Show Notes:

We have been talking about how to know when you have “done” the work of healing from trauma and stress-related concerns. We have touched on what to look for to let you know that you are through the thick of it, as well as what comes next to maintain the gains you’ve worked so hard for. Today, we are focusing in on the last major piece of the puzzle that comes when you have done the hard work of healing. To tell you about it, I am going to quote from Judith Herman’s book, Trauma and Recovery, which is known as one of the foundational works on trauma therapy and from which most trauma therapies are based. In the book, Judith proposes a 3 stage model for treating trauma – stage one involves building safety, which includes coping skills, reducing actual risk, and supporting people in their ability to regulate their emotions and feel safer in themselves. Stage two is about processing, reconciling what has happened to who we see ourselves as. And stage three, is about reconnecting to the world. Now, as we have gone through the process of healing and growing and refining, we are different, and the people we will want and need around us will likely change too. Here is what she says in her opening paragraph about this final stage:

“Having come to terms with the traumatic past, the survivor faces the task of creating a future. She has mourned the old self that the trauma destroyed; now she must develop a new self. Her relationships have been tested and forever changed by the trauma; now she must develop new relationships. The old beliefs that gave meaning to her life have been challenged; now she must find anew a sustaining faith. These are the tasks of the third stage of recovery. In accomplishing this work, the survivor reclaims her world.”

When living in trauma, we are often living in connections that either contributed to perpetrating the trauma, or were salient figures in supporting us to stay the same in our trauma. Especially when trauma started early in life, it has been an embedded part of who we become and the people we bring into our lives only know us as that person. That person who fears conflict and doesn’t tend to stand up for themselves. That person who learned to people please and bends themselves over backwards for others. That person who learned to be a grown up as a kid and hyper-functions making everyone else around them able to take a backseat while they do all the things for everyone. 

Even when our trauma comes later in life, we are shaped by it and the relationships we craft and create are invariably shaped by it too. Relationships with people who knew us before our trauma may experience distancing, confusion, hurt around how we’ve been changed. Trust is often damaged. The sense of safety within the relationship is often wounded. 

The process of healing brings awareness to how we are in and with ourselves, but also how we are with others…and how they are with us. We start to see places where we need boundaries to protect ourselves from those that routinely hurt us. We start to notice places where we are routinely hurting others. We try on new ways of being and interacting, and sometimes people in our lives embrace this, but often they don’t. They are used to us being the version of self we’ve been, and change feels uncomfortable for them. They can not only struggle to accept new and growing versions of us, but actually be pretty aggressively against it. We start to see how people in our lives are invested in us being less healthy versions of ourselves…because it benefits them. Maybe because we do things for them, maybe because it allows them to feel superior, maybe because they don’t know who they are to us if we aren’t needing them to hold us up or fix us anymore. 

For many who have gone through the painful and brave process of healing, the hardest part of the process is realizing that many of the people they are surrounded by contribute to keeping them stuck. Another hard piece is realizing that those who contribute to their health have been hurt by the vicarious impacts of trauma too, and that some of those relationships may have been badly damaged, sometimes beyond repair. 

As we move through the process of healing and come out the other side, one of the big jobs ahead of us is figuring out how we carry our newfound selves into relationships. Both existing relationships that will need to adapt to meet our present selves, as well as new relationships that we will want to grow with intentionality to ensure that they serve who we are NOW rather than finding our way back into old patterns. So, what do we need and how do we do this?

1.      Take an inventory. Look at who is in your life right now. Take some time to really consider each person. Get curious about your relationship with each one. What are they great at? What do they feed in you? What do you bring to that relationship? Is it valued? Are there unhealthy patterns in this relationship that need to be addressed? Is this a person who is open to addressing and adjusting? You will likely discover some key people who will venture forward with you on this journey. You will also likely discover more people who will not. With this discovery come natural grief, and you need to know that this is ok. We may grieve releasing people that we wish could come with us but who we can’t afford to risk our progress for. We may grieve that some of the people we will choose to remain in contact with will never be the kinds of relationships we wish they were – they may need to be highly and rigidly boundaried to protect me while retaining some level of contact. This is often true of some family ties. We may also grieve that we have gone through the work of healing and now are in the position of having to make some of the decisions – we can know that they are better for us and yet not without loss and pain.

2.      Grieve what needs to be grieved. Changes in us invariably lead to changes in our relationships with others. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the harder. As we become people who clarify our needs, set our boundaries and ask for support, we may discover that not everyone in our lives is as excited to get on board and change with us as we hoped. I often tell clients to prepare for this, to know that it will come, so they aren’t surprised by it. Allow room for grief. Grief needs to be felt. Bottling it only delays it and makes it bigger when we finally let it come out, so make room for it and know that it is ok to have it for awhile. 

3.      Enhance the relationships that can grow with you. As you inventory and see who is able and willing to grow with you, invest energy into these people and relationships. Be aware of what you bring to these interactions and to work at keeping this in alignment to the person you are choosing to be. Relationships are the easiest breeding ground for going back to old patterns – they tend to trigger us more easily and elicit from us stronger reactions than just about anything else. Some of the key ways to work at enhancing relationships actually begin within you. 

a.      Being mindful – really setting an intention for interactions and being able to slow things down when they get sticky. 

b.      Being self-aware – really knowing your needs, your limitations and where your lines are. 

c.      And being communicative – really having the skills to share what you are noticing, needing and hoping for.
These skills allow us to support healthy relationship. We recognize that people aren’t mind readers, they don’t know what is going on for us, and t...