Photo by Marek Piwnicki

There is a question I learned to ask the hard way, not from a textbook, not from a training, not from a supervisor sitting across from me in a clinical consultation room. I learned it from living inside the consequences of not asking it soon enough from watching credentials hang on walls, licenses get renewed, professional websites get updated, and business cards get handed to me by people whose hearts were not postured toward my good. People whose souls I never thought to examine before I signed anything, agreed to anything, or trusted them with anything. So before we go any further, I want to give you the two questions that should precede every relationship you enter from this point forward, not just romantic relationships. Every relationship.

What is the posture of this person’s heart?

What is the character of their soul?

These questions are not just for survivors of domestic violence, though the Lord knows we needed them first. These questions are for anyone who has ever been harmed by someone they trusted in a professional capacity.

A doctor, an attorney. an employer, a counselor, a mentor, a spiritual leader, abusiness partner, a friend, a colleague. Anyone who came into your life carrying a title, a license, a credential, or simply a warm smile and a convincing story about who they were. Because here is what those institutions did not fully account for when they handed out those credentials: a license certifies competency in a skill set. It does not certify the condition of a person’s heart. It does not assess the character of their soul. It tells you what someone can do. It tells you nothing definitive about what they will do when no one is watching, when there is money involved, when there is pressure applied, or when they are asked to choose between your wellbeing and their own interests. A lot of fields need to begin doing more rigorous assessment of those two things before they bring anyone into positions of power over vulnerable people. We are not there yet. Which means the responsibility, for now, falls on you and on me.

So how do you assess it?

You give it time.

That is the part we skip. We are in a hurry because we are in pain. We are in a hurry because we need help. We are in a hurry because they seem so right, so aligned, so much like what we prayed for. We sign the agreements. We open the door. We disclose the tender places. We trust before we have given time enough to show us who we are dealing with. Time is the only honest assessor of character. A person can curate a website. They can build a following. They can carry every licensure their field offers. They can speak your language, use your vocabulary, mirror your values back to you in an intake conversation. But time, time will show you whether what they presented was the truth of who they are or a performance designed to gain your access. Give it time before you sign anything. Give it time before you disclose anything irreplaceable. Give it time before you hand over the keys to any part of your life, your health, your finances, your legal standing, or your story.

This is not cynicism. This is discernment.

There is a difference. Cynicism says no one can be trusted. Discernment says trust must be earned through observable pattern over time, and until it is, you watch. You pay attention. You notice the incongruences between what someone says and what they do. You notice whether their presence brings you clarity or confusion. You notice whether you feel more like yourself around them or less. You notice whether they honor your no, your boundary, your pace, your questions. The soul reveals itself. It always does. Your job is not to rush the revelation. Your job is to slow down long enough to receive it. Ask yourself before every relationship you enter personal, professional, therapeutic, spiritual, business, employer, employee, client, provider, friend, partner ask yourself these two questions.

What is the posture of this person’s heart?

What is the character of their soul?

Give it time.

See them clearly.

Name what you see.

Move accordingly.

Written from the lived experience of a licensed counselor, survivor, and Watchwoman.

Inspire Your Mind Body & Spirit, LLC

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