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When Kids Blame Themselves #2
BLOG PODS #35 - When Children Blame Themselves - How to Help #1
Introduction
In the last post, we looked at the common phenomenon of self-blame - when children take on responsibility for the way others treat them.
We saw how abusive parenting and other such experiences can fundamentally skew the way a child perceives themself, through the development of a negative internal working model of who they are (internalised) and the dismissive, critical or blaming narratives of the adults around them (externalised).
Eventually, the child develops a sense of self that is self-blaming. This can remain the case throughout childhood and on into adulthood unless the right treatment is brought to bear and the right environment provided in which healing can occur.
So what can we do to help the kids we work with who blame themselves for other people’s sins?
Practical Strategies for Professionals
As always, not an exhaustive list by any means but some thoughts that might help us think about how to adapt practice to these kinds of children.
1. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment:
Establish Trust: Build a therapeutic relationship based on trust and safety, allowing children to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Only consistency can make this happen - kids have to believe we’re there for the long haul, that they have some agency in the process and that we believe in them and in their ability to move on - that they can do it! This sets the culture for whatever comes after.
Consistent Routines: Maintain predictable routines to provide a sense of stability. Meet on the same day at the same time each week, if you can. Use the same room, establish little routines between you that can act as markers of ‘how we do things’ when we’re together. On the TRM Training we call these ‘anchor points.’ This enhances a sense of belonging and ease that fuels honesty and encourages progress in the longer term.
2. Psycho-Education:
Normalise Reactions: Educate children about common responses to trauma, pointing out that self-blame is a common but unfounded reaction. Remember, most kids-particularly younger ones-have no idea that their struggles are as a result of what happened or that they are common reactions to difficult events. Gentle education can shine a light into these dark spaces, de-mystify some of the struggles and bring hope that progress is possible.
Clarify Responsibility: Reinforce, when the time is right, and always gently, that the responsibility for the traumatic event (one-off) or development (longer term) lies with others, not the child. ’Others had control, you didn’t; so it can’t be your responsibility.’ Caution is needed here, of course, as children may balk at any sense that we’re blaming their parents - even the most insecure and damaging attachments retain great loyalty in many kids. So, while they may come to it eventually-hopefully they will-we need to be tentative and gentle as we introduce these ideas, allowing the child’s own presentation to signal their readiness.
3. Therapeutic Techniques:
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TF-CBT), EMDR, etc: Evidence-based approaches can really help children process traumatic experiences, begin to express difficult emotions and reframe distorted beliefs related to self-blame. But this work is highly skilled and should only be attempted in a thoughtful way by those fully qualified to use them - none of us should use our work as an experiment or to ‘try out’ things we’ve learned on a one day course (yes, it’s unbelievable, I know, but I witnessed this recently!). So only work within your skillset as defined by your training and qualifications.
Play, Music, Drama, Art…: Again, these are the domains of the properly trained and qualified among us, but non-directive techniques can be valuable in allowing children to begin to express what may have been hidden inside them for years. On a less intense level, playing with kids while we talk can help them engage, do away with that awkward eye contact across a table and promote a sense of fun and relaxation. Learn what this child likes and go with that; harness their preferences to help them engage and use whatever props and approaches they respond to best.
4. Encourage Emotional Expression:
Creative Outlets: As above, incorporating activities like drawing, storytelling or role-playing to help children express and process their emotions can be a massive help. Depending on the age of the child, the more verbally oriented approaches may or may not be best suited to what they need. Be flexible and prepared to adapt to what they’re comfortable with and go with that - there really is no substitute for a bit of trial and error when it comes to finding out what works for each individual child - as long as we do it gently.
5. Involve Caregivers:
Parental Support: Educate parents/caregivers about the impacts of trauma and the importance of reinforcing the child's innocence regarding the causes of their difficulties. As in point 2 above (clarify responsibility), emphasise to parents/caregivers that the child may need to be told repeatedly that they are not responsible; encourage them to do this subtly and plainly, making sure they maximise natural opportunities to do so, rather than nagging the child with a trite message.
Family Work: Facilitate sessions that improve communication and support within the family unit. Again, if this moves beyond the realm of basic discussions and working with individuals, we may be straying into the domain of family therapy. So let’s not go there unless we’re qualified to do so. But most of us can usefully spend time with different people in the child’s supportive network, to lend our weight and encouragement to their efforts and help them stay on track. Creating a positive, attuned and attentive home environment where caring adults notice and spend time with the child, is more than half the battle when it comes to unpicking the damage done in hostile times and places!
FINAL THOUGHTS
None of this stuff is rocket science. We all know how to do most of this without having to revise it in advance. For most of us, it’s probably more about reminding ourselves that kids recover well in a safe and supportive context - then doing whatever we can to promote that, to tweak and adjust things to best suit this child.
With all that in mind, the next post will expand things further and look at the role we play-as people-in children’s recovery and some of the things we can do to improve our readiness and facility to help. It’s when a child finds themself in both in the right context and with the right people that the magic really happens.
See you in the next one!
Listen on SPOTIFY here
More information:
DOWNLOAD: Trauma Recovery Model Schematic (free download - link)
PAPER: A Concept Analysis of Empathy by Theresa Wiseman (link)
BOOK: Working With Troubled Children & Teenagers by Jonny Matthew (link)
Subscribe & Follow?
You can join the email list for this blog publication here. Your information is safe and you can unsubscribe anytime very easily.
If you want these posts sent straight to your inbox, click the blue subscribe button below.
You can also “Like” this site on Facebook or connect with me on LinkedIn or Twitter. The voiceovers are also on YouTube and Spotify.
