You can’t argue someone into loving you, yet in effect that’s the conflict in which many no-sex or low-sex couples find themselves. Chronic anger around a couple’s sexuality poisons a relationship and stresses their emotional bond.

When the higher-desire partner badgers, guilt trips, nags, pouts, barters or begs for sex, they unwittingly turn sex into a commodity to be acquired, an argument to be won.

While such pressure tactics may work in the outside world, power struggles in the bedroom only end in frustration and conflict. It sounds obvious, but couples in long-term relationships continuously get trapped in this destructive pattern.

This clearly self-defeating dynamic doesn’t happen overnight: it develops over time as a toxic response to a seemingly unsolvable sexual standoff.

This standoff places loving partners at odds with each other, setting them up as combatants fighting for their position and perspective while under the pressure of conflict and disconnection. It’s a lose/lose strategy that leads either to separation or resignation that neither partner will enjoy their desired sex life.

The higher-desire partner feels like they have no choice but to push through the lower-desire partner’s resistance in order to convert them to the idea they should have sex.

The request for sex is often laced with anxiety; if there’s a history of refusal, resentment will lurk under the surface. This is not a winning strategy for intimacy of any kind.

Please understand: I don’t want to minimize the hurt and disappointment of the higher-desire partner. It’s not easy to be continuously rejected when we make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for sex and affection. At some point, the higher-desire partner may choose to stop initiating altogether, to avoid the pain of rejection.

Ongoing rejection creates all sorts of negative thoughts and beliefs:

* I’m unattractive.

* I’m a bad lover.

* I’ll never get what I want and need.

* I’m being punished.

* The future of my relationship is uncertain.

All these negative thoughts lead to an underlying stress that permeates the relationship and undermines trust and intimacy – the very things necessary for desire to be present. Both partners suffer greatly in this power struggle. Even when sex does happen, the undercurrent of resentment of both parties can make sex feel mechanical and emotionally guarded.

Is it surprising then that one or both partners lose interest in sex altogether? Being argued into having sex is like being pressured into giving someone your car keys or loaning them a treasured book. Sex is not a thing to borrow or a favor you perform for your partner to appease their anger and ease tension.

Sex is a mutual experience, a space you both agree to enter into together for intimacy and fulfillment. The only way to gain an enthusiastic “yes” to sex is to attract your partner into entering that intimate space with you. Unlike coercion, attraction takes thought, investigation, curiosity, and creativity.

I remember, years ago, the words of a higher desire client, who suddenly stood up from their chair and said:

“I married my partner with the understanding that sex would be an important part of our marriage,” he proclaimed. “I didn’t change my mind about that. She did. I have a right to be angry, and I’ve told her that!”

I agreed with his sentiments and his emotions. He had every right to feel like he’d lost something important to him. Yet it was also clear he wasn’t going to find what he was looking for via anger or guilt-tripping his wife.

When I asked what he liked most about sex with his wife, he softened. He started speaking about the closeness they once shared in intimate moments. He missed the touching and the connection. He spoke about the feeling of escaping the outside world together for a while.

“I miss her,” he finally said, like it was a sudden insight. “If I can’t share that kind of experience with her anymore then I’m just living with a roommate. It’s not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what she wants either.” His anger melted into sadness and disappointment.

“Have you told her lately what you love about having sex with her?” I asked him. “Have you ever told her that you miss sharing that with her? Have you told her you miss her? This is what she needs to hear,” I added. “Not that she’s wrong for losing interest in sex, or that she should have sex whether she wants to or not.”

If you wanted your partner to swim across a pond to join you on the other side, you wouldn’t throw a rock at them to pressure them into crossing; you’d more likely toss them a life jacket to make their trip across easier. In this scenario, intimacy or connection is the life jacket you toss to your partner.

Note also that attracting our partner into intimacy requires us to first become intimate ourselves - to become vulnerable and honest about the unexpressed feelings we harbor underneath the anger or coercion.

When we approach our partner with our offensive armor down, they’ll feel safe to lower their defenses. We can ask for a truce in the daily sexual power struggle so that honest words can be spoken without blame or judgment.

We’re all responsible for our circumstances; the roles of victim and perpetrator don’t have a place in my sessions. There are no purely innocent parties. Once this dynamic is understood and released, healing and a new dynamic can take its place.

Here are some initial steps to consider:

Talk about it. This is easier said than done, I know. If conversations about sex are charged with blame and defensiveness, then you’re going to have to wipe that slate clean and come into the conversation with your white flags up. Let your partner know you want to work on your sexuality as a team and end the pattern of conflict around sex.

Take responsibility. Own your part in creating the push-pull dynamic around sex. If you have challenges controlling your anger or criticism, find a coach who can teach you some tools to use when you’re triggered. It will change your life!

Speak from your experience. Offer your partner vulnerability and share your disappointment rather than your judgment.

Be curious. Investigate your partner’s relationship to sex and how they feel about your sex life together. If they feel safe from emotional punishment they may open up about their blocks as well as their needs and desires.

Ask questions. With sincere interest, help your partner share their deepest truth. There are many reasons behind sexual inhibition or reluctance (too many to list here).

Be patient. If you don’t get the hoped-for open-hearted response the first time, stay the course. Entrenched patterns take time to shift.

Trust takes time to build. Let them experience the change in you first so they can find their own change in response.

Seek help. Finally, and most importantly, know that you don’t have to go it alone! Your journey back to fulfilling, intimate, turned-on sex could benefit from the help of a professional. Think of it as the difference between a dangerous slog through the jungle and a fun, safe, guided safari adventure.

To paraphrase the Bard:

All the bedroom’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their fears and their strategies, and one person in their time plays many parts…

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