WORST PLACE ON EARTH

from LOCAL 6 NEWS CLICK ORLANDO: "Florida man accused of trying to steal horses, riding them home."

What kind of man breaks into his neighbor's barn to rename his neighbor's horses? A cowboy kind of man. A cowboy kind of Florida man.

from LOCAL 10 NEWS: Florida woman drops pants, licks man, dances naked in Waffle House parking lot

Heather installed a stripper-pole in her living room. You can imagine what happens next. But you don't have to imagine, do you? That's what we're here for. The WPOE team discusses the origin story of Waffle House and Trump's ties to Cracker Barrel then embarks on a three-state tour of America's strip-clubs, landing, inevitably, in South Florida, where the Stripper Sushi Guild reigns supreme. Jess eulogizes the late King of Diamonds, a place where the forecast was always "rainy with a chance of meatballs;" Matt tells us about that one time at Tootsies, when he witnessed an eligible bachelor get neutered by a parade of high-altitude crotch-bombs; then Caleb serenades everyone with an acapella version of Major Lazer's "Pon De Floor." This is all bookended by Miami's premiere (strip) club mix-master, DJ Wasabi, the self-proclaimed Resident DJ of E11EVEN, where, apparently, Jess is applying for a job and Matt wants to have lunch. On a Tuesday. Bust out those imaginary strip-club compilation CD's because we're going on a field-trip, Florida!

from the HERALD TRIBUNE: "Florida man steals parrot from Venice pet store by putting bird in shorts pocket"

COVID-19 is a lonely planet, especially for people like Roger, who's been looking for love in all the wild places. Speaking of wild places, it's Spring Break in Florida, and all the masks are off! The WPOE Team tracks our collective Covid trauma from points north all the way down to the mojito-splattered streets of Ocean Drive. Caleb lays out in laymen's terms what to do if you grow a pheromone-horn while on your sojourn in South Florida; Jess wonders what's on the menu at a QAnon burlesque brunch; and Matt imagines what the KUERDAS Reggae Band's rehearsal room smells like. Hint: Everything's covered in Covid. And we are all Ivanka Trump's maid now. Hope you brought a dust-pan, America.

Zip-Tie Guy and his Mom tell their side of the story in this Special Sedition Edition of WPOE.

And the WPOE Team returns with a rendition of Jess's favorite 90's gay-raver tune, "I Do Both Jay and Jane." Caleb pitches his million-dollar idea: Tandem-Bike Capitol Riot Tours. And the Team lays out the pros and cons of Senator Joe McMansion's pandemic stimulus plan. Then, while discussing the astronomical cost of VIP Passes at this year's White Privilege-Palooza, Jess runs into Walmart Ted Nugent, Bernie Sanders gets a pedicure, and everyone else gets a free flesh-eating tadpole. It's no $15 an hour, but it's better than nothing. Time to light a bottle-rocket out of a frog's left eye and take those dirt-bikes out for a joy-ride! Also, why couldn't have Ivanka and Tadpole moved to Tampa? They would have fit right into Tom Brady's pool-house. Just saying.

from Orlando Sentinel: "Man stranded at Lake Eola fountain after stolen swan boat floats away"

from Travel + Leisure: "Man Arrested After Sneaking On To Abandoned Disney World Island For Quarantine"

Oh, the things people will do to make it to Disneyworld just one more time. After taking a long break in their own private pandemic staycation bunkers, Caleb, Jess, and Matt travel back in time to a place where Trump had Covid and Melania admitted to hating Christmas (and kids in cages). Then the team travels to California or Stockholm or wherever the Hadron Particle Collider is located to wax atomic about tiny black holes and the emergence of alternative facts in the inter-dimensional wormhole of a reality we currently reside in. Then they take a break to talk about A FLORIDA STORY and Old Bay action movies and eventually land in, of course, Disneyworld, the weird, glowing, fake emerald heart of Florida, where protein gas and ear wigs control everybody's every movement. Allegedly. There's even a cadre of heavy-metal playing Disney-bots involved. You can hear their soundtrack to the coming Disneypocalypse HERE. To wrap things up, Mo, Carl, and Tess talk about their podcast in that other dimension, Titles For Nothing, and Jess snaps back out of her time-warp to talk about all of those woodland sex parties she's being invited to. Let's not judge each other people; it's the Fall of Rome out here. Someone's fiddling on the rooftops, and that someone might just be Walt Disney's head. Happy Corona-Winter!

