Friendships are fantastic aren’t they? But how often do we come at this whole friendship thing with a rank consumer mindset – asking what’s in it for me? May be the question we need to be asking is … what sort of a friend am I?

 

The Friend Who Failed

We have been chatting these last few weeks about the whole subject of friendship. It isn’t something we talk about that often; it’s something we kind of … I don’t know, take for granted. And yet friendship, relationship, love, sacrifice are at the very centre of God’s plan for this world.

As we have seen over these last few weeks, God looked at Adam when He created him and He said, "Hey, it’s not good that this man should be alone. I’ll make him a helper as his partner." Why? Because you and I are made in the image of God – God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit – three persons in one God; a God of relationship and community and of love for all eternity.

I have heard some people postulate that the reason God created us – you and me – was that He got lonely. God was never lonely because God is three persons in one and that’s a mystery that I think we will spend the rest of eternity wrapping our minds around. No, God created us so that He could show us His great love; so that we could behold His glory. That’s why God created us. And He created us in His image. Genesis chapter 1, verses 26 and 27:

God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness.” So God created man in his image; in the image of God he created us, male and female he created us.

See, we have been created in the image of a relational God, “… male and female he created us.” But although we are created in His image, there is one big difference between us and God … one difference that God allowed to happen in order that we should have a free will – either to love Him or not to love Him – for without freewill, love can’t be love. As A.W. Tozer writes in his book, “The Pursuit of God”:

You and I are in little (our sins excepted) what God is in large. Being made in His image we have within us the capacity to know Him. In our sins we simply lack the power.

You see, our sin is what sets us apart from God, in more ways than one. And our sin means that our capacity for love and friendship and relationship is marred; twisted and often perverted. That’s why people have arguments and disagreements. That’s why marriages fall apart. That’s why beatings happen. That’s why exploitation happens. That’s why wars happen.

Because through our rebellion against God – and that’s precisely what sin is – we lose the ability to live together, to work together, to honour one another in perfect love and perfect relationships, as God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit honour and love one another in the perfect relationship that we call “God”. You see this time and time again throughout the Bible.

Over the past few weeks we have talked a lot about the friendship between Jonathan – King Saul’s son – and the heir to the throne of Israel, David. Now Jonathan eventually gave his life in order to be David’s friend but only because Saul’s sense of friendship and loyalty became so twisted and so perverted and so jealous that he set his heart on killing David, whom God Himself had chosen to be the next king after Saul. Why? Because Saul was jealous of David’s success and popularity. Have a listen to this – First Samuel chapter 18, beginning at verse 5:

David went out and was successful wherever Saul sent him; as a result, Saul set him over the army. And all the people, even the servants of Saul, approved. As they were coming home, when David returned from killing the Philistine, the women came out of all the towns of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with songs of joy, and with musical instruments. And the women sang to one another as they made merry, “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” Saul was very angry, for this saying displeased him. He said, “They have ascribed to David tens of thousands, and to me they have ascribed thousands; what more can he have but the kingdom?” So Saul eyed David from that day on.

The next day an evil spirit from God rushed upon Saul, and he raved within his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he did day by day. Saul had his spear in his hand; and Saul threw the spear, for he thought, “I will pin David to the wall.” But David eluded him twice.

Saul was afraid of David, because the Lord was with him but had departed from Saul. So Saul removed him from his presence, and made him a commander of a thousand; and David marched out and came in, leading the army. David had success in all his undertakings; for the Lord was with him.”

Do you see how our own selfishness and pride and anger, births something in our hearts that unlocks a powerful evil in the spiritual dimension? Do you see how our sinful nature and our thoughts can lead to a breakdown in God’s perfect plan for perfect love and unity and friendship? See, this is why friends fail; this is why sometimes people turn against us – because their sinful thoughts and desires have unlocked a spirit of evil that grips them and leads them to sinful acts.

And whilst we might say, "Well, yea, right, this is a bit extreme here. I have never tried to kill anyone with my spear before today," have a listen to another example – a much more recent one. One that happened about a thousand years later after this Saul/David incident, in the first century AD; one that a few of us may well relate to just a bit more closely. It comes from the Book of Acts chapter 15, beginning at verse 32:

Judas and Silas, who were themselves prophets, said much to encourage and strengthen the believers. After they had been there for some time, they were sent off in peace by the believers to those who had sent them. But Paul and Barnabas remained in Antioch, and there, with many others, they taught and proclaimed the word of the Lord.

After some days, Paul said to Barnabas, “Come, let us return and visit the believers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take with them John also called Mark. But Paul decided not to take with them one who had deserted them in Pamphylia and who had not accompanied them in the work. This disagreement became so sharp that they parted company; Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and set out, the believers commending him to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”

You know what we have just witnessed there? The very first church split. Paul and Barnabas had this big argument and they went their separate ways. Let me ask you – can you imagine God the Father, God the Son and the Holy Spirit doing that? Nooooo! But Paul and Barnabas did – even though they had been through a huge amount together in ministry already, in the name of the Lord. Why? Why didn’t they go to God and ask God to reveal what they should do and which way they should go and whom they should take? Perhaps God wanted them to go their separate ways. So why didn’t they figure that out and do that in love? Why did they have to have an argument? Why did they have to have a fight?

