“According to the ISSM:

If they have questions about sex, they feel comfortable asking, and they are eager to understand more about the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects of sexual activity.

They understand the importance of safe sex. Safe sex can include ensuring emotional and psychological safety, involving supporting someone with a sexual dysfunction or sexual abuse history.

They believe that sex is a natural part of being human and should be enjoyed by those who want to have sex. For sex-positive people, sex can be discussed without shame or awkwardness, and it is not a taboo subject.

“They accept others’ sexual practices,” or lack thereof, “as long as the participants consent and feel safe, without moral judgment.”

Here are some things that sex positivity is NOT:

Simply enjoying sex. If that were the case, we would have a lot more sex-positive people in the world! Plenty of people who enjoy sex still place shame and stigma on others who have different sexual practices.

Believing that everyone should have sex and enjoy it. The reasons some folks have for not engaging in sex are valid, and should always be respected.

Being hypersexual, with no boundaries, and having sex with anyone and everyone all the time.

Sexually objectifying others, and ignoring power dynamics and intersectionality.

Having an uncomplicated relationship with sex.

Lastly, I want to share a quote from Miri Mogilevsky, a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. “I want a sex positivity that is here for all the trauma survivors, all the asexual and aromantic folks, all the people who don’t love their bodies, everyone who’s ever felt ambivalent about sex, and anyone who feels like sex has done them more harm than good.”

Okay, now that you (hopefully) have a clearer picture of sex-positivity, let’s look at some ways you can develop this perspective within yourself!

One facet of being sex-positive is not shaming or judging others for their sexual (or nonsexual) lifestyles. This, of course, means developing a more inclusive and nonjudgmental mindset around sex. You can challenge any prejudice by saying to yourself, “Why do I react negatively when I hear about open relationships? Where does that instinct come from?” This process is called self-awareness and leads to a greater understanding of how we react to things we don’t understand or have been taught to judge. Open-mindedness is one way to move toward sex-positivity.

Another step needed to adopt a sex-positive approach is to educate yourself. We often judge others simply because we don't know much about that topic, sex included. Read some books or articles on the subject. Make the effort to understand diverse consensual sexual practices. This is the key – you do not need to be interested in participating in those diverse practices in order to be sex-positive! What is odd to you is perhaps perfect for someone else. That is how this works.

Sex-positivity requires an ongoing commitment to becoming more and more inclusive and aware. It requires re-training your brain away from the automatic thought of “slut” when you see a woman wearing revealing clothing. You must challenge the stereotypes and labels we have placed others under. It also means speaking up and being brave when others use language that is exclusive and dehumanizing, and asking why that person is using that language to describe others whose sexual practices do not match theirs.

Talking about consent is perhaps the most important piece of the pie. Everyone benefits from understanding that the absence of a “no” is not a “yes” when it comes to sex. It is an absolute requirement of being sex-positive to understand consent and its importance in all sexual practices.” -Sara Crowers MSW LCSW

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