One of my absolute favorite memes goes a little something like this, “Never in the history of telling someone to calm down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down”. Think about it. Really picture a situation in which you are absolutely losing your shit and think about the feelings that arise when some unsuspecting bystander ignorantly interjects, “You need to calm down”.

It might feel patronizing, condescending, dismissive (but absolutely not helpful). The sentiment might be met with rage, swearing, tears, or something distinctly the opposite of calming down. And, trust that I would support you whole heartedly in your frustration. Why then am I about to suggest a solution that seems entirely counterproductive to this shared understanding about the uselessness of telling someone to calm down?

First I must take us on a slight detour into the land of “RSD” (I’m doing the Sponge Bob rainbow hands as I say this). Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is characterized by extreme emotional sensitivity brought on by real or perceived rejection or a sense of failure or falling short. A vast percentage of people with ADHD also experience RSD. Check out the article “The Most Impairing (and Overlooked) Part of ADHD: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria” by substack author Laura Hudson for deeper insight.

I absolutely struggle with RSD and emotional regulation in general especially when my brain is overstimulated. My response to perceived rejection, annoyance, or frustration can be devastatingly disproportionate to the actual stressor. In those moments, it’s like I’m having an out of body experience watching myself completely melt down into a fit of hysterics powerless to stop it. This has everything to do with my brain switching to fight or flight mode and my primal brain tossing logic and reason straight out the window. Try reasoning with a person being chased by a wild animal through the jungle, “Hey there! I notice that jaguar is attempting to eat you, have you tried calming down?”

Sounds ridiculous when you put it in that perspective, right? A brain in fight or flight can’t tell the difference between a hungry predator and someone declaring that your bundt cake does in fact suck. It’s a leftover protective mechanism that no longer serves us quite the same way in modern society. People with RSD often experience this phenomenon two fold and later feel deeply embarrassed or ashamed by their societally unaccepted responses to these external stimuli.

This is why telling someone else to calm down or having someone tell you to calm down in a moment of heightened emotions never works, but what if you tell yourself to calm down? What if, far in advance of the stressful situation, you put a plan in place to help your future self emotionally regulate? Enter the rock of calm-down-y-ness. Its powers are not infinite but they are certainly immense.

Disclaimer: Please understand that what I am about to describe is not a one size fits all solution that will work for everyone. Instead, I hope that you will see it as an example of one possible solution and use your big, beautiful brain to create a solution that is uniquely you.

Now, imagine if you will a group of grown women gathered around a large dining room table covered in a plastic table cloth - a pile of flat, smooth rocks and paint pens piled in the center. We were painting rocks with whimsical designs to be left in rock beds throughout town so that passers by might see these rocks and smile. As I pondered my final rock, a pile of finished creations lay around me: a mouse holding a heart shaped balloon, a colorful red mushroom, a cute cartoon figure holding a heart. What then to do with this final rock?

It was a good rock, the perfect size and weight to be held in your palm. I began painting pastel shapes - rounded triangles in soothing shades of lavender, teal, sunshine yellow, and green. All at once it came to me. I had, that very day, experienced a particularly disconcerting episode of RSD colliding with emotional dysregulation and was now in a state of profound calm. I chuckled to myself and began writing on top of the now warm, pastel colored rock, “You need to calm down.”

This sentiment wasn’t coming from someone else. It was coming from me. It was written from a place of reflection, love, and understanding. This wasn’t some stranger or loved one criticizing me, judging me, or being exasperated. This was kind and thoughtful me whispering a note of compassion to future me. I was compelled to try an experiment.

I took the rock home with me and laid it next to the lamp in our living room, a place that was very visible and where I spend most of my time while at home. I then instructed my husband to hand me this rock the next time I began to have an RSD/emotionally dysregulated meltdown. He didn’t need to say anything, just hand me the rock.

When the moment came, he did exactly as asked, picked up the rock from its spot by the lamp and placed it in my hand. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, but there is a moment when Stitch (an alien) is playing make-believe and rampaging through a town made of building blocks destroying everything in sight. Lilo places a Hawaiian lei (she is from Hawaii and this is where the film is set) around Stitch’s neck and informs him that he needs to calm down. He immediately goes slack and becomes completely relaxed as if the lei was magic.

While the effect was not exactly the same, holding that rock in my hand was equally profound. The weight, the shape, the colors, the loving message from past me brought me back into the present moment. I held it, I breathed deeply, I concentrated on the memory of creating this rock and just as suddenly as I had spiraled, I began to recenter.

No, it’s not magic. And no, it doesn’t magically heal everything inside me. However, the rock of calm-down-y-ness does shift my brain from fight or flight to logic and critical thinking. It is a tool to help bring me back to a more compassionate, loving, and understanding self. Are there times it doesn’t work as effectively? Sure. Are there times I completely forget about the rock and continue to melt down anyway? Of course. Because I’m human and humans never get anything right 100% of the time.

This is why my rock works for me but might not work for you. It has power because I gave it power. The best time to formulate a plan for the future is when you are in a state of calm. Find something tangible and tactile that can ground you when shit starts to hit the fan. It can be imbued with the literal words, “You need to calm down” or just be something that makes you feel that way in the moment. As long as you chose this object with love and it is imbued with a strong memory of peace and calm it can serve as your object-of-calm-down-y-ness.

Obviously, this is just one tool in what I hope will become a whole box of tools. It’s not the prescription for solving the problems of life, the universe, and everything but every little bit helps. And some days, a little bit is exactly what you need.

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