Because we as friends, sometimes get on our high horses and we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. See, friends are supposed to make us stronger. Friends encourage us; friends help us … friends help us see when we are operating in pride rather than for God’s glory. Friends are invaluable. But if Satan … if he can get in there and create merry hell, literally, by pulling us apart, you see, he wins a small victory along the way.

That’s why the stuff we have been talking about these last few weeks is so important. That’s why learning godly friendship; learning to take up our cross and follow Jesus into godly relationships is so powerfully important. Friends are going to fail us sometimes but that failure is not something that we should allow to tear us apart, because if we do, the enemy wins.

And so later we are going to allow God’s Word to become … well, something of a mirror to our faces, as we ask ourselves, "What sort of a friend am I?" Because I think what happens is that all too often, we look at this whole friendship thing through a consumer mindset. We look at people, friends, potential friends and what we are really thinking is, "If I have this person as a friend, hey, what’s in it for me?" And yet, I’m not sure that is quite the question Jesus had in mind. What sort of a friend am I? What sort of a friend are you?

 

What Sort of Friend Am I?

As our time over these past few weeks, talking about friendship, draws to a bit of a close, my hunch is that one question we need to be asking ourselves is, "What sort of a friend am I?" Am I the sort of friend that Jonathan was? We have chatted about him a few times these past weeks. He was King Saul’s son and even though he may have been next in line for the throne, he protected God’s anointed successor, David, from his murderous father and in the end that cost him his life. Or am I more like Saul, Jonathan’s father – prone to jealousy and anger and outrage and revenge, against the very people who have saved my skin in the past? Or am I somewhere in between those two?

I think these are really important questions because they go to our character; they go to who we are; they go to whether other people can trust us as their friends or whether they have to watch their backs when we are around. If someone took a poll of the people you are close to – at work, at church, at home, amongst your social group – if someone were to ask all those people what sort of a friend are you, what would they say? Trustworthy or not; there when they needed you, or not; encouraging or not; honouring or not?

Right now we are going to kind of hold a mirror up to our faces, you and I and ask ourselves, "What sort of a friend am I?" See, some people deceive us. What they purport to be on the outside is not what they are on the inside. What they say to your face is not what they say behind your back. That wonderful line from the British comedy series “Yes, Prime Minister”, when the wise, old civil servant, Sir Humphrey Appleby, says to his young protégé, Bernard Woolly:

Remember Bernard, you have to get behind someone before you can stab them in the back.

That sums up those sorts of people and I’ve gotta tell you, there are plenty of them walking around planet earth right now. They are the kind of ‘Judas’ friend. Luke chapter 22, beginning at verse 1:

Now the festival of Unleavened Bread, which is called the Passover, was near. The chief priests and the scribes were looking for a way to put Jesus to death, for they were afraid of the people. Then Satan entered into Judas called Iscariot, who was one of the twelve; he went away and conferred with the chief priests and officers of the temple police about how he might betray Jesus to them. They were greatly pleased and agreed to give him money. So he consented and began to look for an opportunity to betray Jesus to them when no crowd was present.

May I ask you quietly but directly: Are you a Judas kind of friend? Because if we are, then our relationships are going to be few and far between. People won’t trust us enough to allow us to be their friends. We need to be trustworthy in order to have influence in peoples lives. And they need to know that we are going to be acting in their best interests and by and large, friendship … friendship is about influence.

One of the rudest shocks I have ever experienced in my life is the transition from life in the military back into "civvy street". See, things were pretty simple in the Army: everybody had a rank, you exactly where you stood and that was it. By and large, the system worked pretty well, although, it was a culture we kind of took for granted.

Then when I left the military I became a consultant – working in organisations where, not only did these "civvies" just did not "get it" but as an advisor, I had no executive authority. I couldn’t decide to do something and then just tell people to do that thing. I could only advise and cajole and guide … it was like herding cats. It was in that place that the difference between influence and control hit me in the face like a wet fish.

At first, I hated it but it wasn’t long and I began to realise that, right from the beginning, even in the wonderful structured and organised world of the military, leadership had always been much more about influence than control. That’s where my mentor of twenty years, Graham Pratt, the Managing Director of our consulting firm, taught me the single most important lesson about influence. It’s a lesson I still get to apply every day of my life, decades on. Here it is:

When people are able to trust us because we genuinely put their interests first, it is just amazing how influential we become.

And influence is the currency of friendship. See, Graham, in our company, established a culture that demanded that we always – irrespective of the circumstances – acted, first and foremost, in the interest of our clients.

