero

And even outside the kind of the context of IFS, I had a former guest on, was great guest, and his name is Kyle Carnahan. He was a former firefighter, and he talks often about the struggle of coming home from the workplace, where he would bring the firehouse into the kitchen around his wife.

09:25.70

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

09:30.85

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

09:36.15

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

09:37.85

Jonathan Guerrero

And so he would talk loudly to his wife, cuss at his wife. Like it was he talked to his wife just like he would talk to his co-workers at work, male or female.

09:50.49

Jonathan Guerrero

And um it it was obviously it had a very abrasive response from his wife.

09:57.85

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

09:57.82

Jonathan Guerrero

And it took him some time to understand you can't bring the firehouse home.

09:57.92

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

10:03.58

Jonathan Guerrero

Now in the firehouse, that's just how everybody is. that There's nothing offensive about that. And I can relate to that coming from a blue collar trucking background where everything is rough. The conversations are rough. The environment is rough.

10:20.34

Jonathan Guerrero

And what most people would consider offensive language or offensive talk or harsh, any of that is just normal in in the yard.

10:34.84

Jonathan Guerrero

This is just how you talk. No one's offended by it. So it's hard to unpack that when you come home, you just can't do that. And i love IFS because it makes you think about those different parts and separate them and make intentional conscious decisions before you just react and fly off the handle.

10:58.04

Kurt Bush

Yeah, I think there is something beautiful about ah understanding that that those parts of us you know that that might show up in a boardroom or around a leadership table or wherever wherever it is, that those parts of us are doing what they're doing because they are looking out for us, that they want what's best for us. Now, now it doesn't always...

11:22.26

Kurt Bush

you know, come out that way or manifest itself that way. ah and and, you know, sometimes it comes out sideways, but, you know, i really do believe the beautiful part about IFS is that, that there is a chance to listen to all of these parts and integrate them and acknowledge them ah because underneath all of it, that they are seeking our good. So, so I do, yeah, I do wonder,

11:46.74

Kurt Bush

you know, some of this conversation around, you know, what what part we engage at work versus what part we engage at home, I actually wonder, like, how do we integrate those ah so so that we're so that we're allowing each of them to speak to us and and move us or shape us ah while also not having to try to, like, shut one off and turn one on, if that makes sense.

12:13.27

Jonathan Guerrero

Yeah, it does. And I kind of wanted to get into the weeds a little bit on this. When a dad gets triggered and then he starts yelling or withdrawing, IFS would say, for example, a protector part has taken the wheel.

12:19.02

Kurt Bush

Mm-hmm.

12:27.29

Jonathan Guerrero

How can a man begin to identify his most common protectors and what they are actually trying to protect him from?

12:34.71

Kurt Bush

Yeah, I think it's a great that's a great question. This this is one of the one of the things we offer to our clients. and And this is probably where we start to integrate some other things with IFS. We would say that the practice of reflection is probably the the key first step to understand what what protector is is speaking or what protector is engaged and and what it's trying to protect protect us from.

12:59.99

Kurt Bush

ah we We think those moments, especially parenting, man, John, i i I have so many stories I could tell you of my protector kicking in, but I think the value of reflection is to be able to pause, get away from the moment and be able to ask questions like what happened?

13:17.56

Kurt Bush

Uh, why did I do what I did? What was i feeling? What did I do? And, and if I could do it again, could I do it differently? I i think pairing, pairing that process of reflecting and getting clear on those questions, pairing that with, man, there's a real protector here. i think that for me feels like a great first step to start to get clear on what's actually stirring up and what's actually getting triggered.

13:43.37

Jonathan Guerrero

Let's talk about another scenario that's probably very common with dads. Most dads have a very loud inner critic that shames them for not being strong enough or successful enough.

13:54.81

Jonathan Guerrero

How does that internal shaming actually prevent us from being the durable, compassionate leaders that our families actually need?

14:03.03

Kurt Bush

Yeah, I love that question so much. i I want to contrast shame with guilt a little bit. um we We talk a lot in our coaching practice about the difference between guilt and shame. We would say guilt is actually kind of an empowering experience. If if if I have ah an experience with one of my teenagers that is inappropriate or or if I lash out or if I lose my cool, like I have a mess to clean up. Like I actually have done something wrong and have a mess to clean up. That empowers me.

