Today's message, “Are we addicted to love?”

In many cases, a person who has been in one unhealthy romantic relationship in their life, will engage in a few more, and others may gasp and say, “Why does this person keep selecting these bad romantic partners?”

Let’s dig beneath the surface for why any person, male or female, gay or heterosexual, might decide to remain in a relationship that is controlling, emotionally or physically abusive. We know a few reasons, like culture’s expectations for what a family “should” look like. Or, partners who decide to stay together for the “sake of the kids.”

In Robin Norwood’s groundbreaking novel, “Women who love too much,” she laid out 15 possible causes that may drive women into seeking unhealthy relationships with men, although gender aside, this can go either way.

So what does “Women who love too much” mean? What is “Love addiction,” why does it happens and is it learned?  Let’s read a few examples from the list of 15 possible causes.

Robin Norwood writes,

1.   Typically, you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.

Now the author isn’t necessarily describing that the unmet emotional need was for love and affection, that could be a part of it, but that’s not necessarily the case. I have a client, who has agreed I may share this story, under the moniker, Jane.  Jane recalls at the age of 6 or 7 sitting at the dinner table and witnessing her father fall out of his chair in a drunken stupor. He landed in a thud on the floor. Jane asked her mom what was wrong with her dad and her mom replied, “Nothing is wrong, your Dad is fine, I’m going to help him into his chair, finish your dinner.” Jane felt frightened because what she was seeing didn't equate what she was being told by her mom  was actually happening. Jane felt confused, sad and  experienced guilt for even asking the question. These are the same feelings Jane would chase later in life in her romantic relationships.

2.   Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver especially to men who appear in some way needy.

Robin Norwood writes that you, “might necessarily be attracted to the penniless or in ill health…” perhaps your love interest, “is unable to relate well to others, is cold, unaffectionate, stubborn, selfish…or perhaps wild, unfaithful and unable to make a commitment and be faithful.”

Our background might determine how we respond to the neediness. Robin writes, “But respond we will, with the conviction that this person needs our help, our compassion, and our wisdom in order to improve their life.”

When we understand the underbelly of love addiction, it make a lot of sense.  Partners aren’t chasing bad relationships or using poor judgment, their inner child is simply still on the search to receive care by giving care to others.

So how do we break this cycle? Well, awareness is key but unfortunately, most of us are unaware until our situation becomes so dire we have no way out other than to awaken.

Once we awaken to our true selves, we can heal our wounds and step into our power by begin cultivating the needs we must develop in order to be free from searching for our opposites to complete ourselves. 

It is then that we recognize we were enough all along.

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