What if you woke up in the Middle Ages and had to survive just one day as an alchemist? Spoiler: You probably wouldn’t last until supper.Welcome back to Tea & Gravity—your favorite sleepy science storytelling channel! Tonight, we’re donning our patchwork robes, lighting a flickering candle, and journeying back to the mysterious, muddled world of medieval alchemy.

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Ever fancied yourself as a medieval wizard, toiling over bubbling cauldrons in a candlelit workshop, a few cryptic scrolls away from turning lead into gold? Tonight, Tea & Gravity invites you to don your most ragged robe, light a flickering candle, and step into the smoke-choked, rumor-haunted world of the Middle Ages’ most misunderstood profession: the alchemist.

Here’s why most modern mortals (and even a few ambitious cats) wouldn’t last a day as an alchemist in the Middle Ages:

1. Everything Could Kill You—Including the Air You Breathed

The average alchemist’s lab was a deathtrap of open flames, toxic fumes, and precariously balanced glassware. Mercury, arsenic, and lead were just another day’s work. One careless whiff, and you might be off to discover the philosopher’s stone in the afterlife.

2. Your Experiments Would Explode—and So Might You

With no reliable measurements and even less reliable safety protocols, medieval alchemy was all trial, error, and terror. Sulfur, saltpeter, and mystery powders were mixed with reckless hope. Sometimes you got gold leaf… more often, you got a cloud of acrid smoke, a singed beard, and a new hole in your roof.

3. The Church and the Law Were Watching (And Not Kindly)

Alchemy danced on the razor’s edge of heresy and fraud. If your neighbors didn’t report you for suspicious smells and devilish chanting, the local priest might drop by to ask uncomfortable questions. And heaven help you if you were caught with a book written in code.

4. Hunger, Cold, and Poverty Were Constant Companions

Most alchemists were not wealthy scholars—they were desperate tinkerers, scraping by on the promise of liquid gold. Starvation, shivering nights, and aching backs were par for the course. Every new experiment was a wager with fate and hunger.

5. Nobody Trusted an Alchemist (Not Even Other Alchemists)

Secrecy was survival. Recipes were guarded with codes, metaphors, and misleading symbols. Alchemists distrusted rivals, apprentices, and even themselves. Is that really the recipe for transmutation… or a clever trick to poison your competition?

6. Sometimes, the Cat Ran the Lab

Let’s not forget Pig, who, as any cat lover knows, is far more adept at knocking over beakers and sitting on crucial manuscripts than actually turning base metals into gold. If you had a feline companion, expect your notes to be napped upon and your most important vial to go missing—possibly under the stove.

Join Professor Teabottom and Pig as they navigate a world where gold was only half the dream—and survival was a victory in itself.

From poisoned air to public suspicion, every minute in the alchemist’s lab was an adventure (and a hazard) unto itself.

So, pour yourself a cup of something warming, settle in by the fire, and prepare for a journey through one of history’s most dangerous day jobs.

Because after tonight, you may never look at science—or your cat—the same way again.Did you survive the episode? Think you could outwit the hazards, evade the church, and make gold without losing your whiskers?

Let us know in the comments! Don’t forget to subscribe and ring the bell for more sleepy science stories from Professor Teabottom and Pig.