Pour yourself something strong (we suggest a nice scotch for reasons that will become clear a few minutes into the episode) and settle in for a festive tour through history's most spectacular travel disasters.

Whilst the rest of the world is busy booking flights and packing bags for the holidays, we thought we'd offer a public service: a cautionary tale (or four) about what happens when travelers combine breathtaking optimism with catastrophically poor preparation.

For your benefit, dear listeners, we've organized historical travel fiascos into convenient categories, because even disasters deserve structure:

High Expectations, Low Planning: Scotland gambles a quarter of its national wealth on a fever swamp in Panama, armed with thousands of wigs and exactly zero useful supplies. Spoilers: It does not go well. Scotland is still somewhat tetchy about it.

High Expectations, Low Cultural Awareness: Lord Macartney shows up to the Chinese Emperor's birthday party thinking he's the guest of honour, only to discover he's one of dozens on the mailing list. Then he refuses to kowtow. The Emperor is not impressed.

Low Expectations, Proven Entirely Correct: Tobias Smollett travels through France and Italy with preemptive contempt for everything he's about to see, then spends 400 pages confirming his suspicions. He mansplains the Venus de Medici and complains about the weather on the French Riviera. The patron saint of one-star reviews.

High Expectations, Catastrophically Poor Equipment: Thomas Stevens circumnavigates the globe on a penny farthing bicycle—a vehicle designed by someone who absolutely hated gravity but loved concussions. He crashes roughly 500 times and starts riots in China. Somehow survives.

If you've ever wondered whether your holiday travel could possibly go worse than you imagine, we can confirm: yes, but probably not as badly as these.

Perfect listening for anyone currently stuck in an airport, contemplating a long drive to see relatives, or simply grateful their ancestors didn't invest the family fortune in Panamanian swampland.

Happy Holidays from your correspondents

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Further Reading & Useful Links:

The Darien Scheme: Scotland's Darien Disaster – BBC History

Some account of the public life, and a selection from the unpublished writings, of the Earl of Macartney

Tobias Smollett's Travels through France and Italy

Thomas Stevens' Around the World on a Bicycle

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