Earlier this week, my wife texted me this:

“A caring man is better than a handsome man, but I lucked out and got both.”

I know, I melted too. That’s her in a nutshell: kind, expressive, and effortlessly affirming. While messages like that are common from her, they’re not exactly the standard in most relationships.

Between spouses, parents and kids, and bosses and employees, we’ve all gotten entirely too good at spotting what’s missing, but not so great at naming what’s working.

Back when I was a principal, we aimed for a 4:1 ratio of positive to corrective interactions with students. Why? Because it worked.

We knew heavily weighting praise over correction boosted student confidence and self-esteem, made students feel valued and appreciated, increased the likelihood of students making choices that would benefit themselves and others, and strengthened bonds between students and adults.

Now go back and reread that paragraph, replacing ‘student’ with ‘spouse’. You see that the strategy doesn’t stop at the classroom door.

At home, maybe even especially for us as dads, it’s easy to fall into correction mode. Messy rooms. Missed chores. Forgotten curfews. It feels like “doing our job.” But if the only feedback our kids hear is where they’re falling short, we’re not building them up. We’re wearing them down.

That goes for spouses too.

I saw a video recently that illustrated this perfectly. In one version, a man walks in the door and his wife barely looks up. In the second version, she lights up, smiles, walks over and wraps him a hug. The difference? Night and day. A simple shift, but it completely changes the dynamics.

Same couple. Completely different tone for the night.

It made me push on this idea even further: We’re carrying too much. Jobs, bills, pressures from multiple directions. It’s easy to see why one defaults to ‘easy’ and begins to go through the motions. But what if we didn’t?

What if we looked up more? What if we just noticed more of what’s going right?

Five ways to practice:

Notice the Small Wins: The backpack hung up without a reminder? The sibling disagreement your kids handled with active listening and kind words? The moment your wife paused her work (again) to take care of something else? Name it. It matters.

Run the Numbers: If you find yourself constantly correcting, it’s time for a gut check. Are you anywhere close to 4:1, or are you just pointing out the gaps? Awareness is the first step to a comeback.

Be Specific: “Good job” is like the a like button. It doesn’t cost anything and it’s easy. Try, “I appreciate how you listened calmly to your brother earlier. That’s leadership.” That lands. While we’re on the topic, I will accept generic praise from you with a ‘like’ on this post. For bonus points, share it with a buddy.

Lighten Up: Not every moment needs to be a lesson. (Guilty!) Sometimes a dumb joke (who are we kidding… they’re all gold), a shared meme, or a simple “remember when” builds more connection than a 10-minute lecture ever will.

Lead with Warmth: When your loved ones walk through the door, look up. Smile. Show them they matter more than your inbox. It doesn’t take long. And it lasts.

When we start naming the good, we don’t just build others up… we change the culture of our homes, our teams, our lives.

My challenge to you is to build upon the wonderful connections you already have. Recognize those you love by naming all the beautiful things you see them doing. Watch what happens when they feel seen.

As you begin your climb to a 4:1 ratio, remember: Your words shape your home. Choose the ones that build it.

Cheers,

Will

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