14:32.47

Kurt Bush

to take responsibility and move forward in a relationship.

14:34.24

Jonathan Guerrero

you

14:35.39

Kurt Bush

Shame often is the feeling that that I am bad. Not I did something bad, but I am bad. So the shame then we would say is disempowering.

14:45.91

Kurt Bush

It takes me away from action. It takes me away from reconciliation. It takes me away from seeking to understand and it causes me to hide. It causes me to to keep the reality of situation at arm's length because I'm afraid of feeling something, feeling bad, feeling...

15:02.23

Kurt Bush

You know, like I'm a bad dad, maybe. so i think that really is the the the the disturbing part of that shame is that it it causes me to hide and avoid rather than moving towards a child or towards a spouse or towards whoever it is, causing me to hole up and and it just builds and builds and builds when I can't when I can't face it or name it.

15:23.45

Jonathan Guerrero

Can we go a little bit deeper on that? If I'm understanding this correctly, guilt is more associated with behavior or inaction. Shame is tied to an identity that you've placed on yourself. is i Am I close on this?

15:39.42

Kurt Bush

Yeah, I think you're spot on. I think you're spot on. um the The other day, John, I'll tell you this. The other day, I i lashed out a little bit at my 16 year old. I don't know if you have 16 year olds, but it's it's a challenge. And and I i didn't like it.

15:54.81

Kurt Bush

I didn't like how I responded. i didn't like what I said. I didn't like my posture. So I. took responsibility. I owned it. I named it. And I reconciled ah that relationship. I reconciled that experience. I would call that guilt.

16:10.07

Kurt Bush

I did something that is objectively not something I should have done. um No, no valuation of me, right? That is just a black and white fact. I did something that I need to, you know, clean up. I made a mess is what we would say. Shame is the feeling that that i that i I am a mess.

16:31.16

Kurt Bush

Or shame is the feeling like, well, I lashed out at my kid again. Well, I guess i guess i' i guess that's affirmation I'm a bad dad. um I don't know that that's helpful, right? That posture of evaluating my goodness or badness as a dad, that's not moving me towards growth or maturity or transformation. It's not moving me towards my children. It's it's moving me again in a place of avoidance so that I don't have to feel like a bad dad.

17:00.37

Jonathan Guerrero

That's really, really interesting too. In my memory now, as I was driving home last night, I was listening to a podcast and it was a dad that was in his seventies reflecting on a book that his son had written about him.

17:14.58

Jonathan Guerrero

And as he was reading the book, he read a paragraph where his son wrote about him that he does not remember all of the different wrongs that his dad has done against him through their history.

17:31.42

Jonathan Guerrero

All he can remember is all of the times that his dad apologized to him and made things right. And that's what stood out most in his mind in in that legacy.

17:44.92

Jonathan Guerrero

And as the dad was reading that, i he was he was just crying. like He couldn't believe that that was what was meaningful, most meaningful and most memorable to his son.

17:55.82

Kurt Bush

That's really powerful. I really love that.

18:00.38

Jonathan Guerrero

In IFS, the self is characterized by things like calm, curiosity, and compassion. When a conflict breaks out at home, what is the quiet audit that a dad can do to see if he is self-led or if a part has hijacked him?

18:18.20

Kurt Bush

Yeah, I love that question. um Yeah, this is this is another one of those practices that that we offer our clients. um The calm and curiosity feel like such important pieces. You know, curiosity is, I think, an undervalued trait in our world today. i think curiosity gets labeled a lot of things and set aside. And I just think it's so important. So I i i like to employ for myself and i I invite my clients to employ this as well to to to to find a way to hit the pause button, um which is hard.

18:56.47

Kurt Bush

It's so hard. And and I think oftentimes the the resistance is I don't have time to hit the pause button. i I reject that a little bit. I think oftentimes we have more of an opportunity to pause as parents than we think we do.

19:08.38

Jonathan Guerrero

Yeah, you do. You do.

