Strickland didnot speak for a long time, but his eyes shone strangely, as though he sawsomething that kindled his soul to ecstasy.

"SometimesI've thought of an island lost in a boundless sea, where I could live in somehidden valley, among strange trees, in silence. There I think I could find whatI want. "

He did notexpress himself quite like this. He used gestures instead of adjectives, and hehalted. I have put into my own words what I think he wanted to say.

"Lookingback on the last five years, do you think it was worth it?" I asked.

He looked atme, and I saw that he did not know what I meant. I explained.

"You gaveup a comfortable home and a life as happy as the average. You were fairlyprosperous. You seem to have had a rotten time in Paris. If you had your timeover again would you do what you did?"

"Rather."

"Do youknow that you haven't asked anything about your wife or children? Do you neverthink of them?"

"No."

"I wishyou weren't so damned monosyllabic. Have you never had a moment's regret forall the unhappiness you caused them?"

His lips brokeinto a smile, and he shook his head.

"I shouldhave thought sometimes you couldn't help thinking of the past. I don't mean thepast of seven or eight years ago, but further back still, when you first metyour wife, and loved her, and married her. Don't you remember the joy withwhich you first took her in your arms?"

"I don't thinkof the past. The only thing that matters is the everlasting present. "

I thought for amoment over this reply. It was obscure, perhaps, but I thought that I saw dimlyhis meaning.

"Are youhappy?" I asked.

"Yes."

I was silent. Ilooked at him reflectively. He held my stare, and presently a sardonic twinklelit up his eyes.

"I'mafraid you disapprove of me?"

"Nonsense," I answered promptly; "I don't disapprove of the boa-constrictor; onthe contrary, I'm interested in his mental processes. "

"It's apurely professional interest you take in me?"

"Purely."

"It's onlyright that you shouldn't disapprove of me. You have a despicable character."

"Perhapsthat's why you feel at home with me, " I retorted.

He smileddryly, but said nothing. I wish I knew how to describe his smile. I do not knowthat it was attractive, but it lit up his face, changing the expression, whichwas generally sombre, and gave it a look of not ill-natured malice. It was aslow smile, starting and sometimes ending in the eyes; it was very sensual,neither cruel nor kindly, but suggested rather the inhuman glee of the satyr.It was his smile that made me ask him:

"Haven'tyou been in love since you came to Paris?"

"I haven'tgot time for that sort of nonsense. Life isn't long enough for love and art."

"Yourappearance doesn't suggest the anchorite. "

"All thatbusiness fills me with disgust. "

"Humannature is a nuisance, isn't it?" I said.

"Why areyou sniggering at me?"

"Because Idon't believe you. "

"Thenyou're a damned fool. "

I paused, and Ilooked at him searchingly.

"What'sthe good of trying to humbug me?" I said.

"I don'tknow what you mean. "

I smiled.

"Let metell you. I imagine that for months the matter never comes into your head, andyou're able to persuade yourself that you've finished with it for good and all.You rejoice in your freedom, and you feel that at last you can call your soulyour own. You seem to walk with your head among the stars. And then, all of asudden you can't stand it any more, and you notice that all the time your feethave been walking in the mud. And you want to roll yourself in it. And you findsome woman, coarse and low and vulgar, some beastly creature in whom all thehorror of sex is blatant, and you fall upon her like a wild animal. You drinktill you're blind with rage. "

He stared at mewithout the slightest movement. I held his eyes with mine. I spoke very slowly.

"I'll tellyou what must seem strange, that when it's over you feel so extraordinarilypure. You feel like a disembodied spirit, immaterial; and you seem to be ableto touch beauty as though it were a palpable thing; and you feel an intimatecommunion with the breeze, and with the trees breaking into leaf, and with theiridescence of the river. You feel like God. Can you explain that to me?"

He kept hiseyes fixed on mine till I had finished, and then he turned away. There was onhis face a strange look, and I thought that so might a man look when he haddied under the torture. He was silent. I knew that our conversation was ended.

思特里克兰德很久很久没有作声。但是他的眼睛却闪着一种奇异的光辉，仿佛看到了某种点燃起他的灵魂、使他心醉神驰的东西。

“有些时候我就想到一个包围在无边无际的大海中的小岛，我可以住在岛上一个幽僻的山谷里，四周都是不知名的树木，我寂静安闲地生活在那里。我想在那样一个地方，我就能找到我需要的东西了。”

这不是他的原话。他用的是手势而不是形容的词藻，而且结结巴巴没有一句话说得完整。我现在是用自己的话把我认为他想要表达的重新说出来。

“回顾一下过去的五年，你认为你这样做值得吗？”我问他道。

他看着我，我知道他没有明白我的意思，就解释说：“你丢掉了舒适的家庭，放弃一般人过的那种幸福生活。你本来过得很不错。可是你现在在巴黎大概连饭都吃不饱。再叫你从头儿选择，你还愿意走这条路吗？”

“还是这样。”

“你知道，你根本没有打听过你的老婆和孩子。难道你从来没有想过他们吗？”

“没有。”

“我希望你别他妈的老说一个字。你给他们带来这么多不幸，难道你就一分钟也没有后悔过？”