Now, that was a pretty gutsy move, as I look back on it. I can remember on more than one occasion, that principle costing us tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars in ongoing work. Ouch! We would often sit around the meeting table in the office, chatting about giving the client some piece of difficult advice and time and time again, as we debate the relative merits of good advice to the client verses the potential negative impact on our own organisation’s revenues and how we might mitigate that, Graham would bring us back to that principle that drove all that we did – the client comes first, second and third and everything else comes last.

As time went by, our consulting firm developed and grew because we had an enviable reputation for always providing the hard advice to the client in the best interest of the client. The end result of that was that our firm grew from a small back-room outfit to a substantial practice that worked internationally for some of the largest companies on the planet.

What was going on here? Well, I’ll tell you what was going on: we developed a great influence with our clients because they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they could trust us to act in their best interests, no matter what. Well, did we always get it right? No, of course we didn’t but we always gave advice without fear or favour that was in the best interest of the client.

See, Graham is now long retired, but this piece of wisdom of his is a gem that has blessed me over and over and over again. It was the key, if you will, that opened my understanding of what influence is all about. Of course, there is nothing new in any of this. It just took me a while to figure it out.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility regard others better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something he should exploit, but instead he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness; being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death – even death on a cross. (Philippians 2:3-8)

See, that’s God’s wisdom – putting other people first is God’s wisdom. Serving them with all that we are is God’s wisdom. Sacrificing for our friends is God’s wisdom. A friend in need is a friend indeed. And the sort of friend that people are looking for in this world isn’t a "Judas" kind of friend; it’s the "Jesus" kind of friend. It’s the kind of friend that would humble themselves, even to the point of death, on a cross; someone whose life declares the powerful truth of the love of Jesus Christ; someone who will put their interests before their own interests; someone who will lay down their life for a friend.

Because let me tell you: there is no greater love than this, than to lay down your life for a friend – that’s the Jesus paradigm of friendship; that’s the Jesus paradigm of sacrificing and suffering so that we can discover rich friendship. And it’s when we learn to forgive a friend freely that we build close relationships. It’s this sort of friend that your friends are crying out for; it’s this sort of friend that they had never thought they can find.

Let me ask you a question – are you such a friend? Will they find the "Jesus" friendship in you? Well?

 

The Friendship Surprise

I don’t know about you but I pretty much like getting my own way – it’s our natural, human response to things, isn’t it? We interact with other people and they come at things from a different angle, with different perspectives and so we disagree with them. And that’s how disagreements start – that’s how friendships fall apart; that’s even how wars start. And it’s this lack of an ability to give up our own way for the sake of a relationship that the devil likes to exploit. We have our agenda and so we set about making it happen, despite what it might cost those around us – despite the relationships it might destroy.

Learning not to get my own way all the time, has been a process; a journey. And it continues to be a work in progress for God in my heart to teach me to come second. And here’s the weird thing – the really bizarre thing for someone like me – there is such an amazing - what would you call it – sense of satisfaction, in coming second; in laying down our own petty agendas for God’s glory.

I’m not saying that to make out like I’m some great guy. I am not! The point I guess I am trying to make is that, friendship God’s way is such an amazing surprise package. It is so rich to be able to forgive someone and lay down our own lives. It is something I simply would never in a million years, have expected – it’s like a treasure trove. And when we open it up it’s full of surprises and all the time, there it was in God’s Word.

We saw earlier when we talked about the fact that Jesus lay down His life for us. Philippians 2:1:

If there is any encouragement in Christ; any consolation from love; any sharing of the spirit; any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourself. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.

Do you see the foundations that God is laying for friendship? It’s a foundation of coming second in order to win. And now He explains what it’s all about. Remember we read about Jesus having laid down His life – He didn’t want to cling on to being God; He was! Instead, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death; even death on a cross:

And therefore, God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every other name, so that in the name of Jesus every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of the Father.

Do you see how God’s idea of losing in order to win is the basis of true friendship? Jesus humbled Himself and suffered and died so that you and I could be God’s friends; His children. And because He didn’t insist on His own entitlement and His status as the Son of God; because He laid down His life for His friends – you and me – what?

Therefore God highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every other name.

Friend, this is the secret of true friendship, godly friendship. The sort of friendship that is rich and lasting and pure and rewarding; the sort of friendship that you and I were made to live out, laying down our lives as Jesus laid down His life in order that we can put the interests of others first.

And truly, the greatest people in my life are the ones who have done just that. As I picture their faces – these people who loved me, when what I really deserved was rejection, in my heart their greatness lives on. They are the greatest people in my life because they were my friends in the dark times, because instead of rejecting me, they counselled me, they helped me and they loved me, because they were Jesus to me.

No greater love has anyone than to lay down their life for a friend. What sort of a friend are you? What sort of love do you share with the people around you? What sort of a witness is your life, and mine, of the love of Christ, in the lives of the people we live with? What sort of a friend are we?