Hello,

I have a question for you.

Are you a winter person?

If you had asked me this question last fall, I would have told you that I am not.

However, last winter I discovered that I may be more winter-inclined than I previously thought. But first, some helpful background information. I grew up in Southern California. We’re not known for our winters, but more likely as a refuge from chilly temperatures. With limited winter experience, I moved to the East Coast as a young adult. Given my natural stubbornness, I was determined not to be a naïve, ill-prepared SoCal girl. And I did okay—partly because I bought the right clothes. This is one of those pieces of advice that is absolutely 100% true. I lived in Boston, which I feel was an adequate introduction to winter. We weren’t best friends, winter and I, but I would say we were friendly. I liked living in a place with true seasons and appreciated a snowy day. Although I will never forget the day when a 45-minute commute home took 8 hours during a record-breaking snowstorm. Going to sleep that night, all I could see was windshield wipers and snow.

When I had kids, my lukewarm feelings towards winter turned ice cold. I found navigating winter with small people a new level of hell. From the management of keeping all their limbs free of frostbite to illnesses, the snow day shuffle, and so on, the season lost its sparkle. Slowly, the dread of winter started to creep up earlier and earlier each year, then contaminating my previously beloved Fall season.

But as I alluded to above, I have reevaluated this relationship.

It started with some reflection on winter while recovering from shoulder surgery. I had some extra time on my hands, sitting and then sitting some more. So why not sit and think about winter? I had the realization that some of the activities I love to do year-round are ideal winter activities, like reading cozily under a blanket, drinking hot beverages, and walking in the woods. I’ve always been partial to the sound of fresh snow crunching. And then I read “How to Winter: Harness Your Mindset to Thrive on Cold, Dark, or Difficult Days”* by Kari Leibowitz, PhD. The book’s main premise is how shifting our winter mindset can help us have a more positive winter experience and beyond. It has tangible advice while skillfully addressing the nuance of the research in the context of culture and the socio-political landscape.

A moment for mindset

The book is centered on mindset science and how our mindsets influence our experience. Many likely have some awareness of mindset science, primarily from the work of Carol Dweck, PhD, and the growth mindset versus a fixed mindset when it comes to intellect and academic achievement. At times, the research on the benefits of a more adaptive mindset has been misrepresented as an extreme version of positive thinking. This misrepresentation looks like an individualized, quick-fix practice, often without regard for context. However, mindset science is more nuanced than this and has the potential to be beneficial to many.

Leibowitz highlights through the work of Dr. Alia Crum of the Stanford Mind &Body Lab that mindsets are “core assumptions about the nature and workings of things in the world.” Your mindset is the frame in which you experience and understand information. It is helpful to understand that we all have mindsets about many things, it’s not just a catchy career development workshop phrase. Leibowitz shares some of the research regarding mindset interventions that focus on more adaptive mindsets in areas like stress, learning, and health. Leibowitz highlights that there is truth to a more adaptive mindset, but also a form of bias. As she states here,

“The mindsets in these studies are all true—intelligence can increase with effort; stress can have beneficial effects for our health and performance; cleaning several hotel rooms a day exceeds exercise recommendations for an active lifestyle. However, they are also biased: a specific perspective of a more complex truth.”

She goes on to explain that, “mindsets help people make sense of ambiguity.” And a whole lot of winter is ambiguous. The book goes into how our expectations and beliefs influence our experience of winter. It makes sense that if we believe that winter is an awful, slushy, horrible time we might readily find evidence to support that idea. But if we have the belief that winter is full of wonder or opportunity, we may find different evidence available to us. Having a more adaptive mindset towards winter does not refute that there are some less ideal parts of winter and there are some very real limitations but it allows for noticing other types of experiences, too. I recommend exploring the book if you are interested in developing a different winter mindset because there is certainly a little more to it than just telling yourself that winter is full of wonder.

More than just a winter mindset

Beyond improving your relationship with winter, there are other benefits present in this work as well. Leibowitz explains:

“Adapting to winter is also practice to adjusting to whatever is in front of us. There are seasons of the year—and seasons of life—for putting ourselves out there, for pushing ourselves, for striving and learning and growing. And there are seasons for going inward, slowing down, for healing and taking stock. There will be months and years of great joy and bounty and months and years of hardship and sadness. Learning to accept, even embrace, wherever we are, whenever we are, is the practice of a lifetime.”

Turning over a new snowflake

So, winter and I will contiue to renegotiate our relationship. I already love coziness, scarves, hot beverages, and winter landscapes. I don’t need to love the school cancellations, dressing children in snow pants, or icy sidewalks to see winter as a time of opportunity. My eyes are open and more willing to consider that there is more to see, feel, and experience. And it might just be pretty wonderful.

“Winter, I realized, is similarly multidimensional and ambiguous: there are parts of winter that are unpleasant, and parts that are delightful.”

Kari Leibowitz, PhD

How to Winter: Harness Your Mindset to Thrive on Cold, Dark, or Difficult Days

A version of this piece ran last winter for paid subscribers. It’s been edited and updated, because winter just keeps showing up.

Related reading and doing:

* Can you talk about winter without recommending Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May. I don’t reread many books, but I think Wintering is calling me back this year. And here is a recent post from Katherine May on Twenty ways to enjoy winter.

* One of those opportunities of winter? Awe. Deborah Farmer Kris’s book, Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive , can be a great resource. And some more on awe here:

* Here is another opportunity for you to consider: Winter requires layers upon layers. I love layers (for myself, I despise having to put children in layers). Put on some music, light a candle, and unpack those layers. Reuniting with my sweaters and scarves is a joyful reunion each year.

Share your potential winter opportunities…

May you have find a little wonder and possibility this week,

Writing away in my warm wool socks,

Kathryn

P.S. Reading is obviously my favorite activity year-round, but winter is just a perfect time for reading. Looking ahead, we are going to have a great opportunity in January. That month we will be doing a little winter reading reset. More on that coming soon.

Stay cozy in the mess of parenthood this winter, subcribe here.

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As always—Just a little reminder: The content on A Wonderful Mess posted by Dr. Kathryn Barbash, PsyD is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reliance on any information provided is solely at your own risk. Always seek the advice of your licensed mental health professional or other qualified health provider.

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