Once again, we find ourselves "going into the internet" with the incredible speeds of a 28.8k connection. Yet the overt difference here is that there is a wet-t-shirt contest and a mash-up of snowboarder, 'alt' and irreverent fashion trends. It's the clear road-map of not understanding computers, the internet or anyone who surrounded themselves with both of those things. Yipes!

Hackers were never cool. They were never edgy or trendy or care about anything but computers. We were computer nerds in 1995. We only cared about putting Duke Nukem 3D on as many computers as we could find. The characterization of this film is so far from reality and its disconnect from what was actually going on that it's just unfathomable. That's even before we determine how much we hate the characters themselves....

Then there is the complete lack of knowledge of computers themselves. It fits perfectly in with Johnny Mnemonic and The Lawnmower Man in its ineptitude and complete lack of asking someone ANYTHING about computers just one time. However, within the former there is a lot more action that isn't computer-related and the latter has a good sci-fi story buried underneath it's awful film-making and lack of editing. Hackers reigns surpreme in its stupidity.

In the end it's a pretty rough viewing experience and we can only recommend it to a niche market:

A group of trash vampires waste their immortality so that they can focus on their location-rotating fight club that has less rules than Tyler Durden's. The only thing that can stop them - horrible karate, bullet dodging DEA agents, and post-production effects that are just the presets in Adobe Premiere. Yuck!

Let's get out the disclaimer on this one - it's extremely budget and put together by people who have no experience in film, but hey! They got it done, right? They got their movie finished. So we'll give them that.

The rest of the film though, good night. This is one to steer VERY far away from, fam. It's not necessarily the acting or the "story" or the horrendously bad karate that is the problem. It's the over-editing and after-effects (trademark Adobe), mixed in with the wall-to-wall Nu-Metal. Within 5 minutes, I would argue that 80% of our fandom would abort this within 5 minutes due to it's awful design.

There is also a particular sex-scene that is less sexy than Tommy Wiseau's ass. It's vomit-inducing if you don't like watching ugly people do it. I'm sure they are nice people, but holy hell....

Now, there are some good things sprinkled here and there within. The karate is hilariously bad, the "plot" does move rapidly, and there's some pretty cringe-worthy acting. The plot is unfounded and easily puts these vampires in a bracket of cool below the cave-dwelling dirtballs in John Carpenter's Vampires.

We have to give this one a do not. 

The hottest awards for bad films in 2017 are here and the winners are all set. Listen to the 2017 SMABFA Podcast and check out all the nominees and winners below.

Fan Poll Result - Rings

Fan Poll Result - Transformers: The Last Knight

Fan Poll Result - Russell Crowe - The Mummy

Fan Poll Result - Abbie Cornish - Geostorm

Fan Poll Result - Geostorm

Fan Poll Result - Tom Cruise - The Mummy

Fan Poll Result - Sofia Boutella - The Mummy

It was Schwaz' first box office flop and put up the current standard of spending way too much money on film marketing. It ranks high upon the worst returns of all film history. Yet there is a good film here and could have been a hidden gem -- had it not been for Danny and coming into "our world."

You may be among the hordes who avoided Last Action Hero. You should reconsider. It has that stigma of being a horrible film, but if you're a fan of this podcast then you will understand why we put it upon such a high platform with Hell Comes to Frogtown, Joe Vs The Volcano and UHF. While Joe is a far superior production and Hell is a far more efficient production, Last falls into bad movie legend with incredible amounts of money thrown at it, while clearly only going to work with a very small amount of movie goers. It's your classic case of men in ties making horrible decisions.

The primary mistakes the film puts upon its audience is the snivelly Danny (Austin O'Brien). It's not that Austin does a bad job (it's not good either) as a child actor (we've seen FAR worse, looking at you Jake Lloyd), it's just that Danny sucks. This is the last character you want to see in an over-the-top action movie, the whiny child who isn't having fun with us. THEN there is the always awful choice of bringing your fantasy characters through a magic portal into our reality. Our reality sucks. We don't want to be here, and we especially don't want the movie we are escaping our reality from coming into it. Blech. 