©️ Jonny Matthew 2025
Get full access to Jonny Matthew’s Substack at jonnyvm.substack.com/subscribe
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By Information & inspiration for working with troubled kids - with Jonny MatthewBLOG PODS #35 - When Children Blame Themselves - How to Help #1
Introduction
In the last post, we looked at the common phenomenon of self-blame - when children take on responsibility for the way others treat them.
We saw how abusive parenting and other such experiences can fundamentally skew the way a child perceives themself, through the development of a negative internal working model of who they are (internalised) and the dismissive, critical or blaming narratives of the adults around them (externalised).
Eventually, the child develops a sense of self that is self-blaming. This can remain the case throughout childhood and on into adulthood unless the right treatment is brought to bear and the right environment provided in which healing can occur.
So what can we do to help the kids we work with who blame themselves for other people’s sins?
Practical Strategies for Professionals
As always, not an exhaustive list by any means but some thoughts that might help us think about how to adapt practice to these kinds of children.
1. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment:
Establish Trust: Build a therapeutic relationship based on trust and safety, allowing children to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Only consistency can make this happen - kids have to believe we’re there for the long haul, that they have some agency in the process and that we believe in them and in their ability to move on - that they can do it! This sets the culture for whatever comes after.
Consistent Routines: Maintain predictable routines to provide a sense of stability. Meet on the same day at the same time each week, if you can. Use the same room, establish little routines between you that can act as markers of ‘how we do things’ when we’re together. On the TRM Training we call these ‘anchor points.’ This enhances a sense of belonging and ease that fuels honesty and encourages progress in the longer term.
2. Psycho-Education:
Normalise Reactions: Educate children about common responses to trauma, pointing out that self-blame is a common but unfounded reaction. Remember, most kids-particularly younger ones-have no idea that their struggles are as a result of what happened or that they are common reactions to difficult events. Gentle education can shine a light into these dark spaces, de-mystify some of the struggles and bring hope that progress is possible.
Clarify Responsibility: Reinforce, when the time is right, and always gently, that the responsibility for the traumatic event (one-off) or development (longer term) lies with others, not the child. ’Others had control, you didn’t; so it can’t be your responsibility.’ Caution is needed here, of course, as children may balk at any sense that we’re blaming their parents - even the most insecure and damaging attachments retain great loyalty in many kids. So, while they may come to it eventually-hopefully they will-we need to be tentative and gentle as we introduce these ideas, allowing the child’s own presentation to signal their readiness.
3. Therapeutic Techniques:
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (TF-CBT), EMDR, etc: Evidence-based approaches can really help children process traumatic experiences, begin to express difficult emotions and reframe distorted beliefs related to self-blame. But this work is highly skilled and should only be attempted in a thoughtful way by those fully qualified to use them - none of us should use our work as an experiment or to ‘try out’ things we’ve learned on a one day course (yes, it’s unbelievable, I know, but I witnessed this recently!). So only work within your skillset as defined by your training and qualifications.
Play, Music, Drama, Art…: Again, these are the domains of the properly trained and qualified among us, but non-directive techniques can be valuable in allowing children to begin to express what may have been hidden inside them for years. On a less intense level, playing with kids while we talk can help them engage, do away with that awkward eye contact across a table and promote a sense of fun and relaxation. Learn what this child likes and go with that; harness their preferences to help them engage and use whatever props and approaches they respond to best.
4. Encourage Emotional Expression:
Creative Outlets: As above, incorporating activities like drawing, storytelling or role-playing to help children express and process their emotions can be a massive help. Depending on the age of the child, the more verbally oriented approaches may or may not be best suited to what they need. Be flexible and prepared to adapt to what they’re comfortable with and go with that - there really is no substitute for a bit of trial and error when it comes to finding out what works for each individual child - as long as we do it gently.
5. Involve Caregivers:
Parental Support: Educate parents/caregivers about the impacts of trauma and the importance of reinforcing the child's innocence regarding the causes of their difficulties. As in point 2 above (clarify responsibility), emphasise to parents/caregivers that the child may need to be told repeatedly that they are not responsible; encourage them to do this subtly and plainly, making sure they maximise natural opportunities to do so, rather than nagging the child with a trite message.
Family Work: Facilitate sessions that improve communication and support within the family unit. Again, if this moves beyond the realm of basic discussions and working with individuals, we may be straying into the domain of family therapy. So let’s not go there unless we’re qualified to do so. But most of us can usefully spend time with different people in the child’s supportive network, to lend our weight and encouragement to their efforts and help them stay on track. Creating a positive, attuned and attentive home environment where caring adults notice and spend time with the child, is more than half the battle when it comes to unpicking the damage done in hostile times and places!
FINAL THOUGHTS
None of this stuff is rocket science. We all know how to do most of this without having to revise it in advance. For most of us, it’s probably more about reminding ourselves that kids recover well in a safe and supportive context - then doing whatever we can to promote that, to tweak and adjust things to best suit this child.
With all that in mind, the next post will expand things further and look at the role we play-as people-in children’s recovery and some of the things we can do to improve our readiness and facility to help. It’s when a child finds themself in both in the right context and with the right people that the magic really happens.
See you in the next one!
Listen on SPOTIFY here
More information:
DOWNLOAD: Trauma Recovery Model Schematic (free download - link)
PAPER: A Concept Analysis of Empathy by Theresa Wiseman (link)
BOOK: Working With Troubled Children & Teenagers by Jonny Matthew (link)
Subscribe & Follow?
You can join the email list for this blog publication here. Your information is safe and you can unsubscribe anytime very easily.
If you want these posts sent straight to your inbox, click the blue subscribe button below.
You can also “Like” this site on Facebook or connect with me on LinkedIn or Twitter. The voiceovers are also on YouTube and Spotify.
©️ Jonny Matthew 2025
Get full access to Jonny Matthew’s Substack at jonnyvm.substack.com/subscribe