The accusation of “weaponizing sex” loomed over me my entire marriage. Every headache, backache, or just not in the mood, I worried I’d be accused. Every cold, flu, and pregnancy, I feared I would be called abusive for “using sex as a weapon” against my husband.

And then I discovered “excuses” as in, “oh well if you’re actually sick, that’s a valid excuse.” But this meant I had better make sure I was sick and not just feeling sick because otherwise I would be “withholding” sex.

But when I got to TikTok and started talking about sexual coercion as abuse, I had what I now understand was a claircognitive knowing about all of this. I knew, without reason or research, that this accusation was a form of sexual coercion. I couldn’t explain it yet, but it would later come to me through thousands of conversations with people about this so-called weaponizing of sex.

What do people mean when they say this?

So far, I can count on one hand the number of people who use this term who can give me a real world example. Very few respond at all when I probe them, “Give me an example, tell me exactly what weaponizing sex looks like.”

* Refusing Sex - most often people will describe someone who is not willing to perform sexually, someone not turned on, not aroused, not consenting. They use words like refuse and deny to describe this “behavior”. It’s bad behavior. Abuse, even. To this I’ll ask…

* Why do you feel abused when you don’t have sex?

* Have you talked to a professional about why you feel this way?

* Who taught you that sex validates you and your relationship?

* Do you think this worldview makes your partner more attracted to you or less?

* False Promises - When challenged on this point they’ll change to something like, “Well, they promise me sex in exchange for chores,” to which I ask…

* Why do they need to promise sexual favors to get you to perform basic life skills?

* Why do you withhold chores until they have sex with you?

* Punishment - Some will call it punishment when a woman is angry with her husband and is very naturally turned off to sex now. Men will say, “You can’t just withhold because you’re mad.” They fully expect a woman to still “give” him sex despite being mad and if she doesn’t do it, she’s punishing him. She’s weaponizing sex “against” him. The same questions from above apply, and also…

* Do you know that it’s normal for someone not to desire someone sexually when they’re angry with them?

* Do you really want her to “do it anyway” even though she’s not feeling intimate?

* Are you able to enjoy sex when you know she doesn’t want it?

What experts mean

From Clear Vision Psychotherapy:

* Withholding sex as punishment: One partner refuses intimacy to manipulate or punish the other, creating a power imbalance.

* Using sex as a bargaining chip: Sex becomes conditional, offered only in exchange for favors, gifts, or certain behaviors, which reduces intimacy to a transactional act.

* Manipulating emotions through sex: Using intimacy to smooth over conflicts or avoid addressing deeper issues can leave the partner on the receiving end feeling confused and emotionally manipulated.

Notice how they’re saying the same thing but from the other perspective. In the other perspective sex is the default and not having sex means something is wrong. We have a long history of prioritizing the person who wants sex and scolding or pathologizing the person who doesn’t.

How we blame ourselves

We’re so conditioned to believe sex is something we do to show love and not share love, we gaslight ourselves to believe we’re weaponizing sex.

The CHADIE foundation posted an anonymous story from a woman who “weaponized sex” in her marriage and she describes “putting conditions” on their sex life.

If I wasn’t happy, we weren’t going to be intimate or have sex.

She was hurting her husband by pushing him to perform at work because she was unhappy in the marriage, but sex was genuinely something she didn’t want to do. She wasn’t weaponizing it. She simply didn’t want it.

This is where people believe sex is being weaponized—but it’s not. She doesn’t know she’s allowed to not have sex when she doesn’t want to. She promises sex because it’s what women are told to do. She’s told to offer sex another time if she’s not in the mood now. So she extends sexual olive branches in moments when she hopes it will make things better. Society doesn’t allow her to address the fact that she’s not happy in the marriage and even tells her more sex will make it better. When it doesn’t, she acts out in other ways.

Sex has been weaponized against her, and in the end, she turns on everyone around her in self defense.

What’s really happening?