Yet every single minute that takes place inside Jack Slater's (Arnold) movie fantasy world is a treat. It's non-stop homage/satire/creation of action films and the characters within them. The stunts are fantastic, the self-deprecating comedy is top-notch, and as always, Arnold delivers non-stop fun and charm. 

Last Action Hero is one our favorite movies and rides that beautiful line between crap and brilliance. Must watch film.

Dennis Rodman returns in the form of a bumble-bee to plant the foundation of the XXX squad, by making Dane Cook the CEO. Its truly in the list of worst action movies ever made and could be the gold standard for enjoyably dumb action movies...if it wasn't for Dane Cook.

Dane Cook blows. You know this, so we aren't going to devote time here to review his schtick - what will do instead is warn you that he is truly at his least formed here, with the most "punch me" act ever captured on celluloid. He's worse than Jar Jar. 

Now the good - it's WAY OVER THE TOP in the action department. Imagine Jackie Chan kung-fu and stunts but performed on screen by people who should be hot dog vendors. Then tack all that on top of Pumaman level of rear projection effects. It's outlandishly fun when you aren't staring down the barrel of an unloaded Dane Cook. He blocks your vision from the good.

Then there is the plot of the film - an oblivious double kidnapping pit the fathers of said kids into a series of scheduling conflicts and interference by Simon's (Rodman) team who have no clue what is even going on. Somehow there is a colonel, a laser that can't work, a villain who may be the reincarnation of Jerry Lewis and thinks the Microsoft Office Paper Clip is the bomb.

So imagine a XXX/Pumaman mashup with no talent, yes less talent than Pumaman. It's so close to brilliance, but sadly in the end the "comedy" troupe here drops it down by three stars to just a barely do.

Nothing says "screwball" comedy like professional basketball in the late 70's. So why not have a film about a terrible team that becomes great via the powers of astrology? Toss in Dr. Julius Erwing, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Meadowlark Lemon and repeat stinker stars like Branscombe Richmond and Julius Carry III and you've got some loonie business that is right up our alley.

On paper this film should be one to steer clear from. Even just watching the trailer is enough to give casual viewers of crummy films the heebie-jeebies. Yet somehow there is a serious level of charm to this film beyond the obvious live-action WB cartoon version that Jonathan Winters was shooting for. There's a seriously well blended volume of comedy of all types that award both fans of basketball and those that loathe all sports.

Everyone loves the Harlem Globetrotters and this film reinforces why that works.

The real stinker in The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh is the music. Imagine music worse (yet more catchy) than Cannon's The Apple. Yes, THAT bad of music. And it is arguably more full of bad music than The Apple as well. Woof.

We thoroughly enjoyed The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh and if you like films like Odds and Evens and Condorman, you're going to enjoy it too.

Stallone gives us further evidence he didn't write Rocky as this screenplay serves us up with some of the worst dialogue and biggest head-slapping action sequences we had in the 90s and THAT's really saying something. Also...there are 0 cliffhangers. 

Somehow critics have been quite pleased with Cliffhanger as evidenced by a 69% on RottenTomatoes and 60 Metacritic score. How that happened is one of the biggest surprises that this film offers up. Don't confuse yourself - this thing is enjoyable for sure but it is as dumb as anything. It's Roadhouse dumb. How any professional film critic could give this a positive review and put it alongside films that try to make statements and be true art and then look themselves in the mirror is confounding. So this falls right into our "Good Movie Debunked" category of film review.

The showcase is the dialog which comes to a head with the team of "expert" criminals. These guys are good enough at burglaring that they heist $100 million from the US Treasury Department. You'd likely get executed for this and at minimum sent to Gitmo and never heard from again. So they must be the best of the best right? Like Ocean's Eleven clever and Hans Grubber organized, right? Well that is clearly not the case. This team is just a bunch of 16 year old boys having a piss contest even if that means they fail in their mission. It's astounding how they even got into the car on the way to their big crime without killing each other. Astounding.

The acting is atrocious, the dialog is hall-of-fame bad, the action is over-the-top dumb, and the idiot plot is in full effect. This one is a true joy to watch for all the wrong reasons.

It's Sean Connery in a man-diaper with bullets. It's a genderless Utopia while showcasing knockers. It's a whirlwind of confusion and questionable film-making decisions. It's a serious mess covered in psychedelia while making some heavy, heavy, heavy social commentary. Get ready for your mind to be melted.

