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Why We Judge Others (and What It Says About Us)
Media Links
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: None
We often rush to label people—“toxic,” “narcissistic,” “rude”—instead of sitting with our own discomfort. This episode explores how that habit (appraisal/judgment) protects us in the short term but costs us connection, nuance, and growth. Adam and Ali unpack why the brain loves categories, how common attribution errors fuel snap judgments, and a simple four-part framework for talking about hard moments without blame.
Why we default to judgment: Externalizing is easier than self-examination; labels feel safer than uncertainty.
Everyday examples: A harmless comment or a tense moment on a first date can trigger elaborate stories that say more about us than them.
What overusing “toxic/narcissist” reveals: Chronic labeling often reflects our own fears and hypervigilance, not objective reality.
Own your inner experience: Swap “you made me feel” for “here’s what came up in me.”
Four actions for tough conversations:
Share primary emotions,
Ask open, non-leading questions,
Make requests (not demands),
Offer gifts (recognition, care, goodwill).
Big-picture psychology: Attribution theory, fundamental attribution error, and actor–observer bias explain why we misread others.
Quote of the day: “We suffer more in our imagination than in reality.” Tied to how our narratives amplify pain.
What’s next: Interest in deeper dives on Stoicism/Buddhism and a future book review of Selfie.
Heider, F. (1958). The Psychology of Interpersonal Relations. Wiley.
Jones, E. E., & Davis, K. E. (1965). “From Acts to Dispositions: The Attribution Process in Person Perception.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 2, pp. 219–266. Academic Press.
Kelley, H. H. (1973). “The Processes of Causal Attribution.” American Psychologist, 28, 107–128.
Ross, L. (1977). “The Intuitive Psychologist and His Shortcomings: Distortions in the Attribution Process.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 10, pp. 173–220. Academic Press.
Jones, E. E., & Nisbett, R. E. (1971). “The Actor and the Observer: Divergent Perceptions of the Causes of Behavior.” In E. E. Jones et al. (Eds.), Attribution: Perceiving the Causes of Behavior. General Learning Press.
Seneca, Epistulae Morales ad Lucilium, Letter 13 (“De Vanis Terroribus”): “Plura sunt… opinione quam re laboramus.”
Hirschman, A. O. (1970). Exit, Voice, and Loyalty: Responses to Decline in Firms, Organizations, and States. Harvard University Press.
View all episodes
By Delve PsychMedia Links
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: None
We often rush to label people—“toxic,” “narcissistic,” “rude”—instead of sitting with our own discomfort. This episode explores how that habit (appraisal/judgment) protects us in the short term but costs us connection, nuance, and growth. Adam and Ali unpack why the brain loves categories, how common attribution errors fuel snap judgments, and a simple four-part framework for talking about hard moments without blame.
Why we default to judgment: Externalizing is easier than self-examination; labels feel safer than uncertainty.
Everyday examples: A harmless comment or a tense moment on a first date can trigger elaborate stories that say more about us than them.
What overusing “toxic/narcissist” reveals: Chronic labeling often reflects our own fears and hypervigilance, not objective reality.
Own your inner experience: Swap “you made me feel” for “here’s what came up in me.”
Four actions for tough conversations:
Share primary emotions,
Ask open, non-leading questions,
Make requests (not demands),
Offer gifts (recognition, care, goodwill).
Big-picture psychology: Attribution theory, fundamental attribution error, and actor–observer bias explain why we misread others.
Quote of the day: “We suffer more in our imagination than in reality.” Tied to how our narratives amplify pain.
What’s next: Interest in deeper dives on Stoicism/Buddhism and a future book review of Selfie.
Heider, F. (1958). The Psychology of Interpersonal Relations. Wiley.
Jones, E. E., & Davis, K. E. (1965). “From Acts to Dispositions: The Attribution Process in Person Perception.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 2, pp. 219–266. Academic Press.
Kelley, H. H. (1973). “The Processes of Causal Attribution.” American Psychologist, 28, 107–128.
Ross, L. (1977). “The Intuitive Psychologist and His Shortcomings: Distortions in the Attribution Process.” In L. Berkowitz (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, Vol. 10, pp. 173–220. Academic Press.
Jones, E. E., & Nisbett, R. E. (1971). “The Actor and the Observer: Divergent Perceptions of the Causes of Behavior.” In E. E. Jones et al. (Eds.), Attribution: Perceiving the Causes of Behavior. General Learning Press.
Seneca, Epistulae Morales ad Lucilium, Letter 13 (“De Vanis Terroribus”): “Plura sunt… opinione quam re laboramus.”
Hirschman, A. O. (1970). Exit, Voice, and Loyalty: Responses to Decline in Firms, Organizations, and States. Harvard University Press.