When I feel respect, I feel valued, and I know I am loved.  Respect is about love. It is love in action. Women need respect as much as men.

In 2004 a book by Christian writer Dr. Emerson Eggerich was released.  It was Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. The book became very popular in fundamentalist and evangelical church circles. Eggerich and his wife Sarah became big on the Christian speaking circuit in America, and any copies of the book were sold.

The book is built upon the theory that the “primary emotional needs” for men and women are that men need respect and women need love.

Just like they need air to breathe, apparently. Get this right, and a healthy marriage is sure to ensue, the author promises. 

When this book first came out, it featured at the Christian bookshop we frequently attended, and we bought it.  It seemed true enough.

Several years later, another couple at the church we were attending thought so too.  So much so that they purchased a carton of these books and made them available to whoever wanted a copy.

Whether the would-be reader could afford it or not, they graciously accepted whatever was paid or let the would-be reader have it for free. 

At the time, I remember that it was a topic that my husband certainly identified with.  He knew respect was a major issue for him, and I thought, what woman doesn’t just want to be loved?  

Roll on 10 or 15 years, and I’ve learned more.

Here I am now, in another town, in a new decade and with quite a different way of looking at life. As a result, I no longer agree with the premise of the book. In fact, I think it can be damaging to relationships and might even lead to abuse.

Women need respect as much as men.

One thing I’ve learned is that women need respect as much as men.  Indeed, we all need respect, and we’re all deserving of respect.  And it probably goes without saying that we all need love. It’s not a case of one or the other.

It has become abundantly clear in our present society that disrespect for women is rampant.

It’s probably always been there, covered over by societal norms and not spoken about out loud.   And maybe it’s the same for men, although the way to get it is not by asserting it must be given.  Demanding respect is not likely to get you what you are asking. It could even cause the opposite; disrespect.

What is disrespect?

What is disrespect?

Words and phrases like belittled, not valued, dismissed, not considered, not worthy of time, attention, money spent, snubbed, cast aside, overlooked, and offended all relate to disrespect. 

None of them in themselves truly incorporate that feeling nor do full justice to that awareness of being considered inferior and not worthy of even taking a little effort.  

Respect is often in the small things; it’s in the repeated things.

The stepping back to allow someone to go through the door first. Or holding said door open for me.

The please and thank-yous that we take for granted.  It’s even in those things that aren’t even noticed or regarded, considered so trivial not to be worthy of attention. 

The picking your dirty dishes up and putting them in the sink. Not leaving your belongings scattered around the house. 

Those seemingly little things are often not considered worthy of an attempt at change. 

Furthermore, disrespect is often noted in people from whom we would expect so much more. Partners, loved ones, children, and extended family; we can all be guilty of it.

Those professionals we pay large sums of money to who leave us sitting in their waiting rooms until they are good and ready and to the ones we engage in simple transactions who can’t be bothered to give eye contact.

The people we sit next to on public transport or drive past in our cars.  All are worthy of respect, and all are capable of giving respect.

What does disrespect actually feel like?

So, what does disrespect actually feel like?

I have been asked that question recently.  Now I have to dig