Alan watts, a writer and 20th century philosopher once wrote:

“Why don’t you really know what you want? There are two reasons that you don’t really know what you want. Number one: you already have it. Number two: you don’t know yourself, because you never can. The Godhead is never an object of its own knowledge, just as a knife doesn’t cut itself, fire doesn’t burn itself, light doesn’t illuminate itself.”

To summarize… it's not your job to understand, know, and control everything. The sooner you accept and surrender to this… you are truly free.