Big Think

Why loneliness feels so real, even when it’s not | Kasley Killam


Listen Later

From a young age, we’re taught that being alone means something’s wrong with us 😔 — that the person sitting by themselves is a *loner*. We absorb this belief early, and it shapes how we see others… and ourselves.

But here’s the truth:

🔍 **Loneliness isn’t a flaw — it’s a signal.**

It’s not *who* you are. It’s *what* you need. 🧭

👋 I’m Kasley Killam, author of *The Art and Science of Connection* and an expert in **social health** — the often-overlooked third pillar of wellness, alongside physical 🏃 and mental health 🧠.

When we feel lonely:

- 🤯 We overthink social situations

- 😟 We assume people won’t like us

- 🛡️ We enter interactions guarded

That mindset creates a loop:

🔁 Negative belief → anxious behavior → shallow connection

But it can go the other way too:

💪 Self-trust → openness → meaningful relationships 🤝

🧘‍♀️ **Self-compassion meditation** can help.

It’s about redirecting the love you give others — toward *yourself*.

That inner safety helps you become more vulnerable, and research shows vulnerability builds **trust and emotional intimacy**. 💞

🌍 Culture also plays a role:

- In *individualistic* societies, people feel lonelier 😶‍🌫️, but have more freedom to branch out 🌱

- In *collectivist* cultures, loneliness clashes with expectations — leading to poorer health outcomes ⚠️

And yes, loneliness affects the body:

- 🧬 Raises cortisol

- 🔥 Increases inflammation

- 🛡️ Weakens the immune system

Want to reconnect? Try this:

✅ Help someone

✅ Volunteer

✅ Show up for others (and yourself) 💗

Your social life literally rewires your brain 🧠⚡

It shapes how you process pain, respond to stress, and experience joy 🎉

💡 **Loneliness is just one sign of poor social health.**

Whether you feel it or not —

👉 *everyone* needs connection

👉 *everyone* should prioritize their social well-being

And it all starts with the most important connection of all:

✨ The one you have with yourself 💖

---------------

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

...more
View all episodesView all episodes
Download on the App Store

Big ThinkBy bigthink

  • 2.4
  • 2.4
  • 2.4
  • 2.4
  • 2.4

2.4

10 ratings


More shows like Big Think

View all
Making Sense with Sam Harris by Sam Harris

Making Sense with Sam Harris

26,462 Listeners

Uncomfortable Conversations with Josh Szeps by Josh Szeps

Uncomfortable Conversations with Josh Szeps

836 Listeners

Into the Impossible With Brian Keating by Big Bang Productions Inc.

Into the Impossible With Brian Keating

1,048 Listeners

The Michael Shermer Show by Michael Shermer

The Michael Shermer Show

916 Listeners

Sean Carroll's Mindscape: Science, Society, Philosophy, Culture, Arts, and Ideas by Sean Carroll | Wondery

Sean Carroll's Mindscape: Science, Society, Philosophy, Culture, Arts, and Ideas

4,142 Listeners

Quillette Podcast by Quillette

Quillette Podcast

806 Listeners

Within Reason by Alex J O'Connor

Within Reason

1,531 Listeners

The Origins Podcast with Lawrence Krauss by Lawrence M. Krauss

The Origins Podcast with Lawrence Krauss

488 Listeners

The Prof G Pod with Scott Galloway by Vox Media Podcast Network

The Prof G Pod with Scott Galloway

5,397 Listeners

Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal by Theories of Everything

Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal

467 Listeners

UnHerd with Freddie Sayers by UnHerd

UnHerd with Freddie Sayers

225 Listeners

Honestly with Bari Weiss by The Free Press

Honestly with Bari Weiss

8,721 Listeners

The Poetry of Reality with Richard Dawkins by Richard Dawkins

The Poetry of Reality with Richard Dawkins

81 Listeners

Conversations With Coleman by The Free Press

Conversations With Coleman

366 Listeners

The Moynihan Report by 2WAY

The Moynihan Report

115 Listeners