他咧开嘴笑了，摇了摇头。

“我能想象得出，有时候你还是会不由自主地想起过去的。我不是说想起六七年以前的事，我是说更早以前，你和你妻子刚刚认识的时候，你爱她，同她结了婚。你难道就忘了第一次把她抱在怀里的时候你感到的喜悦？”

“我不想过去。对我说来，最重要的是永恒的现在。”

我想了想他这句答话的意思。也许他的语义很隐晦，但是我想我还是懂得他大概指的是什么了。

“你快活吗？”我问。

“当然了。”

我没有说什么。我沉思地凝视着他。他也目不转睛地望着我，没过一会儿他的眼睛又闪烁起讥笑的光芒。

“我想你对我有点儿意见吧？”

“你这话问得没意义，”我马上接口说，“我对蟒蛇的习性并不反对，相反地我对它的心理活动倒很感兴趣。”

“这么说来，你纯粹是从职业的角度对我发生兴趣啰？”

“纯粹是这样。”

“你不反对我是理所当然的，你的性格也实在讨厌。”

“也许这正是你同我在一起感到很自然的原故，”我反唇相讥说。

他只干笑了一下，没说什么。我真希望我能形容一下儿他笑的样子。我不敢说他的笑容多么好看，但是他一笑起来，脸就泛起光彩，使他平时总是阴沉着的面容改了样子，平添了某种刁钻刻薄的神情。他的笑容来得很慢，常常是从眼睛开始也就消失在眼梢上。另外，他的微笑给人以一种色欲感，既不是残忍的，也不是仁慈的，令人想到森林之神的那种兽性的喜悦。正是他的这种笑容使我提出一个问题。

“从你到巴黎以后闹过恋爱吗？”

“我没有时间干这种无聊的事。生命太短促了，没有时间既闹恋爱又搞艺术。”

“你可不象过隐士生活的样子。”

“这种事叫我作呕。”

“人性是个讨厌的累赘，对不对？”我说。

“你为什么对我傻笑？”

“因为我不相信你。”

“那你就是个大傻瓜。”

我没有马上答话；我用探索的目光盯着他。

“你骗我有什么用？”我说。

“我不知道你是什么意思。”

我笑了。

“叫我来说吧。我猜想你是这样一种情况。一连几个月你脑子里一直不想这件事，你甚至可以使自己相信，你同这件事已经彻底绝缘了。你为自己获得了自由而高兴，你觉得终于成为自己灵魂的主人了。你好象昂首于星斗中漫步。但是突然间，你忍受不住了。你发觉你的双脚从来就没有从污泥里拔出过。你现在想索性全身躺在烂泥塘里翻滚。于是你就去找一个女人，一个粗野、低贱、俗不可耐的女人，一个性感毕露令人嫌恶的畜类般的女人。你象一个野兽似地扑到她身上。你拼命往肚里灌酒，你憎恨自己，简直快要发疯了。”

他凝视着我，身子一动也不动。我也目不转睛地盯着他的眼睛。我说得很慢。

“我现在要告诉你一件看来一定是很奇怪的事：等到那件事过去以后，你会感到自己出奇地洁净。你有一种灵魂把肉体甩脱掉的感觉，一种脱离形体的感觉。你好象一伸手就能触摸到美，倒仿佛‘美’是一件抚摸得到的实体一样。你好象同飒飒的微风、同绽露嫩叶的树木、同波光变幻的流水息息相通。你觉得自己就是上帝。你能够给我解释这是怎么回事吗？”

他一直盯着我的眼睛，直到我把话讲完。这以后他才转过脸去。他的脸上有一种奇怪的神情，我觉得一个死于酷刑折磨下的人可能会有这种神情的。他沉默不语。我知道我们这次谈话已经结束了。

“叫我来说吧。我猜想你是这样一种情况。一连几个月你脑子里一直不想这件事，你甚至可以使自己相信，你同这件事已经彻底绝缘了。你为自己获得了自由而高兴，你觉得终于成为自己灵魂的主人了。你好象昂首于星斗中漫步。但是突然间，你忍受不住了。你发觉你的双脚从来就没有从污泥里拔出过。你现在想索性全身躺在烂泥塘里翻滚。于是你就去找一个女人，一个粗野、低贱、俗不可耐的女人，一个性感毕露令人嫌恶的畜类般的女人。你象一个野兽似地扑到她身上。你拼命往肚里灌酒，你憎恨自己，简直快要发疯了。”

他凝视着我，身子一动也不动。我也目不转睛地盯着他的眼睛。我说得很慢。

“我现在要告诉你一件看来一定是很奇怪的事：等到那件事过去以后，你会感到自己出奇地洁净。你有一种灵魂把肉体甩脱掉的感觉，一种脱离形体的感觉。你好象一伸手就能触摸到美，倒仿佛‘美’是一件抚摸得到的实体一样。你好象同飒飒的微风、同绽露嫩叶的树木、同波光变幻的流水息息相通。你觉得自己就是上帝。你能够给我解释这是怎么回事吗？”

他一直盯着我的眼睛，直到我把话讲完。这以后他才转过脸去。他的脸上有一种奇怪的神情，我觉得一个死于酷刑折磨下的人可能会有这种神情的。他沉默不语。我知道我们这次谈话已经结束了。