Did you know that if you bottle up your emotions for decades, it eventually catches up to you?

Ask me how I know.....

The last time we “talked,” I was fresh off the heels of a life changing experience. Huzzah! You may have thought - she is cured of her mid life crisis and childhood trauma. All is well at last on earth.

Unfortunately my angels, this is simply not the case! Far far from it in fact. I’d like to try to explain to you where my head has been since coming home and having received answers that are the gifts that keep on giving.

I recently saw a screening of an 80s movie with a dear friend of mine, called “they live”. (I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum…and I’m all out of bubblegum) #sogood. Fabulous film.

Really resonated with me, in fact it almost hit a little too close to home. Turns out the gift of clarity can sometimes be a “curse”, too.

After dredging up the childhood and adulthood trauma I had locked away deep within my psyche, and identifying triggers and how harmful it is to my psyche to voluntarily be subject to those triggers, I’ve been having some rude awakenings now that I’m back in the real world.

I notice triggers everywhere - in the places I would have least expected.

I’ve also experienced the whiplash of being in the presence of different people, in the way that I (feel like) I have to act a certain way around some people, while others I don’t. Or hide my true feelings about whatever’s happening, however you want to put it.

I’m being forced to come to grips with the knowledge of what I SHOULD be doing in certain situations, now that I know better, and now having to follow through with new patterns of behavior.

It’s all fun and games identifying and understanding your trauma and emotional triggers, (not really) but it’s suddenly a lot more real once you have to face the facts about things that aren’t serving your inner child or wise adult or radiant child - things you may have thought did.

For someone like me whose biggest struggle is setting boundaries with loved ones in my personal life (what if they stop liking/loving me?), I’m now being faced with a crossroads between how react to things - even things that I’ve been functioning alongside for years.

Do I say something and set a boundary in the moment if something is said that crosses the line for my inner child? Do I schedule a one on one meeting with certain people informing them ahead of time that well, actually, I know I’ve always acted like this and has this type of personality and priorities and goals but now that I was smacked in the face with basically a guidebook to what I need to be mentally healthy, your mileage may now vary?

There’s certain people I have to just face the music about and admit I can’t (for now) realistically maintain a healthy relationship with while I’m basically starting over & re building my personality and lifestyle habits from the ground up in order to actually live like a mentally stable person.

Because I have not been. But I’m not alone. I’m not the only self employed entrepreneur good student self motivated stubborn person who thinks that they’ll be different, that they’ll figure out a way to reach the ideal work life balance as an owner operator small family business that is affected by the larger economy & capitalism.

Me? Resentful? Yes. I am. But I’m learning how to let it go.

The truth is, after being battered and broken by life as a self employed person for 10 years, it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. And I really did believe in my power to make things work the way I wanted them to, despite so many things working against us.

But that’s a story for another day.

My point is, my life up until now has been half authentic to my inner child, half unhealthy and inauthentic coping mechanisms born from a mixture of beliefs that were instilled in me by others, patriarchy, modern society under capitalism in the United States, and my religious upbringing.

It’s one thing to say to question why you think what you think, and again, another thing to actually test out, in public no less, interact with friends AND strangers, and witness & digest how it all went (and do that multiple times, to get an average), and then come up with a conclusion on whether the aforementioned set of actions is even aligned with your wise adult / higher self, or whether I need to do things differently next time.

If it sounds exhausting, it’s because it is.

That’s why, for now, I’m taking the first guilt free break of my life. Not entirely true, there’s still guilt and it’s not a true break as I’m still chipping away at side quests while we prep the next round of pieces to be released for 𝕯𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 𝕭𝖊𝖉 𝕯𝖔𝖌 𝕸𝖔𝖒𝖘. But spiritually - I am taking the pressure off myself, fo realz.

Ive been forced to acknowledge that my nervous system is shot.

I thought things I had successfully skipped processing were in the past. That I was somehow immune to the hustle & grind required to have done what I have.

But now, I must do the work to repair the damage that Ive experienced.

I am integrating nervous system strengthening habits into my daily routine, like meditation, journaling, breath work, and sound healing.

I’m furthering my cutting off of all nonessential activities or interactions with peeps who aren’t a 100000% safe space while I try to hit some sort of nw equilibrium.

I think I will be okay.

I do not know how long it will take to get through this process, this ego death, this recalibration of my current timeline & my intentions for the future - but I’m committed to the work. I don’t have a choice.

I’m no longer embarrassed to share just how mentally unstable and emotionally exhausted I am from going through so much in my life, without proper emotional support or healthy examples to learn from.

I’m committed to my healing, and I’m committed to my art.

And to follow through with my goals, I must become mentally stable and build a lifestyle in which where the inspiration I receive out of the blue can flow freely into my mind and out of my body.

Sooooo, thank you for listening. And Stay tuned for my next update. I was really positively affected during my experience at STAR when I left my comfort zone to read aloud my thoughts in our group.

I can only do what I can do, and this is something I can do that can keep me growing and best case scenario, resonate with you or make some dots connect when it comes to thinking about the bigger picture of your life.

There is just so, so, much more to life that I am able to see as I move through each chapter on my path. I’m thankful for the wisdom, but my heart does break for every past version of myself (who is still inside of me) that had to suffer to learn it. So I guess this is also a way I hope to share my wisdom in case it can help others too.

Until next time

🦋ES

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