19:10.20

Kurt Bush

There's always time to pause. we We like to ask the question of ourselves and and our clients. We like to ask the question, like, what's what's true in this moment? What's true and and who and how do I want to be?

19:24.31

Kurt Bush

um I hope that includes things like calm and curiosity. Often it doesn't initially, but we we really believe a pause is a a way for us to at least zoom out, get to the balcony, if you will, like get above the situation to say what's true, you know, like what's true about this moment. I,

19:45.69

Kurt Bush

I am a good dad. I'm doing the best I can. Maybe that's enough of ah of ah a space to to be able to get back into the situation in the way that we want to be as our whole selves with all those parts integrated, not one part fighting for dominance.

20:05.30

Jonathan Guerrero

My therapist has saved me so many times with that strategy. Like she'll be in my head in the heat of a moment and I will stop and I will consciously try to unblend.

20:20.38

Jonathan Guerrero

And what's basically in my head is I can spend the time now or I can spend the time later. Would I rather prevent or would I rather fix later?

20:31.22

Kurt Bush

Yeah, that's...

20:31.96

Jonathan Guerrero

and And that's a no brainer.

20:32.06

Kurt Bush

ah

20:33.60

Jonathan Guerrero

That's motivation enough to to get me to unblend.

20:38.58

Kurt Bush

Yeah, yeah. Fixing is hard. I mean, it's it's really hard work to, again, our language we would use in our practice is cleaning up messes is really hard.

20:50.81

Kurt Bush

um And obviously, we make messes every day that we have to clean up. But yeah, if if I can prevent a mess in my life or in my parenting, I'm certainly going to do everything I can to prevent having to clean that up later.

21:04.63

Jonathan Guerrero

Something else, which I find it really interesting that this episode is coming on the heels of the last episode the last episode I just did, which was on parents working with their teens who have a pornography addiction.

21:18.87

Jonathan Guerrero

And one of the things that we talked about was a dad's reaction when he finds out that his teen has a porn addiction or, you know, whatever, we can apply that to a drug addiction, alcohol addiction, whatever.

21:33.34

Jonathan Guerrero

We just talk about porn because it hits the hardest and it's it's more common, frankly.

21:39.66

Kurt Bush

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

21:40.38

Jonathan Guerrero

um So that's why we end up talking about it. But the point was this, when a dad finds out he has a choice, He can either shame the child and shut down the relationship and consequently shut down all paths and avenues for future communication, for resolution, or for just helping the child overcome.

22:08.63

Jonathan Guerrero

Those pathways are closed. Or that dad can listen, provide a safe place for communication, and leave that channel open for some sort of a resolution to where eventually that child feels so confident that child would and what parent wouldn't want this for their child would just walk up to them and just spill the beans because they know they won't be shamed and their parents are going to come alongside them in the resolution and the solution but they start by simply just listening no judgment just listening what would happen

22:33.27

Kurt Bush

Yeah.

22:48.57

Jonathan Guerrero

If we did that every single time, if that was our default response, what would happen if we dug in as as dads and we did our inner work to where we were so conscious on the heat of the moment? We could turn that switch on and off and understand what was happening in the moment and be clear on what's happening. Like, what would that look like?

23:10.20

Kurt Bush

Oh, man, John. I mean, you're describing that and I'm sitting here like, gosh, I want that so bad. And, you know, I'll be the first one to admit that I'm not there. I'm working on it, but I'm not there. But yeah, I mean, I i i think that's revolutionary to our relationships. Right. I mean, yeah.

23:26.90

Kurt Bush

i always I always have a question of like what part shame plays in all these relationships and and how ah how shame impacts how we relate with our kids. And i I do think it's profound. But I think, man, if we could listen before protecting, because I think that's really what you're describing, Jonathan, is like when when my instinct is to apply shame, I'm really trying to protect myself.

23:50.74

Jonathan Guerrero

Yes.

23:50.90

Kurt Bush

ah I'm really trying to like keep myself safe or my reputation safe or whatever it is.

23:56.31

Jonathan Guerrero

Exactly.

