What do you do when the people around you simply cannot understand your pain — especially when it involves a parent — and their advice feels like salt in a wound?

There are certain kinds of pain that only make sense to the ones who lived it.And sometimes the hardest part about healing isn’t the wound itself — it’s the way others respond to it.

When someone hasn’t had a toxic or harmful parent, they often speak from the lens of their experience.Their advice, though well-meaning, can feel dismissive, invalidating, or even painful.

They may say things like:“Just ask your dad for help.”“You should reach out — you only get one father.”“I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.”

But those sentences don’t land the way they think they do — because they’re not speaking into your reality. They’re speaking into the father they had, not the one you have.

And that disconnect can create a loneliness that feels almost impossible to explain.

There were times when people pushed me to ask my dad for help — financially, practically, or emotionally — completely unaware of the cost behind that request.They didn’t know what it meant to turn to someone who financially abused our family…someone who sabotaged us…someone who wounded us repeatedly.

I tried to explain without dishonouring him.I tried to be measured and respectful.But people who grew up with good fathers — or are good fathers themselves — often couldn’t make sense of what I was saying.

Their expectations of what a father should be got projected onto my situation.And when I shared something painful, it created those awkward silences — because what I said sounded unthinkable to them.It didn’t match their category of “father.”So they didn’t know how to respond.

And that’s where this episode begins.

What Does the Bible Say About This?

Scripture actually gives incredible guidance for situations where people cannot understand your suffering.

Jesus Understands Being Misunderstood — Even by Well-Meaning People

People often think misunderstanding is a modern emotional problem — but Jesus lived it constantly.

His own disciples — the people closest to Him — misunderstood Him again and again.

Mark 8:32–33

Peter pulls Jesus aside and rebukes Him for speaking about His suffering.Peter wasn’t trying to be cruel — he loved Jesus.He simply could not comprehend a Messiah who suffers, because that wasn’t his framework.

Sound familiar?

People who cannot understand your father wound aren’t trying to hurt you —they simply don’t have the framework for your experience.

Jesus’ response is instructive:He didn’t hate Peter.He didn’t cut him off.He didn’t get bitter.

But He also didn’t bend His truth to match Peter’s understanding.

He corrected him gently but firmly:

“You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

The lesson:You can acknowledge someone’s good intentions without letting their misunderstanding reshape your reality.

Guard Your Heart Without Hardening Your Heart

Proverbs 4:23 says:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Guarding isn’t the same as shutting down.It means recognising that some people cannot hold the weight of your story — and that’s okay.Not everyone has the emotional or spiritual capacity to empathise deeply.

Biblical guarding looks like:

* being selective with whom you share the deeper layers

* not expecting someone to understand what they’ve never lived

* protecting your peace without building walls of bitterness

People See Through Their Experience — Not Yours

Romans 12:15 commands:

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

But many people cannot mourn what they cannot perceive.

When someone has a loving father, it’s hard for them to imagine a father being the source of trauma. That doesn’t make them evil — just unequipped.

Biblical handling means recognising the difference between:

* lack of empathy (they don’t care)versus

* lack of experience (they don’t know how to care in this area)

Most people fall into the second category.

How to Handle These Situations Biblically

1. Respond with Gentleness, Not Frustration

Proverbs 15:1

“A gentle answer turns away wrath.”

Their misunderstanding may sting, but the goal is not to defend your pain — it’s to preserve your heart.

You can simply say:

I appreciate your advice, but my relationship with my father is more complex than it may appear. Going to him for help isn’t emotionally or spiritually safe for me.

Short. Clear. Without over-explaining.

2. Release the Need to Be Understood by Everyone

Even Jesus wasn’t understood by everyone — and He was perfect.

People are limited.Some will never fully grasp the depth of what you’ve lived.

And God says: That’s okay.Your healing is not dependent on universal understanding.

Psalm 147:3

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

Only God can hold the whole story.

3. Don’t Let Their Perspective Redefine Your Reality

Just because someone had a good father doesn’t mean their expectation becomes your obligation.

Biblical wisdom says:Test everything — hold onto what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21).

If someone’s suggestion doesn’t align with truth, safety, or discernment —you don’t receive it.

4. Recognise the Loneliness — and Bring It Before God

There is loneliness in having a story others can’t relate to.There is grief in realising people around you don’t have the tools to understand.

David experienced this repeatedly:

“No one cares for my life.” — Psalm 142:4“I am like a foreigner to my own family.” — Psalm 69:8

And yet —

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.” — Psalm 34:18

When people can’t empathise, God fills the gap Himself.

Dealing with the Loneliness

A. God Himself Becomes the Father You Needed

Psalm 68:5

“A father to the fatherless… is God.”

Even if your earthly father didn’t show up, your Heavenly Father will.

B. Find Community Through Similar Wounding

It is not dishonouring to your father to seek community with people who understand parental wounds.It is part of your healing.

2 Corinthians 1:4

“…so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Your pain becomes comfort for others.Your story becomes connection.

C. Allow Yourself to Grieve the Lack of Empathy

Grief doesn’t mean self-pity.It means acknowledging a loss — the loss of being understood.

Jesus wept (John 11:35) not because He lacked faith, but because grief is a holy expression of love.

Affirmation

I release the need to be understood by everyone.I accept that not everyone can empathise with my story — and that’s okay.God understands me fully, even where others cannot.My heart stays soft, guarded, and guided by truth.

Key Verse

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”— Psalm 34:18

In Closing…

When people cannot understand your struggle, it doesn’t mean your pain is invalid — it means their experience is limited.And that’s okay.Because God never needed them to be your healer, your validator, or your emotional interpreter.

He sees the whole story.He understands the parts you can’t articulate.And He sits with you in the loneliness until it becomes wholeness.

Until next time, stay rooted in truth, wrapped in grace, and always remember — you are beloved. 💛

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