from NBC LOCAL NEWS: "Florida woman accused of zipping boyfriend in suitcase, leaving him to die"

Clara's not planning a vacation, but she still packed way too much for her trip. The WPOE team experiences technical difficulties while trying to pinpoint our place on the backwards Mayan calendar, then ponders the benefits of "extreme trauma packing" and the joys of "jaunting" one's troubles away.  Frozen Bros on NBC gets a plug, the team posts their reviews of IKEA's Dörkeltrier Bookcase and Hamilton on Disney+, QAnon is spellchecked, Scientologists are tested for COVID-19, and Caleb says a prayer for Tom Waits. Then, as if that wasn't a proper finish to an improper episode, Tom Cruise makes a cameo, and the team tries to avoid a lawsuit from one of Florida's shiniest country music rising-stars, ANDY PURSELL. Hopefully, if we abandon the Roman calendar, we can circumvent that second-wave. Because seriously, folks, forever is a lonely planet.

from LOCAL10.COM: "Woman found dead near cemetery in Brownsville"

from WFHN Florida Headline News: "Bunnell man kills neighbor’s dog after it mauls his cat”

There's a Rat Lady loose in the backyards of Bunnell, and she will do anything to protect her babies. It's the third fully-locked-down episode of WPOE, and the team muses from deep in their bunker-holes about drive-through rodeos in Broward, Shining-inspired adventure cruises, and a new acronym for MAGA. Matt tells a heartwarming story about his short-lived and bittersweet time as a lover of rats; Jess and Caleb reveal their own "Plandemic" theory, spelled out in the Navajo covid-code hidden in John Podesta's risotto recipe; and then everything devolves into a series of Jeb Bush booty-calls and cheeseburger boofs with Brett Kavanaugh. Things get back on track when Caleb falls through a Florida folk-hole into a tiki-bar and lands in the lap of Palm Beach County's only progressive folk-music duo, PINK SLIP. And while gazing deep into the quarantine-void, the WPOE team ponders the end of pleasure in post-coronavirus America. Thanks for nothing, Sleepy Joe.

Jess social distances with a mango, and Caleb tries to buy a sandwich in this special locked-down edition of WPOE. The team spends some quality time sniffing their microphones and reminiscing about head-sized margaritas and perfectly-cheesed nacho chips enjoyed in solidarity; then they attempt to accurately measure the emotional weight of the Coronavirus lockdown and search for an antidote to what Jess calls "the Capitalism hangover" we are apparently all experiencing. There is some sudden nostalgia for things not so long since past, Caleb longs for the lost scent of a store-bought album on cassette, and Jess tells us all about MICHAEL FABANO, the man who created the music for this episode while in quasi-quarantine (with some remote help from Matt, also in quasi-quarantine). Also, how much malarkey can you fit in one of Joe Biden's tube socks? Only time will tell. Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!

From ABC7 WWSB: "Manatee County man arrested for allegedly threatening neighbors with AR-15"

Michael from Manatee County is real mad that someone ripped up his new lawn, but it's not something his Ruger GP100 Double Action 357 Magnum can't fix. Or so he thought. After Michael tells it like it is, the WPOE Team breaks a few 1000-year-old-eggs trying to send their Corona-era quarantine messages into the lonely bunkers of the world. There is a surprise visit from the tiniest of team members, a Bloody Mary virtual toast, and a very serious discussion about the dangers of smoking your own engrams. Then there's a musical break with the quarantine-approved one-man-band, LONE WOLF, and the team rides into overtime on a second wave of Tea Party nationalism and speakeasy barbershops. Be safe out there, Quarantinistas. And remember, Southwest is a terrible airline.