23:56.42

Kurt Bush

um I think that revolutionizes our homes. And honestly, I think it revolutionizes the world ah because we, we take all these practices and we leave the house with them, right? We enter adulthood with them. um You know, we associate ah meaning in the world by what we learn in the, in the home with, with our parents. So I think it revolutionizes the world. If if we could assume a posture that says, I'm going to listen, I'm going care. I'm going to,

24:26.17

Kurt Bush

Put my protector. I'm going to tell my protector to take a break really is is what that what that is. But yeah, I love that, John. Like that's a picture of the future that I can get on board with.

24:37.39

Jonathan Guerrero

I'm enjoying this conversation. It's so cool to have this level of a conversation with someone who is an expert and well studied on IFS as well as other modalities and are producing results with the families that they work with. what which Speaking of which, go ahead and brag.

24:56.57

Jonathan Guerrero

what What kind of success stories have you had? What does that look like?

25:01.02

Kurt Bush

Yeah, well, I'm a pretty bad bragger, Jonathan. I'm a Midwesterner. We don't brag much. ah But here's here's what I would say. I think that there is there's real fruit that we get to see in people's lives because of the work they're doing. what We always say our job as coaches is not to direct people or prescribe anything for people. Our job is to ask the right question at the right time that uncovers, ah you know, uncovers barriers and places of stuckness for people that that then they get to overcome. I think what what what I love most is when I get to see someone look at me either in person or on the Zoom screen and do the like pause, cross your arms, look up into the left and have this kind of

25:47.12

Kurt Bush

Huh. Yeah, that is something I wonder about. I think those successes where something gets unlocked, where they start to see I've done this thing. I've allowed this part of me to be exiled. I've allowed this part of me to over function. And I get to have a say in how that's different tomorrow, you know, metaphorically tomorrow.

26:07.00

Kurt Bush

Those are the successes I love the most. I mean, I probably could, I could probably give you some stats, but I think those honestly, for me, like that's where I feel the most life and energy and gratification is to get to see a leader, an adult, think about themselves in ways they've never thought before.

26:26.94

Jonathan Guerrero

Some dads have firefighter parts that use distractions like scrolling on the phone, overworking, or substances to put out the emotional fires.

26:32.24

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

26:36.34

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

26:36.47

Jonathan Guerrero

How does a man negotiate with these parts to find wealthier ways to regulate?

26:42.20

Kurt Bush

Yeah, that's a good question. um That's a good question. I don't always know to answer it, John, but but here's how I think about it. I think about it like this. i think about ah giving myself or my clients enough freedom and space to listen to the firefighter.

27:00.92

Kurt Bush

I think it's possible. to listen to the firefighter part of us without giving in to the firefighter part of us. I think I can feel inside me what the firefighter is doing before I run to the screen for an hour.

27:15.48

Kurt Bush

um i i think the the biggest freedom that that that I experience with IFS and I see people experience is the freedom in understanding that that I don't have to...

27:28.06

Kurt Bush

I don't have to suppress the firefighter before I listen to it. i can I can listen to that part of me, take from it what I need to take from it. And then I get to have a conversation back and and invite that part of me to take a break.

27:39.35

Kurt Bush

um Will it take a break right away? Maybe, maybe not. but But I get to have that conversation over and over. But again, I think that's part of that pausing and and noticing and feeling and listening that we get to do.

27:52.09

Jonathan Guerrero

Kurt, that's huge. What you just said is really profound, really, really huge.

27:53.75

Kurt Bush

Yeah.

27:57.21

Jonathan Guerrero

I mean, it makes me think that what that firefighter really must be craving the most is just simply being listened to.

28:04.86

Kurt Bush

Yeah, yeah, I think so. I mean, I think that's my understanding of IFS is that that that all of these parts of us, even the ones we've exiled, right? These parts of us want to be heard because they desire they desire safety, they desire protection, they desire our good, which is beautiful, right?

28:26.87

Kurt Bush

I think there's just something really profound it. in not stuffing those parts, not exiling those parts, not stifling those parts, but allowing them to be heard and to be seen for sure.

28:41.91

Jonathan Guerrero

We all carry exiles, vulnerable parts of us that were hurt in our own childhoods. How does doing the inner work to heal those parts stop us from passing or our generational baggage down to our own kids?