Imagine you've got Zardoz in mind and you sit down to write it. "Open on a gun-barfing god's floating head." Then try to go from there. Zardoz is just bizarre in how it decides to get to were it needs to. It may have been John Boorman's intention to distract the viewer with the weirdness so that when he reveals the plot and message to the viewer they weren't prepared for it. Along the way though, wow.... You might have your brain turn into rubber and question the use of your weiner/vaginer.

Connery's Zed is at no point a likable character as he is the deliverer of death and rape to the poor and weak for his entire career, but he is a sympathetic character. Connery is a blast throughout, if you're a fan of leaping around and chucking women across barns all while wearing his infamous bandolier equipped Euro mankini.

Zardoz is easily argued as the best post-apocalyptic movie ever made for what it says about society, culture, religion, truth against power, greed, science vs familiarity, and for possibly making one of the craziest predictions ever - Amazon Alexa. It's excellent and should be praised for what it does on a shoe-string budget, and what it says about ourselves and what we want to become.

"Let's take the barbarian guy out of his world of fantasy and put him in our world of taxes and endless advertising," said a man in a tie once or twice. Unfortunately, for said tie guy, no fan of film has ever said, "Yes I want that." Yet this travesty of the genre still attempted to woo audiences by sending the Beastmaster into Los Angeles so we can watch what happens when he wants to get pizza. Hooray!

While the premise of this film is one that typically infuriates fans (see Masters of the Universe and Jason Takes Manhattan), Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time pleases from end to end. It has some sort of charm that doesn't make sense. The jokes are total crap. The acting is painful. There's no boobs. Yet somehow it all adds up to shenanigans that simple entertain lovers o' the stupid.

The true highlight is Wings Hauser's Arklon, who is arguably the lowest IQ villain in cinema history. His plan is seriously to blow up his world. He has already conquered the world, yet he thinks blowing it up will give him more power. There isn't some mystical element that blowing the world up turns him into a god or anything. He just wants a neutron bomb to blow the whole damn thing up, including himself. Ok, let's put that aside. In order to accomplish his goal of suicide and world-ending destruction, he decides to enlist the unwilling support of LA Girl, Jackie (Kari Wuhrer) who knows nothing of nuclear weapons but knows a lot about 90's fashion. Standing right next to Arklon is the witch Lyranna (Sarah Douglas) who has a great rack, wants to bang him, rule the world at his side, has superpowers, knows where the bomb is, has the means to get there and continually helps him without getting a single utterance of "thank you". Arklon's moronic antics culminate when he falls into a lake of fire and shouts his victory at Dar - and then burns up to death. Yup, you sure won buddy.

Beastmaster 2 is a breed of a different cat (or painted black tiger) from the first one in all sense. It should suck, but is a true majestic triumph of crap. Do it.

He's a blue-collar Batman, that comes loaded with super-strength and a compassionate, pacifistic outlook. Slap on a bunch of not-bulletproof metal armor and give him a hammer/gun and Oracle (from Batman) and you've got Shaq looking pretty doofy.

So it stinks, sure. But we think this film is abused a little too much. It's currently at a 2.8 on IMDB and a 1.4 on Letterboxd. That puts it below Batman & Robin, and Catwoman. It's not even close to that bad. By your standard movie goer rating scale, this is just a 4. By our standards, it's a little higher than that. We make no claim that it's awesome but in no way is as awful as Catwoman. It's just a shitty movie.

However, it does have it's moments. The action is filled with dumbness. Steel's powers and weapons look terrible on screen. Shaq himself, in Steel Armor, looks like he belongs in Flash Gordon and he's just too damn big to be taken seriously. It appears the film-makers may have realized this and crammed this jobber with loads of camp. 

For some odd reason, someone thought it would be a great idea to draw a lot of attention to Shaq's dong. He continually gets shot by future weapons in the weiner, the camera hovers around it, and there's some pretty serious innuendo about size and his pelvic area. Yet it clearly should be targeted towards children - the movie, not Shaq's junk. Very strange decisions made.

It's a close call but we think Steel is a 2/3 do.