@Elderescence #Elderescence

hello beautiful people of the internet and welcome to the four poster bed do you know I just had a massive bowl of mango chunks and sliced apple and um it was and a black coffee What a fine brunch I say brunch it is 9:05 but I've already had breakfast earlier so it has to be something else um or maybe I just have two breakfasts let's say that all part of my new Fitness regime obviously and which I've been doing for about a year now so um well more about that in another show what I wanted to talk about today was why I have chosen celibacy um and and what what effect it's had on me so it all started with a menopause and actually funnily enough an not analogy to alcohol but a very bad reaction to alcohol so something happened to me at a pause which you know for in terms of the the previous life I've had which was total rockus rock and roll binge drinking um I mean I I I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day but I certainly you know made up for it on the weekends um whether that I you know it's a it's a line isn't it that you cross I definitely had um a problem in that I didn't want to give it it up it wasn't that I couldn't give it up it's that I didn't want to give it up and you know that begs the question does it not a mental addiction and a physical addiction um can be as you know unruly as one another and as controlling as one another um and a physical add addiction isn't necessarily worse especially if you're self-medicating so you know changing from being a heavy drinker who was a a crazy man eting party animal to none of that just a celibate um postmenopausal woman um created a lot of problems for me in terms of adjustment because I completely lost sense of who I am and and who I was because what happens when you stop drinking you look back and you think well I you know I was masking the the truth of myself you because that that's why you're medicating you don't want the truth of yourself the truth of yourself is too harrowing you're too sad for whatever reason trauma or you know whatever um so I I realized that I couldn't drink anymore I was it was making me violently sick violently sick but it took me a couple of years to understand that what what my body was doing because actually what um you know what happens when you re when your body starts to reject something like alcohol when you've been drinking for years and years and years is you think well no it can't be the alcohol it must be something else you know so and because I'd had cancer as well I think having cancer actually um and the expectation actually was that I would die because the tumor was absolutely massive but um anyway I won't go into details about that but I don't I no longer have cancer but the there was definitely an exp expectation that of death um and the doctors were extremely worried because you know my can my tumor markers had absolutely rocketed so you know it was an emergency sort of cancer treatment and I think for about maybe two months I expected to die and I think that does something to one in terms of redressing and readdressing the the you know the place you have in the universe and re realizing and understanding your fallibility and that you are going to die you are going to die and you best be ready for it right and I wasn't ready for it because I didn't know who I was yet you see what I mean um so anyway giving up drinking meant because I'm extremely shy and underneath you know the the gregariousness that I'd had as a a you know a local sort of Club owning mini celebrity if you like certainly my own orbit um was it was an act and it was a cover for for somebody who's actually very very painfully shy painfully I wouldn't say I'm insecure at all but I am painfully shy I mean it's almost like a a physical thing that occurs when people give me attention um I I blush I become mute um and it it's a very interesting experience but I'm not I wouldn't say that I'm not self-confident because I I really believe in everything I do and I think I'm a genius you know so it's it it's a I think shyness and self-confidence are two different things and I really wouldn't mix those two things up if I was you um but I realized that I could no longer um shag basically because my my years of shagging had all been related to my years of drinking so i' I'd wear this uh armor of um alcohol infused protection and you know become this person I mean the first thing I needed to do was get a wine as soon as I walked in the pub I could be gregarious and say hi everyone or when I rang the club run the club you know but I needed that wine and I I had to have that drink so that I It enabled me to function as a socialite do you see what I'm saying um and to to get laid because you know now I I realize that how on Earth do sober people have sex that was the first thing I realized how do sober people you know meet each other and how do you do that first experience of you know touching and kissing and and then you know down the pants or whatever it's so easy when you're drunk it's so easy you know you just go for it and um you know in the moment you don't worry about the next day or the day before you don't worry about the past you don't worry about the future you're just in the now so the desire takes hold and that desire I realized could be it as equal as um a physical desire as a mental desire you know you could just as a girl growing up in the 70s or the 60s and' 70s we were trained to act a certain way so there was a pettishness that was expected of us to do what we were told in the budo and um in life and we were uncond we were conditioned by our mothers and our an female ancestors to pleasure a man by being somebody that we weren't by actually covering up our own desires and actually um creating the perfect vessel for male pleasure that's what you did do you see what I mean and I mean we didn't know anything about um orgasm really I mean we sort of heard of it but we weren't really sure about it so we we it would be I mean men certainly didn't know about it and and you know you so you didn't bring it up and I'd been M I had a husband and we never discussed it um I mean we were very young we didn't last very long but we we never discussed my pleasure it was totally about his you know that's what was the the whole point of the the relationship was the whole point of the marriage um so you know that sort of carried on for a long time and the reason I'm telling that is because it's it's pertinent to why I am celbrate now so all of those factors have created a have collided if you like but the there are some other factors too I totally and utterly commit myself to my work so my music and my art and I noticed that when there were men around in my life I did not focus on myself so not only did I not focus on myself physically but I didn't focus on myself um spiritually and intellectually I had one husband I've had a lot of husbands I had one husband who hated me reading I mean that's crazy and he wouldn't let me read in the even evenings he and in fact I've had two that did that so I had one who if I picked up a book or did any art he'd say oh don't just sit here and watch Telly with me that I mean that's and I was with him for seven years I mean absolutely incredible and I had another one I remember being in a car and I had a Vogue magazine and we were chatting you know we come back from I suppose a couple hour journey and I just started reading the magazine and he said oh please don't do that I mean that's crazy isn't it in fact I had a friend as well and he was bringing me back from somewhere and I nodded off in the car and he said oh don't go to sleep I just like what I mean you know you're not allowed to sleep in their company you're not allowed to read in that company you're not allowed to make art in that company and now that I'm a musician and you know a professional musician with a career I'm I'm almost certain no I am certain that any attempt at a relationship would be um resented all of the all of my things that I do would be resented um but you know the bottom line is I don't want to do anything else I don't want to talk to a man I want to play my instruments I want to make my art I I have no interest um I mean look guys don't get me wrong if I met a a person a man a man um because we're talking about men because I'm heterosexual but in if I met a man who who I could learn something from and who was stimulating of course I'd give them time but I wouldn't give them very much time you know I I might give them a cup of coffee break in the week I mean you know that's what my mom gets you know why am I going to give a man more time than I give my mother you see what I mean I've had my kids I've brought up my family I've struggled through life I've had Untold amount of RA um um relationships that are violent and abusive but don't get me wrong I'm not saying I'm celibate because I don't want another violent relationship certainly it's part of it but uh I mean I I I genuinely believe that I'm I don't need that so what's the point so that that you know there are all these different things to to my um desire to be celbrate and of course the biggest one is that I do not have the sexual desire for it and if you don't have that in your engine it's very easy to to be rational about all the other reasons that you want to be celbrate so I can afford to say oh I'm celbrate um and it's because of spiritual reasons and um you know intellectual Reas reasons because I I feel that it Waters down my in intellectualism when I'm in a relationship with a man I can say that but if I had a burning sexual desire I may feel differently about that but I don't I because when you get into your 60s for a lot of people that is no longer you know you don't have that burning desire to to have sex often you know and so all these other reasons are much much easier for me to say um and to talk about but they really are a