Do you think you’re a good listener? Are you really hearing what your partner is saying? How can active listening help you to work through conflict?

In this podcast episode, Billy and Brandy Eldridge talk about active listening and how to work through conflict resolution in a relationship.

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In This Podcast

Summary

* Shut down or blow up?

* Frustration

* Active listening

Shut down or blow up?

Draw a line with an arrow on each end. One end is pointing towards shutting down and the other towards blowing up. In the middle of that is learning and listening. That’s the window of tolerance. Billy found himself withdrawing, shutting down, and not listening to Brandy’s pain and frustration. He felt powerless and couldn’t fix it, but he wasn’t hearing that Brandy didn’t want him to fix it, she just needed him to hear her, empathize, and resonate with her frustration.

Frustration

It feels to Brandy as though Billy’s work and priorities are number one and she constantly has to readjust her plans. She’s working 40 hours a week with three kids at home and it is getting frustrating. The kids are getting frustrated too. Billy acknowledges that Brandy isn’t just putting the kids in front of the TV, there are so many things that she is doing to keep the machine that is their family going. He thanks Brandy for that, appreciates her and apologizes for when he doesn’t show it. That’s all Brandy needed – validation and understanding.

Active listening

When it comes to fostering a connection between people, it is mandatory when it comes to resolving conflict. You will never fully, mutually, resolve a conflict unless you employ active listening because someone’s going to be left feeling resentful, unheard, they’re going to have to stuff it… unless you put this stuff in play and it’s a life skill anybody can use.

Being a good, active listener, is the crux of everything. It is the crux for solving conflict, validating another human being, especially the ones you care for most in life. Whatever your profession you have to be mindful of that. Everyone needs to be heard.

* Start with understanding that your whole mission in active listening is to listen with the intent to understand the other person.

* Listen more than you talk.

* Let the speaker finish before you respond.

We often listen to respond, we’re thinking about what we’re going to say in response instead of letting their words “marinate” and absorbing them.

Clarifying

Clarifying is very important. It’s inviting the person you’re talking to, to explain some aspect of what they’re saying to make sure that you are really getting it. E.g. Billy says that what he hears Brandy telling him is that she is frustrated being at home and is overwhelmed with the kids, instead of defending why he thinks he’s being attacked. Clarify, don’t defend.

Paraphrasing