Welcome to the title story of Chris' brand new book. To read the complete unabridged version of this and other essays not heard on the podcast, purchase your very own print copy of "THE CAPTAIN (AND OTHER STORIES)" at chrisleavins.com.

New from Chris' book "The Captain (and other stories)". This essay was recorded live at The Comedy Central Stage in Los Angeles. To purchase the printed version of this and other stories not heard on the podcast, visit chrisleavins.com.

Buy Chris' brand new book THE CAPTAIN (AND OTHER STORIES). Featuring new essays never heard on the podcast. On sale now at www.chrisleavins.com.

Comedy Central will be hosting an all new Story Hour at their performance space in Hollywood next month. Details posted later at cutewithchris.com. Tonight's show was recorded live on stage in Victoria BC.

Recorded live in VICTORIA, today's show was the closing night presentation of Intrepid Theatre's UNO Festival. Visit chrisleavins.com for periodic updates and announcements.

This story was first published in Bark Magazine. Thanks to everyone who attended this reading in Toronto. Please subscribe to this feed for info about upcoming readings and events. More info periodically at chrisleavins.com.

Thanks to everyone who made Story Hour a top ten podcast on iTunes last week. Tonight's story was recorded live on stage in Toronto. Subscribe to this feed for upcoming episodes. More info at cutewithchris.com.