Welcome back to Night School Horror, where the screams echo louder than your student loan debt and the cafeteria only serves facehuggers à la carte. The summer may be over, but your nightmares have tenure—and tonight’s lesson is a one-way trip into deep space despair.

In this dripping, screeching, gloriously unholy episode, we dissect Alien: Romulus, the latest slice of sci-fi horror that reminds us why going back to space is a terrible idea. Join your unqualified faculty of freaks as we crawl through air vents of dread, debate whether this new batch of victims deserves sympathy or slapstick, and ask the truly important question: What if the Xenomorph had abandonment issues and a flair for the dramatic?

From test tubes to test screams, we’re grading everything from creature design to character decisions—and yes, we absolutely recommend Tobey Maguire voice the next alien...

Looking to support the Xenomorph’s charming little colonization crusade? Craving a touch of extraterrestrial intimacy (with just a dash of acid spit)? Enroll now and leave a 5-star review—because nothing says “thanks for the trauma” like a chestburster blowing out your ribcage mid-scream.