Welcome back to another episode of Dancing With Depression.

I want to start with a quick update on where I stand after several months of being off my anxiety and depression medication. I’m happy to say that some small but meaningful improvements have shown up—I’m taking more showers, and when my laundry is done drying, I actually fold it and put it away. Small wins matter.

But it hasn’t all been easy. Anxiety still creeps in—especially at work—and depression still rears its ugly head. The toughest part is, I rarely recognize it in the moment. For example, not too long ago, I told Bobbie I was thinking about selling everything in my man cave—my vinyl records, my favorite movie posters, and even my sports jerseys. Bobbie gently asked if it was really what I wanted, or if it was my depression talking. After some reflection, I realized she was right—it was depression.

That moment connects to another experience I had while listening to music. A lyric jumped out at me: “But I can’t be your only remedy; tryin’ to save you, gon’ kill me.” It’s from the song “Dear Alcohol” by Dax, with that line sung by Carly Pearl in the remix. If you haven’t heard it, go check it out—you won’t be disappointed. That lyric stood out to me because of a specific conversation Bobbie and I had just a few weeks prior. 

Which brings me to today’s episode. What you’re about to hear is a conversation between Bobbie & I, which took place two months after the initial conversation where Bobbie so accurately describes it as “Giving it to me…” a very difficult—but necessary—moment where Bobbie shared where she was in our relationship: what she was missing, and what she needed if I couldn’t provide it. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to listen to, but it was also honest and truthful. And yes, it happened on my birthday—but for me, that was just a coincidence that showed how important it was for her to get it out.

So, with that context, let’s jump in.

In the last episode, I invited you to walk in my shoes as I shared what it was like to stop taking medication cold turkey. This time, I want to turn things around. Today, I invite you to walk in the shoes of my wife, Bobbie. She’ll be sharing her perspective on what it’s like to live with—and love—someone with a mental health diagnosis. She’ll talk about the challenges she’s faced, what she needed in order to keep supporting me, and how she decided whether our foundation was strong enough to withstand the tornado of my anxiety and depression.

Before we begin, let me tell you a little about Bobbie. She spends her days caring for patients as a dental hygienist. Now, I know some of you might cringe just thinking about going to the dentist, but trust me—there’s something different, something special, about Bobbie’s abilities. And I’m not just saying that because I’m her husband. The patient reviews back it up. And besides, I’m not just her husband—I’m also her patient.

Over our 9 ½ years of marriage, one thing has become clear: Bobbie doesn’t speak just to fill the silence. When she shares something, it’s because she’s thought it through. So when she told me she had something important to share, I knew I needed to pay attention.

And the truth is, Bobbie’s knowledge in this area has always been ahead of mine. While I can clear out a sports-related Jeopardy category, she’s the one who has the science and chemistry answers locked down. I still can’t pronounce half of the prescriptions I’ve been on, but she sounds like a pharmacist.

Her compassion and understanding carried us far, but eventually, she reached a point where she needed to ask me directly: was I going to stay in survival mode, or was I ready to put in the work—for us?

This is that conversation, recorded two months after that pivotal moment. Let’s listen.
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Start of audio DWD S2 E3 – A Partners Perspective 2 of 3

I think you mean what happened that I decided to have the conversation. What put me over the edge. don't know what put me over the edge, but I just felt like I care about our relationship and if it was gonna continue, it couldn't continue to go on the way that it was. I couldn't continue like we were and I care enough that I wanna address it and not let it die. And so we're obviously addressing my anxiety and depression and you know, I think we've talked about this, that we show what we want to show. And there's things that you're dealing with that I might not have realized in the moment. So what are some of the things that you deal with? ⁓ The conversation was just a check-in. I think if you are not open and honest with your partner, then you don't really have a relationship. So if I'm not telling you how I feel...

What are we doing? And it was kind of where I was at. I couldn't continue to do what, quote, we were doing, because we weren't doing. I was struggling alone, trying to hold everything in, because you were dealing with stuff. And I didn't want to put my stuff on you and make things worse.

But at the same time, if you're not checking in with your partner, then you're essentially abandoning them. It's everybody's responsibility as part of a partnership to be there and be honest and be open. And I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I was struggling with my own independence and trying to meet your needs and your desires of how things go financially and autonomy and all different kinds of things in a relationship and I feel like I'm a pretty independent person and I'm probably not as nice as I should be and not as thoughtful and I just want to do what I want to do so it takes a lot of work to be a good partner the one that I would want for myself and the one that I would want you to have, the one that you deserve. So on your birthday, I decided to tell you how horrible our relationship was in the current state. We joke, I mean, we laugh about it, but I think, you know, I think the most, one of the most important things is this happened on a day that was my birthday, but it's not how it's planned, right? It's just, that's when it came to a boil. It wasn't like you woke up and you're like, you know what? How can I find a way to screw his birthday up? Just a background. mean, I did something that I wasn't supposed to do and I had to live with my actions. I went and asserted my own personal beliefs about using a credit card and buying something that I wanted, that I value because I was in a bad place emotionally.

I needed to assert myself. I needed to do what I needed to do to survive. And it's not the way that you're comfortable using credit cards. And I know that. And we're a partnership. So we're not supposed to do anything that makes the other uncomfortable. But I felt like it was an act of survival for me to do that and go against you and not care that you didn't like it and to tell you that I did it against your wishes because I needed to do it for me in order to survive in that moment.

And I needed you to push back. That's what I think a lot of people are missing. If you're not sharing and you're not open and you're not honest, sometimes you just need to feel like you're not alone. Fast forward, I returned of my own volition all of the jewelry. I undid what I did and I didn't do it for you. I did it because I was taking care of myself.

And I needed to figure out why I was feeling like I needed to do that for myself.

I ruined your birthday and we went on and we had a fabulous birthday but I found you again. I lost you. You weren't with me. I wasn't sharing with you because I was trying to protect you from all t...