28:57.72

Kurt Bush

Jonathan, these questions, my kids would say these questions are fire. that They're really, these are really good. Yeah, you know, you know i think what what's true about IFS, what I love about this is that that it would say that we are most whole when when our parts are integrated into oneself.

29:14.55

Kurt Bush

um And I think what's true for me is that that that i will I will invite my kids either intentionally or unintentionally, probably unintentionally to exile the same parts that I've exiled. um There was a part of me that was exiled for a long time, part of me that would get angry. And i would I would tell the angry part of me. Go away. Like it's it's not good to be angry. I can't be angry. I would stuff and I would exile what I know about my kids early years prior to this work in my life.

29:46.23

Kurt Bush

i I was building the same exiles in them that I had in me. um it's It's all a question of what parts of us are are helpful, what parts of us are appropriate, what parts of us are are beneficial we need to keep, and what parts of us we need to stifle. And and I think that stifling is what people do all the time. And I think when IFS works at its best, there's no stifling, there's no stuff stuffing. it's It's listening and welcoming and reconciling.

30:16.09

Kurt Bush

So I think if we're not doing the work, we're just going to hand the same exiles down to our kids that that we have inside of us.

30:23.96

Jonathan Guerrero

Okay, I just want to be very, very clear at this point that this whole discussion that we've been having is just barely scratching the surface.

30:33.28

Kurt Bush

Hmm.

30:33.38

Jonathan Guerrero

There's just not enough time, not even close to being able to unpack everything there is to unpack on this topic, which is why we're going to the next part, which is how dads can connect with you to get your coaching and get their inner work started on the way to their healing journey.

30:52.56

Kurt Bush

Yeah, thanks for asking, John. ah we have We have a website. Our coaching practice is called a Brimstone Coaching Group. And we have a website, brimstonecoachinggroup.com. And we we we really want to engage with people on this sort of self-awareness, IFS, inner work level. um And we do that by first offering a free initial inquiry call. People can call either myself or my business partner, my coaching partner.

31:18.01

Kurt Bush

ah Free of charge, no obligation to say, hey, here's what's going on. Are we a good fit for each other? We would love to do that with whoever might have questions. ah We work with people of all kinds, leaders of all kinds. We think everybody leads something, whether it's a parent or a volunteer organization or whatever it is. We would love to have a conversation to see if our philosophy and our our way of practicing would be helpful to your audience.

31:45.05

Jonathan Guerrero

Kurt, as we close, what's your challenge to dads listening now?

31:49.85

Kurt Bush

Yeah, boy, I have an hour? um i think I think here's here's what I want to say. Be kind to yourself. I think my challenge is be kind to yourself. do Do the work, do the work to understand why you show up the way you show up and be be kind to yourself as you do so.

32:10.68

Jonathan Guerrero

What an insightful conversation with Kurt Busch and the lesson is one of profound responsibility. You cannot lead your family well until you have learned to lead yourself. A durable dad isn't someone without internal conflict.

32:24.53

Jonathan Guerrero

He's someone who has mapped his internal landscape and knows how to lead his parts from a place of calm and clarity. When you master your internal world, you become the unshakable foundation your external world actually depends on.

32:39.32

Jonathan Guerrero

Tonight, When you feel that internal friction, the urge to snap or the desire to hide, don't judge the part that is rising up. Be curious.

32:50.07

Jonathan Guerrero

Ask it what it's trying to do for you and then lead from yourself. A huge, huge thank you to Kurt Busch for providing the blueprint for internal sovereignty that you can start on your own and begin your inner architecture project.

33:05.02

Jonathan Guerrero

Go to brimstonecoachinggroup.com That's brimstonecoachinggroup.com. You can also go to thefatherhoodchallenge.com. That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com. And if you go to this episode, you're looking for the episode title called Using IFS, Lead Your Family with Clarity.

33:22.62

Jonathan Guerrero

Using IFS, Lead Your Family with Clarity. Go below that episode title that and look below the episode description. I'm also gonna have the link posted right there for your convenience. ah next Until next time, stay durable, stay self-led, and remember that your greatest leadership challenge is what is the one happening inside your own heart.

33:44.69

Jonathan Guerrero

We'll see you in the next episode.