Why do we get defensive during conflict even when we’re self-aware? 

In Episode 20 of Things We Say in Therapy, we break down defensiveness as a nervous system response rather than a personality flaw, and explore why feedback can feel like a personal attack.

This episode covers:

• What defensiveness actually is and why it shows up during conflict
• The role of the nervous system, amygdala, and fight-flight-freeze responses
• How childhood attachment, shame, and fear of abandonment shape defensiveness
• Why over-explaining, sarcasm, shutting down, and “brutal honesty” are often self-protection
• The difference between being misunderstood and being wronged
• How to separate intent from impact in difficult conversations
• The hidden cost of defensiveness on relationships and emotional safety
• How to notice defensiveness in real time and respond without self-abandonment
• When defensiveness is actually a signal of being shamed or manipulated

If you struggle with accountability, conflict, emotional regulation, people-pleasing, or feeling unsafe receiving feedback, this episode offers honest self-reflection, psychology insights, and practical tools to help you build healthier, more authentic relationships.

Discomfort isn’t a threat, it’s information. Sit with it. 

Tell us why you love the show!

Support the show

🎙️NEW EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY!! Follow so that you don’t miss an episode!

I📖f you are struggling with your health, please don't go through it alone. View this: international mental health helpline directory

🌳Linktree: https://linktr.ee/thingswesayintherapy

📺YouTube: https://youtube.com/@feelingsidrathernotpodcast?si=Hswo7kvUoq7mchhz

📲Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/feelingsidrathernotpodcast/

📲TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@feelingsidrathernotpod?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

👩‍💻RSS Feed (Buzzsprout Website): https://feelingsidrathernot.buzzsprout.com

☕️Buy Me a Coffee: https://www.https://buymeacoffee.com/feelingsidrathernotpod