BLOG PODS #34 - When Children Blame Themselves #1: Understanding Self-Blame in Childhood Trauma

Introduction

Have you ever wondered why some people blame themselves for things other people did to them; things that are just not their fault? Yeh, me too!

I’ve long since lost count of the number of children I’ve worked with whose lives continue to be blighted, not only by the awful things done to them by others but by an additional burden of blame they lay on themselves.

From the viewpoint of someone who hasn’t suffered in this way, it seems nuts - why on earth would you even think you were responsible for what they did to you, never mind form your self-identity around it and live like you’re doing penance!

But that’s the point - it’s neither a logical response to the trauma nor something our imagined objectivity can help us understand.

Origins of Self-Blame and Internalised Anger

Troubled kids almost always grow up in situations that skew their development. In other words, what ‘happened’ to them is much more than a one-off or episodic event. More usually it’s something that sets and effects the very context in which they grow.

It effects everything.

So a child growing up in an environment lacking in empathy, for example, will develop coping mechanisms to the current situation that persist right through into adulthood. They won’t develop empathy itself in the way children in more stable and loving environments will.

Two problems ensue:

1. The child lacks the huge benefits that empathic parenting affords - for example, good co-regulation, a positive internal working model that they’re valuable and loved, trust for other people, etc.

2. The child doesn’t learn to be empathic towards others. Empathy is not something learned cognitively, like facts or information; it is felt. If you haven’t felt empathy you’re unlikely to develop and be able to show empathy.

Negative narratives of the child

Parents and others who ‘care’ for kids in ways that are abusive, neglectful, inconsistent, etc. often add to their woes by speaking negatively to the child about the child. In other words, parents/carers say things like:

‘You’re a pain in the…’ (fill in the blank)

‘I wish you’d never been born’ or ‘Why were you born?’

‘Can’t you just shut up and leave me alone’

‘I hate you, you make life so…’ (fill in the blank). etc.

You get the idea.

In other words, the child’s narrative of themselves, given to them by the parent, is a blaming narrative in which the child is cast as the protagonist; the problem is not the abusive or inadequate parenting, it’s the child themselves.

So as the child begins to develop language, which in turn drives cognition, they ‘learn’ a sense that they are the problem. They begin to adopt the parent/s narrative for themselves. Some kids will begin to say the same things about themselves that the parent does or, more often in my view, they internalise it, adding to the negative internal working model they formed in the pre-verbal phase of their development. All the self-focused negativity just keeps on being confirmed and consolidated.

So far, so bad

For a child to accept that their caregivers—supposed sources of love and protection—are instead sources of distress can be overwhelming; it’s just too much to take on. To survive emotionally, they may internalise the idea that they are at fault, finding this less terrifying than facing the reality of unsafe family members or caregivers.

As time progresses, this imbibed sense of the self as the problem, will begin to emerge in speech and behaviour that makes them stand out - and not in a good way.

Key points so far:

1. Empathy-Lacking Environments: Children in emotionally dismissive, abusive or hostile environments often resort to self-blame as a coping strategy. They inherit this from the poor attachment piece (internal & non-verbal) and from the caregivers’ overtly negative narrative - what they say about the child (external and verbal).

2. Denial of Emotional Needs: Accepting caregivers' narratives helps children avoid confronting the painful reality of emotional neglect or abuse. Arguably, it’s ‘easier’ for the child to accept themselves as the problem than it is to confront the fact that they have abusive parent/s. This suppresses the child’s emotional need for love and affection from those closest to them.

3. Misplaced Control: Self-blame provides a false sense of control, as children believe changing themselves can prevent further harm. They may become labile, suffering swings of emotion, all the time striving to capture some sense of agency over how they feel and how others treat them - with the obvious problems this brings.

Adaption - The Mechanism Behind Self-Blame

For vulnerable children, realising their powerlessness is unbearable. Self-blame offers an illusion of understanding and control: if they're at fault, they can potentially ‘fix’ themselves and fix ‘it’ (the situation) to avoid further abuse and garner the much sought-after affection.

This flawed mechanism makes ‘sense’ to the child trying to adapt to survive and to curry the favour of those closest to them; it provides a semblance of relative safety in an unpredictable environment.

In this situation, the child has no time or opportunity to settle and become the person he or she really is!

💡 "The child has a primary need to be regarded and respected as the person he really is at any given time, and as the centre—the central actor—in his own activity. This highlights how self-blame arises when a child's authentic self is not recognised or respected.” Alice Miller - Psychiatrist

Consequences of Self-Directed Anger

While self-blame helps the child avoid the realities around them and hold on to the illusion of loving parents, it misdirects anger and confusion inwards. This misdirection leads to a cycle of self-directed aggression, shame and maintains a negative and distorted self-perception.

- Now and later on:

Left untreated, a child in this situation will adapt to survive, but will form a skewed sense of self, believing they are to blame for problems, constantly falling short of expectations and feeling unworthy or unlovable. And so the cycle goes on…

The child takes on the narratives of the abuser/s, both internally and externally.

Some will kick against this toxic mix and display anger, aggression even violence towards others (our prisons are full of people like this).

Others will develop chronic low/negative self-esteem and the internalising of constantly disparaging narratives takes root and bears the poisonous fruit of self-loathing

Later on, these kids become adults who self-blame and may take on excessive responsibility in relationships, accepting blame for issues beyond their control: ‘it must be me’; ‘it’s probably my fault.’

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you work with troubled kids, whatever the setting and whatever your role, you will doubtless recognise many of your service users in this account.

Breaking free from self-blame involves reclaiming your life narrative from distortions sown in the throes of trauma and abuse - no easy task. While challenging, this process can lead to self-understanding, compassion and a more fulfilling life, it can be a long and difficult road to travel; one most people will not achieve without help.

For those of us working with troubled kids we do well to remember the power of active, respectful listening and tons of empathy in gaining trust and gaining permission to help kids along their healing journeys.

Next time, we’ll look a bit more closely at what we can do to help.

See you in the next one!

Listen on SPOTIFY here

More information:

PAPER: A Concept Analysis of Empathy by Theresa Wiseman (link)

BOOK: Working With Troubled Children & Teenagers by Jonny Matthew (link)

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