Very few women are deliberately trying to hurt their partner and using sex to do it. Most often, “punishment” is only anger and frustration killing her desire. Even if she was previously in the mood, she can no longer be aroused now that there’s a hindrance like an argument or other libido killer at play.

Women aren’t “using” sex to get things from men. They’re making a bid for attention knowing sex is the only way to reach him. When sex is repeatedly made to be a thing she has to do for him, she learns—much like Pavlov’s dog—that to get that sweet affectionate man back, she has to perform sexual favors for him.

She learns that his mood is determined by her sexual generosity. The more often she does it, the less angry he is and the more pleasant her home. The more sexually satisfied he is, the less often he yells at her and the kids. If she just gives him a quick b******b, maybe he won’t be in a bad mood tonight.

Men encourage this

Despite their complaints, men are not actually against women performing sexual favors in exchange for other things. Men tell women, wake your man up with sex and he’ll do whatever you want for that day. Here you can see me calling this out on Threads.

This isn’t coming from women. They’re doing what they think men want. The trouble comes when she changes her mind and decides she doesn’t actually want to have sex. Many women don’t understand their own libido, so they don’t know this manipulative behavior from their husband is the very thing turning them off. They feel guilty when he accuses her of “weaponizing” sex.

How to talk about this responsibly

Having talked about this since 2020, I’ve moved through different phases of healing to arrive at a healthy place to discuss this, so here are some tips as you move in these conversations.

* Remove gender - I try to use they/them pronouns as much as possible to keep the conversation neutral. Most often, it is husband against wife, but wherever it makes sense, I remove he and she from the conversation.

* Focus on a non-sexual outcome - This seems counterintuitive, but as we talk about sex, there’s a much bigger issue at play. Sex is only a small part of our intimate connection with another person. Ultimately, we’re not talking about two people having more sex. We’re talking about two people who once didn’t need sex to enjoy each other. They did once enjoy their partner’s laugh, and long talks on the phone. Try to get back there. If someone is continuously pushing for sex, this is likely someone abusive, for whom sex was in fact the reason they got married.

* Err on the side of good intent - Unless I’m talking to men who are toxic and abusive, I assume everyone means well. No one is actively trying to weaponize sex and the accusation will make it worse. Healing starts with stopping the accusation and getting curious about WHY someone doesn’t want sex.

* Talk about sexual health - Talk about what actually drives libido in the first place? What makes you turned on? Do you even know? Has sex ever been pleasurable or has it always been something you did for someone else? In the reverse, has sex ever been something you enjoy mutually with someone, or is it something you get from someone? And what is sex? How do you know it’s sex and that you’ve had it? It may seem silly, but you can’t have a conversation about it if you don’t know how it all works.

Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski

What weaponizing sex really looks like

Sex can’t be a weapon if a person can still consent to it. If something is hindering consent, then sex is a weapon. Sexual coercion is weaponizing sex, and here’s how that happens:

* Using guilt trips to make your partner give in to sex they don’t want

* Offering gifts or trips or even chores as payment for sex

* Threatening to cheat or end the relationship if you don’t get more sex

* Holding the mortgage, rent, grocery money or other financial favor over them to get sex

* Making fun of your partner to friends and family for being “frigid”

* Keeping track of how often you have sex to guilt them into doing it more often

* Getting angry and withdrawing affection because they said no

These are just a few examples, but you see the point. Trying to “get” sex in any way that’s not genuinely trying to form real connection and instead uses consequences to coerce sex is not just weaponizing, but it’s actually the thing killing their libido.

Final Question

And one final question that almost always stops a conversation dead:

Why do you want to sleep with someone you believe is abusing you by weaponizing sex?

There is no good reason for wanting to engage sexually with someone you think is abusing you. So if you believe someone is weaponizing sex, the best thing you can do for yourself—and your relationship—is to JUST SAY NO.

Get my one sheet on marital coercion…

This is a PDF you can download for FREE and share with anyone you like. If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual coercion, check out maritalcoercion.com and thehotline.org for more information. You may also want to seek out a trauma informed therapist who will better understand sexual assault and its affects on your body and mind.

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